November 26, 2002
Hey JACKASSSSSS. I'm about to go home to Richmond for Thanksgiving. YAY. But I had to post a few things before I left.


I traced my hand on the computer and made this turkey to show how thankful I am for you guys. YAY.

Okay, I only have a few pictures from our party on Saturday. It was a good time. Here is DanWho being the crazy sonuva bitch that he is. Apparently he wandered off to the local gas station and bought random shit including this electrical tape and pacifier. Yeah, that's right. 1145 J parties are off the hook. BITCH.



Last night, Steve and James did not want to let Piyum leave the apartment. So how was this accomplished? Simply blockading the only reasonable exit from the apartment AND stealing his car keys AND using the very real threat of violence with a hammer. Yeah, that's right. WHAT WHAT.



Okay, I'm out. I'll be back in full force sometime. HAHAHA. By the way, check out Phil Smiley's Sweet Page. One of the best sites that I have EVER come across. Word.

But once again, Check out the following sites... (they may be vulgar or obscene or be disturbing, but I don't care. HAHAHAHHA)


Okay, I'm done. If you are sick of the online quizzes that are popping up on everybody's profile and you enjoy vulgarity, check out my online test What Online Quiz ARE You?



November 21, 2002
Salve. Wow, what a week. I took two exams and I did a presentation on transsexuals for Psychology. And I dressed up as a woman. After doing lots of indepth research on transsexuals, I conclude that transsexuals are fucked up. Transsexuals are humans who believe that they are trapped in the wrong body. Transvestites are simply sexual fetishes that flaming homosexuals partake in. Either way, just accept your sex and get on with your life. Who fricking cares if you are a woman trapped in a man's body? I sure don't.


Here is a joke for you courtesy of Robert from Kentucky:
The king decides to go hunting one day, and so he and his assistant go out to his courtyard. They go out early in the morning, and they don't have any luck all day so they are walking around, not having any luck. Then, all of a sudden, the king and his assistant sees a man run up on top of a hill into view, about a hundred yards from them. Then, the man yells "I AM NOT A BUFFALO. DO NOT SHOOT ME. I AM NOT A BUFFALO." Right after that, the king raises his gun and fires and kills him with one shot. The assistant is shocked. "Why on earth did you do that?", asked the assistant, "he said he wasn't a buffalo!" "OOOooooh" said the king, "I thought he said... I AM a buffalo." HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHA.

Hmm... have any of you heard the new song by Sum41? It's called "Still Waiting." Well if you haven't heard it, don't listen to it. Boycott these fuckers. Why?
1). Just another lame attempt to capitalize on loss. Here is a clip of their lyrics:

What have we done
We're in a war that can't be won
This can't be real
I don't know what to feel
So am I still waiting
For this world to stop hating
Can't find a good reason
Can't find hope to believe in


Awwww, what a nice, original political message. NOT! These poor saps are trying to make money off a piece of shit record that deals with the terrorist attacks to AMERICA. Which leads to my next reason why to boycott Sum41...

2.)They are CANADIANS! I might be somewhat willing to let this horrible song slide by me, but the fact that CANADIANS are selling records crying about the hate and pain that America is suffering, just baffles me. NOBODY CARES ABOUT CANADA! Canada is not getting blown up. Even if Canada did get blown up, I don't think it would even make the front page of U.S. newspapers. Seriously, the U.S. is not your friend. I am not your friend. So Sum41, go back to Canada and drown yourselves.


CANADA + SUCKS = CANUCKS


However, if you want to hear a good song, click here. It's called I.M. Me by Britney Cleary. (I stole that from jiglet.net Check it out. NOW.)

Hmmmmmmmm... On CannedJam.com, James has a little debate about ketchup or mustard on hot dogs. He believes that mustard is supposed to go on hot dogs, and not ketchup. I say ketchup is the way to go. So peoples, if you had the choice between mustard and ketchup to put on your weiner, what would you choose? Vote below.

Well, I am going to go. Don't worry, I will update more frequently now that I have nothing to do until after Thanksgiving Break. BOOYA. But once again, Check out the following sites... (they may be vulgar or obscene or be disturbing, but I don't care. HAHAHAHHA)


Okay, I'm done. If you are sick of the online quizzes that are popping up on everybody's profile and you enjoy vulgarity, check out my online test What Online Quiz ARE You?



November 18, 2002
HIIIIII. Okay this is going to be short because I am sleepy. HHAHAHAHA.

