Happy Hollow Weiner
It's fricking flipping Halloween, the holiday celebrating the birth of candy. Last year, I went dressed as a Christmas present. Yeah... cute, genius, spectfuckingtacular I know. Until I got to the party.
Nobody could maneuver around the kid in a giant box, and I surely could not squeeze through thugs and hos without bumping their drinks. I decided to play beer pong so I wouldn't have to worry about moving around, and all went well until the opponents figured out they could shoot bank shots off of my box every fucking time. I sought out the bathroom as a haven from all the misery and hostility I was enduring. Too bad I didn't think to put a pee hole in the gift wrapping and getting out of the box took longer than I expected. Twenty minutes later I emerged only to find a group of girls with faces of disgust as they caught wind of the methane fumes that the guy before me released. Rumors spread and soon enough I was the asshole of the party. "MOVE IT OR LOSE IT!" and "I AM GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS, BOXBOY."
This year, I'm ditching the box and the painful memories to dress up as the greatest invention in my lifetime. No, not the light bulb or quantum physics. The AOL Instant Messenger Buddy List. I am leaving it blank and carrying a marker with me so I can score some new screen names. YEAAAAAAH HAHAHAA.
And I printed out some smileys to convey my emotions because I have lost all sense of the real world and only think in binary and blurt out "lol" instead of my addicting, classic laugh that eight-year-old Timmy will soon miss. Okay here are pictures, I am leaving. ENJOY.
Thank you SlimErc.
OH, hey shitforbrains... click here and support me. Thanks!
Posted by Smit at 08:10 PM
I am in the process of changing the layout of the site around, mainly trimming it down so only the sites that I honestly check out everyday are under my Favorites, and every other site will be under the link section. I'll add everyone and anyone who wants me to on the link page, but I really gotta love your site to get placed on the Favorites. I also eliminated the banner ads for the posters, offensive tee shirts, and porn simply because I get paid on comission and made a total sale of 1 poster which equals a mere 48 cents in my pocket. I am going to place a section up for sponsored advertisments where people actually pay me to put them up instead of me getting commission on selling their products. Interested? I think you should be even if you don't have anything to sell. Just pay me money and I'll put whatever you want up.
Sorry if I deleted your link, leave me a comment and I'll put it up. Maybe. HAHAHAHA.
Posted by Smit at 07:17 PM
I found Nemo
Posted by Smit at 11:48 AM
Only the beginning
Here is my first magazine cover. Pretty impressive I'd say. HAHAHA I MEAN IT'S MY FIRST MAGAZINE COVER THAT I HAD TO MAKE FOR A PROJECT IN PHOTOSHOP, NOT THAT I AM ACTUALLY ON THE COVER.
Those were my first two rough drafts. Leave a comment on which one you like the best. Or leave a comment on which one you like worst. Just fucking leave a comment.
Posted by Smit at 10:25 PM
HANNAH IS A PALINDROME!
Mullets, trucker hats, converse chucks, thrift store shirts, and childhood cancer can all be classified in one group characteristic of things that are really not cool if you have any of them for real, but are cool to partake in only if you are kidding and want everyone to notice and whisper to their friends about how super original and hip and trendsetting you are. Ladies and small gentle boys, I am officially adding the mustache to that group. Yeah, yeah,yeah it's been in that group for quite some time now but hasn't quite hit the "pop-punk rock" level of awesomeness. Until now.
I had planned on growing a full grown beard just because I wanted to see if I could do it, but after two weeks of walking around with scraggly pubes pasted to my face and negative feedback from smarah I decided to whack it off. What? So I shaved today and left the stache. The soup strainer. The flavor saver. The muzzy. The mustache. I already said that.
Lots of famous people have mustaches. Burt Reynolds. Graucho Marx. Adolf Hitler. Carlos Santana. Salvador Dali. Genie in Aladdin. Hulk Hogan. David Crosby. Michael Johnson. Dennis Eckersly. John Holmes. Ned Flanders. Cheech Marin. Eddie Murphy. Sonny Bono. Albert Einstein. Wade Boggs. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Yosimite Sam. Ravishing Rick Rude. Don Mattingly. Howard Carter. Mahatma Ghandi. Don King. General Custer. George Foreman. Charlie Chaplin. King George IV. Martin Luther King, Jr. And my dad. Yes, the only hairs on my dad's skull is his mustache (and eyebrows and eyelashes), and he's been rocking it since as long as I can remember. (Except that one time when he did shave it, and he looked like a turtle and wore a green sweatshirt and popped out from under my bed and roared like a tiger and scared me.) Here is a picture of my dad's stache.
