• My earliest memory of narrowly escaping nonlife was when I was really young. OBVIOUSLY. I was about 3 or 4 years young and I swallowed a penny. It got lodged in my windpipe, and my parents (thankfully) were worried about me. My dad almost cut a hole in my throat so I could breathe, but thankfully he didn't because if I was going to live, I didn't really want a stoma. LOL. Not to mention bloody carpets and walls. They rushed me to the hospital and somehow they knocked it into my stomach. Turns out that the penny was lodged vertical, so there was some air getting to my lungs of iron. Had it been laying flat, I would have turned into a Smurf. A rancid, decaying, green Smurf two weeks later.
• In elementary school, I was enjoying a day at the pool playing Categories, Sharks and Minnows, and braiding bracelets with my aquaintances. About ten of us decided to race the entire the length of the pool. I thought "Oh boy, a race!" On the count of three, we all took off. Three strokes into the competition, a kid much older than I was started dunking my head under the water. I was scrambling for air, and he wasn't budging. I started kicking and screaming underwater but he would not release his grip of death. I thought it was the end of me. My entire life of seven years flashed before my eyes. I was just about to accept my fate and succumb to the dihydrogen monoxide inhalation, when the lifeguard jumped in and pulled the punk off of me. He got yelled at and was ordered to sit out for fifteen minutes. I suppose a time-out is an appropriate punishment for attempted first degree murder.
• My junior year Spring Break, I was riding in a car with my pals Tony and Dustin when a huge eighteen wheeler mack truck started merging over into our lane. The wheels started grinding the side of our Mazda, and we all started yelling obscenities while soiling our shorts. Eventually the trucker realized he was crushing a car and skulls, he moved back over but CONTINUED TO KEEP DRIVING. Yep, we pulled off to the side of the road and called the police, while the truck hit and runned us. The cops said to go back to the scene of the accident, which was basically impossible, so we were shit out of luck with shit in our pants.
• Last winter, Sam, Rob, and I were in downtown Richmond going to a Midtown show. Right as we pulled into the parking lot, a bowling ball size boulder came flying off the Interstate overpass one hundred feet above our heads. It landed right on the metal between the passenger side door window and the backdoor window. Had it hit the window, I surely would have been decapitated and pierced with shards of glass. But lucky for you, it didn't.
• In middle school, I was at the local zoo and I held a snake. Cute little snake. Cute little snake that bit me. Good thing it was a little nonpoisonous garter wimpsnake rather than a deadly viper, because then I would have been dead.
• I spent this past Spring Break in New Orleans. In my drunken stupor, I dropped lots of cash on Bourbon Street. A big, thuggish black man picked it up and tried to say it was his own. Somehow I convinced him to give it back to me, but if he wanted to, he could have gutted me with a switchblade or lit me up with a Tech nine, but once again, I defeated the odds by living.
• I've fallen and scraped my arms and knees several times throughout my life. Thank God I'm not a hemophiliac, or I'd be a goner.
• In Kindergarten, I fell off the jungle gym and got a concussion. But if the jungle gym was placed above spikes and alligators, I would be pushing up daisies either by being buried or by being alligator dung fertilizer.
• There was this one time that I simply forgot to eat dinner. Now if I had forgotten to eat food all the time, I don't think I would be faring too well.
• I talk smack to my opponents in most all serious competitive sports to psych them out and to piss them off. My Junior year in high school, I was playing association basketball and talking the usual trash to the biggest, roughest, thuggest, scariest black man on the other team. Eventually, he spit on me, and then I pushed him back. He got thrown out of the game, and since I was a retarded skinny white boy, I started taunting him as he was ushered to the sidelines. He then turned around and attempted to lunge at me, but luckily his coaches and teammates held him back. I played the remainder of the game in fear, and actually had to be ushered out of the gym by my team and parents so I wouldn't be attacked. Attacked by the same scary, crazy black man that got busted for brandishing a glock at his next game.
• One time, I dove into the pool and forgot to put my hands out in front of me. But it was okay because it was really deep water, but if it had been a baby pool, I would have broken my neck.

• His address has changed from Oklahoma to Arizona, as noted above. This time: ACTUALLY FUCKING USE IT. How would you like to get shipped off to boot camp by your lonesome and wake up at 4 am every morning only to find out that everyone is too busy watching Passions to bother writing you a letter. Even if you don't know him, say Hi.
• He is also a broke lad. Enclose some cash or a check in your letters. He is protecting your freedom, freedom that you don't deserve. AT ALL.
• If you want to talk to me or Sam with a Webcam then get Yahoo! Messenger and tell me. IT IS FUN.
• I forget what else.

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

• is also known as hydroxl acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
• contributes to the "greenhouse effect."
• may cause severe burns.
• contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
• accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
• may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
• has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage in the midwest, and recently California.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:

• as an industrial solvent and coolant.
• in nuclear power plants.
• in the production of styrofoam.
• as a fire retardant.
• in many forms of cruel animal research.
• in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.
• as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products.

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of this nation." In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.

So everyone do me a favor, and