Last night, Steve, James, Piyum and I went out to dinner for Boy's Night Out. We all wore sweaters, too. We looked really cute. Okay here's the story: Everyone ordered a Coke except me. I ordered a root beer. The root beer comes in a bottle. The waitress comes back with our drinks. She gives James the root beer. We don't say anything and just kindly switch the drinks when she leaves. She comes back for refills. She takes James' empty Coke glass and my half filled glass of root beer. She comes back with a half root beer half Coke for James, and for me, just a Coke. In James' cup. So we just switch them once again. I have two empty root beer bottles on my side of the table. James has his empty glass. She comes back and does the same thing. We were going to say something, but we were just baffled at how this could have happened. Wouldn't you remember the jackass who didn't order a Coke? The guy who doesn't look like the others? The cute one? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Apparently, not. So, we took a secret video of her giving James and I the wrong drinks. You can look at that by clicking here.


OH HEYYYY LADIES!! HAHAHAHAHAHA. homos.
(click pic to see much larger version)

Last night, we played football in the rain. It was a good time. Until Mr. Jackass R.A. comes out and wears cleats and tries to be fricking Mr. NFL and ruins everyones fun. Everyone else is wearing running shoes and can't stand up worth a damn. Mr. NFL star comes out in his cleats and runs full speed and scores every fricking time because he can actually stand up. I hate jackasses like him. Ohhh, yeah, did I forget to mention that he broke my toe. YEAH, he stepped on my foot with his fricking sweet cleats. YEAH. Click here for pictures of my broken toe.

Okay, I'm done. If you are sick of the online quizzes that are popping up on everybody's profile and you enjoy vulgarity, check out my online test What Online Quiz ARE You?


November 13, 2002
Hello! Welcome! to Hell. I know it's been frickin a week since I updated, so quit yer bitchin and eat some pie. I've been busy reading and studying and visiting my advisor to help me with my scheduling but really I'm screwed. HAHAHA! She said, "I've never seen the combination of classes you are taking..." I sat there and blushed and got teary-eyed and crapped my pants. So I don't know what to do. I am going to just graduate college without a major. Shit, I don't need a focus of study. I can just see it now. Check it.



I want to thank The Breeze, JMU's newspaper for featuring smithappens.com in this article. It's funny how The Breeze claims to have 97% readership of the 15,000+ newspapers... but I saw no increase in visitors... Actually saw a DECREASE. So I believe it's fair to say there is a 97% readership and a -10% absorbance. Also, my Mating Calls page was featured on CollegeHumor.com so I got about 12,000 visits to the Mating Calls in three days. Check out the guestbook on that page and see how many people hated it and thought I should be dead. HAHAHAHAHA.

Hmm... Today I saw a van with a personalized liscence plate. You know, the ones that say "1QT4U2NV" and "PHATR1DE"and "MYC1VICEVENW1THR1MSSUCKSASS." Yeah, you know. Anyways, this van had the plate "VEH1CLE". Okay uhhh.. ummm... Somebody please stop me. This is the most ridiculous display of fucking retardedness. OF ALL TIME. Yes, we know that your piece of crap van is considered a "vehicle." Nobody needs reassurance except you, you big candy ass. Seriously guys, are you with me here? Keep in mind that you have to PAY extra for personalized plates. Who in their right mind would even manufacture this plate and sell it to the jackass in the minivan? HOLD ME BACK.

On Saturday morning, Smitty, Steve, Jeremy and Parsons went to IHOP to enjoy a nice breakfast. We sat in the smoking section because it was the first available table. It certainly is a HOPpin' place. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Stay on track, JACKASS. We are enjoying our meals when all of a sudden, I see something that pissed me off. There, in the corner, was little miss 25 year old whore mother of two and her scumbag of a husband lighting up cigarettes. IN FRONT OF THE BABIES. Yadda yadda, that doesn't seem so bad does it? HANG ON. The youngest baby is sitting in her little carseat thingamajig and she's sitting DOWNWIND from the fucking whoremom smoking. I did not appreciate this shit, so I went over the mother and father, and smacked their skulls together*. I picked the baby up out of the seat and busted her face on the table next to me*. I took the bloody baby and started eating it*. After I was done eating it, I then proceeded to jump*. ON THE BABY*. Until all I could feel was mush*. I then told the parents that I was doing the baby a favor. The moral of the story: Smoking will kill your baby.

*Note- These events never happened. But they very well should have. I'm often compared to Eminem, we say crazy shit but don't expect people to take these words to heart. Word. Don't smoke in front of your defenseless kids.