I lost track and once I lose track, things start going downhill. I rarely find the motivation to write something anymore and when I do, I like to put forth my best efforts to try and put together that I'm satisfied will satisfy all you readers out there but some things just never change. That's just the way it is. Aww yeah.
I was checking my bank statement online last night and I found a 34.95 charge for electracash.com, and then I checked out the site and it appears to be a merchant check site where other sites use it to process transactions, and then I flipped back to my account and checked out September only to find another 34.95 withdrawal. Dumbfounded with my pants around my ankles, I called the electracash.com to find the information about what was going on. Turns out a man named Mike Kim has been subscribing to an adult website under my account. In response to "Do you want me to cancel the subscription?", I decided to say hell with it and fulfill my good samaritan duties and let some fraud continue getting his rocks off at my expense. So that's that.
Well actually, I was teed off and had an away message telling everyone to stab every Mike Kim they come across until one of my loyal fans J.J. mentioned to me that it was a fake name simply because of the fact that it is a palindrome. Aka the name is spelled the same backwards and forewards. So basically he's saying every single girl named Hannah is fake, every single race car driver is fake, and that God doesn't exist because Eve is fake. Not to mention that his own name JJ is a palindrome. Dennis, Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina, Arden, Noel, and Ellen sinned. What I'm getting at is that JJ has stolen my bank account to access premium porn, bar none.
Time to study.
Posted by Smit at 09:18 PM
Curse of the Turtlenecks
CUB FAN STEVE BARTMAN
Fan who deflected ball at Cubs game defended by dad, friends
By MEGAN REICHGOTT, Associated Press Writer
October 15, 2003
CHICAGO (AP) -- The 26-year-old man whose deflection of a foul fly played a key role in the Chicago Cubs' Game 6 collapse is a huge fan of the team and a youth baseball coach.
"He's one of the biggest Cubs fans I know,'' said a 34-year-old neighbor who has known the man since he was a child. "Whenever he can, he goes to games.''
The Associated Press, like most local media, held off on reporting the fan's name.
With the Cubs five outs from advancing to the World Series for the first time since 1945, the fan tried to grab the foul ball, preventing outfielder Moises Alou from catching it. That helped the Florida Marlins rally for an 8-3 victory to tie the NL championships series Tuesday night.
"They say if you are a Cubs fan, you won't catch it,'' a 63-year-old neighbor of the man said Wednesday. "I don't think that's a natural reaction. It's a natural reaction to catch the ball.''
The man's father also defended him, and said his son was not available to talk.
"I taught him well,'' his father told reporters outside their suburban Chicago home. "I taught him to catch foul balls when he comes near them.''
The man was escorted by security guards out of Wrigley Field in the bottom of the eighth inning after he was threatened and pelted with debris by other fans.
"Hopefully, he won't have to regret it for the rest of his life,'' Alou said.
The man works at a consulting firm in the suburbs, and a spokeswoman there said he did not go to work Wednesday.
His friends said baseball is the man's favorite sport and the Cubs are his favorite team. The fan wore a Cubs hat and a sweat shirt with the name of the youth league team he played for and now coaches.
The man created a national buzz on radio talk shows, and TV programs repeatedly showed his attempt to catch the ball.
"I can't fault him,'' said the 63-year-old neighbor. "My belief is that plays are made on the field, not in the stands.''
Pat Looney, a Chicago firefighter who was seated next to the man, said the fan had a right to try to catch the ball.
"He wasn't leaning over. He was behind the rail, he didn't know Alou was coming,'' Looney said.
Even Alou, who was initially furious about what happened, seemed to soften later.
"At the time, I was real upset,'' Alou said Tuesday. "But at same time, I kind of feel bad for the guy now, because every fan in every ballpark, their first reaction is they want a souvenir. Nobody's going to think about the outcome of the game.''
Associated Press writer Melanie Coffee contributed to this report.
Posted by Smit at 01:44 PM
First title EVER!
I just installed movabletype on my site, well more like Gorilla from GorillaMask.net hooked it up, and now I can update without having to do an ounce of HTML or notepad... well maybe a quarter ounce or dime bag, but it's going to save me lots of time nonetheless. Which means all those times I didn't want to update because the process was so unneccessarily complex and time consuming and I had to be legally sober, or at least the .08 limit now that I am a legal adult, are no longer a problem. Which means that I will have to find another excuse to not update this shit and believe me, when there's a will there's a way.