Sup. (Note- Eminem = annoying.)

It's been raining lately. A LOT. And all my shoes and jeans and socks and everything is all wet. So I have been wearing my huge Timberland steel toed boots to walk around campus. They must weigh twenty pounds each. But they keep me warm and I look incredibly badass. And they should build up my deflating leg muscles. Hopefully, I will get some cankles!


HOORAY FOR CANKLES!


Speaking of cankles and deflating leg muscles, I am going to the gym everyday from now on. I've been the last three days. I am sick of deflating. And apparently I look like I weigh 155 pounds because everyone is guessing that as my weight on my badass profile quiz. The answer is 180. I actually weigh about 170 now. Frown face. It's because I have deflated since high school. None of that! And yes Allison, that track picture really is me. JACKASS.

Music- Hi. Check out Jack's Broken Heart by clicking here. I got the CD last year and haven't listened to it in awhile and now I am obsessed with it again. So stop listening to sucky music and listen to real music. You can click here if you want to load all their songs in your mp3 player playlist. (You have to be registered at MP3.COM but that takes 20 seconds. BOOYA.

Okay, I know I am slacking and I am forever a jackass for not switching hosts yet. And check out the comments for my last update... It appears somebody is telling me what I should do with the site? How bout everyone go email him mean letters and computer viruses and tell him to SUCK IT. I'm out. CYA. BYE.



November 6, 2002
Oh.. hi. Sup. I just want to give a shoutout to my dog DOOP. DOOP KICKS ASS. He let me put my pictures up on his site so I can save some of my bandwidth. Yes, I am still a jackass and I have not yet gotten around to frickin getting the new host. Which I need to do soon because I can't do shit now. Shieeet. CHECK OUT DOOP'S SITE ----> [ REDROCKETSAUCE.COM ] Not only does Doop rock, he is also a LOSER! Jajajajajaja.

Oh HI DOOP. What a LOSER!

Hmmm.. what's new? There are no leads on the phantom puker. I appreciate the peoples who have contacted me and gave me some tips, but they were worthless. Quite possibly the worst tips of all time. I would've rather had gotten NO tips. I mean, shit.

My dad now has a website for his AMS products. These are really great products... especially AMS 300 or the PrimeOne. Go ahead and check them out and buy them. I'm serious. Great for college students. And parents. And teachers. Trust me I'm not putting this up to get any money. I think I owe it to him because he gave me life. And my life gave you my website. So you owe it to me. EAT IT.
[ CLICK HERE FOR AMS PRODUCTS ]

Hey Jackass, I updated my [ ABOUT ME ] page. Also, ALL JMU PEOPLES, BOOKMARK THIS SITE. BE READY FOR THE SECRET PROJECT TO BE RELEASED TO THE JMU PUBLIC AFTER THANKSGIVING BREAK. IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIVES. FOREVER.

Shit, gotta run. Check these.

Just gotta say Hi to PHIL SMILEY. HI PHIL SMILEY. (He is the one in the middle.)

Cannedjam.com.
This is my roommate James' site. I forgot to link him and I am too lazy to edit everything.


STALLONEZONE.COM
For all of your Sly Stallone needs.

Murphy's Kids
a kickass ska band from Richmond. I know most of the members. They played for my dorm picnic last year. Check them out because they rock my face off.




November 3, 2002
Okay, this is gunna be short. Sorry, been busy. Last night we had a cookout. I was at the cookout until like midnight then went over to Stiner's and Amanda's and Stupid Slut's. I got home about 4:30. I walk down the hall towards my room and I notice that it is all wet. I look closer and see that it's all red. I really have no idea what the hell this is. I get on the ground and look closer. I touch it and smell it. What in the hell is this? Who would've spilled juice over by my door? So I just let it be and wake up this morning. I ask Steve what the hell the big red stain is. He tells me that it is, in fact, VOMIT. Apparently some chick was waiting to vomit in the bathroom but couldn't wait long enough so she unleashed all of her vomit all over the floor. Then she leaves without telling anybody? NOW HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT? She must've drank jungle juice or whatever at some party then she crashes the cookout and vomits and stains my fucking carpet. Nobody knows who this girl is. That's why you need to help us. Hopefully this poster will help. Feel free to print it out and post it all over campus. Time for a group meeting. Ciao.





Okay, sorry for being crappy. I will update soon. MMMKAY SEEYA BYE.