I just finished working at the school paper putting the articles online, and I busted my ass finishing my part to come home and prepare to study or at least pretend to study for my effin nutrition exam in the morning... well obviously studying is not a legitimate excuse to stop the smitman from pleasing the massholes. But I am going to make this quick as I can type, which happens to be at least 60 words a minute from freshman year in high school in keyboarding class with the blue screen alpha versions of WordPerfect with Ms. Delp. Every other class period we would have timed typing excersices for speed and accuracy, and when she blows her whistle (yes, a whistle in the computer lab) everybody's hands fall to their sides. Well, I being the computer typewizard that I was and currently am and always will be, I decided one time just to go back and make a couple of lowercase characters to capital letters, and replacing a few commas with periods just to improve my perfection, but of course she notices in the reflection of the hallway window that I was slyly typing away on the keys so she runs over and hits me in the back of the neck with a ruler, takes over the computer and prints out my results to take to the front of the class and make an example of how much of a cheater I am, and gave credit to all the sub-30 words per minute students for completeing their assignments without taking shortcuts and should be rewarded for honesty and accountability while she ran to the Home Ec. room to cut out a scarlet F to pin to my bosom to show that I failed because I cheated, and I cheated because I'm a failure. Longest nonrunon sentence ever, and I don't care... I'm not going back to make corrections for I have learned that lesson seven years ago.
Back to whatever I was talking about, I'm shooting for a 4.0 this semester partly because I'm taking pretty easy and interesting courses and partly because I fucking need to in order to be hired at a clerical job at a big corporation upon graduation in order to pay back my fifty grand in loans and debt. I have my nutrition test tomorrow, but I really can't focus because I know that the questions are undeniably easy and it's hard to memorize vocab when all you need to pick out is one key word in the definition to pick out from the other ridiculous choices. So stop making me type and let me crack open my book and print out my powerpoint slides in grayscale to review, well just view, the material because I always wait until the last minutes to begin studying and for that, I kick myself in the ass.
Still gunning for that 4.0... still typing....
I gotta give a shoutout to Mike for hosting an incredible bikini oil wrestling extravaganza this past Saturday for his 21st birthday. Even though quotes from Old School are the only words that leave the mouths after alcohol enters college students across the nation, (so I hear) this bikini wrasslin was definitely reminscicent of the KY Jelly match in the movie... a room packed with 50 guys standing around a kiddy pool full of hand soap underneath the spotlight while two women demonstrate their ability to knock their opponents into submission in the least time periods. Well at least climb on each other until they've had enough earlobes being ripped and nails broken and globs of burning hand soap in their eyes. I don't know if we'll ever be able to share the pictures and videos with the world wide audience due to protecting the deceny and integrity of the twelve or so women that participated. But hey, I say let us release them and get paid sacks of moolah and you get commission and you get a permanent reminder of your perfect bodies before gaining that inevitable fourteen pounds in the wintertime. Whatever floats your boat, or tickles your pickles... MMMM piccccckkklesss..
Oh! That just reminds me.. tonight I was working the graveyard shift in the newspaper office with just me and the other webguy Kevin, when I went to take a tinkle after drinking several bottles of tap water. Successfully complete, I flush, lick my eyebrows, check myself out in the full length mirror, open the door to exit, and turn out the light. Only to find a big, cleaning lady giving me a smart remark of how she just cleaned it, and now she has to scrub the toilet once again. I'm sorry, where did I go wrong here? Isn't the toilet meant to be on the receiving end of human excretements day upon day? It's always "dirty." Not to mention the fact that I oh so proudly unleash my stream onto the tranquil pond below, not having stage fright to worry about with nobody else around and listening to my urethra strength.. so I did not even hit the sides of the john, the sides where this bitch is supposed to scrub. Anyways, I said fuck off and gave her a quarter and headed back to my desk. Speaking of wonderful urine stories, I now have a gallon sized apple juice jug under my desk to relieve myself and no longer have to worry about being too conspicious with multiple twelve ounce golden water bottles stashed away in my room. My GOD, get me out of this topic!!!!1
So my roommate, Jam83b, created a nifty little animation of Roy being attacked by a tiger which has gotten quite a bit of attention, and if you know anything about the Internet... links spread like wildfire and while it's great to get the attention and publicity, it sucks if you only have 3 gigabytes of bandwidth for the ENTIRE MONTH, a limit that he has paid to upgrade many times today to revive his site only to be shut down a few hours later. Somebody tell him to get off of his shit host, and switch to a good server... like mine, Mindlash. YOU MY BOY MINDLASH, YOU MY BOY. EARMUFFS. GLORIOUS! Fuck off. So I've decided to put a link to the picture on my site to help his little bastardchild gain even some more traffic. MOOOOAHAHAHA. Enjoy snucka.
Okay I need to fucking go, so leave me comments and tell me how you like my new format thingamajig... I love it more than oxycontin, and that's quite a statement. Stay tuned as I weed out some of the links on this site, and update sometime. PROMISE.
CLICK HERE, WHORE!
And two more links just added...
USE CONDOMS you fugly fuck!
Posted by Smit at 11:40 PM