On Friday, I was driving on I-64 to Richmond in the Pimpo what I thought would be
the normal two hour trek. BOY WAS I WRONG. A half hour into the trip, I was
startled by a really loud clankety clank clankety clank metal scraping noise.
But since I push my speedometer past it's 80 mph limit constantly, I am used to
the car violently shaking and screeching. With the addition of blasting the local
lite rock radio station in my 15 inch subwoofers, and the fact that I can't hear
shit anyways, led me to believe that this was no ordinary sound. I couldn't
figure out what the hell it was, so I pulled off an exit to a Holiday Inn.
Everyone in the parking lot was staring at me as I pulled into the parking lot
causing a commotion similar to aluminum cans off the back of a Just Married car.
I got out of the vehicle only to see my mofo'n muffler laying on the ground.
Turns out I had been dragging my entire muffler on the asphalt for 20 miles. I
called my Pops and he said just to get some wire or a coat hanger and tie it up
just to make it home to the muffler shop. And I thought to myself "Dude, I am
sitting outside a Holiday Inn, where the hell am I going to get a coat hanger? I
mean c'mon, there is no possible way that a fricking hotel out of all places
would have a coat hanger. I am SCREWED." So I just jammed the muffler back onto
the pipe and hoped that it would stay on for the remainder of the trip. I pulled
out of the parking lot and then BAM! I was dragging metal again. I pulled into a
Shell station to get some wire or something else to hold my muffler up. I picked
up some automobile hose tape and bungee cords and worked with it until I was sure
my muffler wouldn't budge. I pulled out onto the Interstate again and headed on
20 minutes later, BAM! No fucking way. I pulled off again to stop at a
tiny one room gas station/ food store/ methaphetamine outpost in hopes of
repairing my car one more time. Turns out the heat of the exhaust had melted the
tape and bungee cords, so now I was dragging a rusty old muffler, wads of tape,
and burnt rubber all over town. The clerk in the store was of no help, but as I
exited, a kind drunken redneck in a battered Ford F250 called me over. Thinking
I might just meet my soulmate, I ran over like a giddy little school girl. The
man recommended I go to Joe's Hardware Store right down the road to pick up some
wire. I agreed and thanked the man for his help. I walked over to the Pimpo to
jam the muffler up underneath just so I could make the trip to Joe's right down
the street. Upon completion, I proceeded to get into the car and then something
caught my eye. There, ten feet to my left, dangling on a No Parking sign was my
holy grail. A rusty, old coat hanger was clinging through the perforated pole
awaiting my arrival. I grabbed it and began to gently massage her tightly
knotted neck. The more I worked my burly, magic fingers across her torso, the
easier and quicker she began to unravel. Having warmed her up and gained her
trust, she was now willing to bend in positions I could never imagine. I finally
got her where I wanted her, rammed her three or four times on my car, and
ultimately she provided me with an intense satisfaction. Hold up, wait a minute,
you homos were turned on by a fricking COAT HANGER! HAHAHA. How do you explain
that one to God? HE HATES YOU NOW FOREVER. Anyways, I never had to go to Joe's
Hardware for my coat hanger pulled her end of the bargain, and held until I made
it home. I drove to the muffler shop and they replaced it for FREE. HAHAHA,
BECAUSE IT WAS A DEFECTIVE MUFFLER ALL ALONG!!!!
I hope you enjoyed my muffler mishap. I hope you get pleasure from my pain.
Laugh at me. Call me names. In God's eyes, we're all the same. EXCEPT YOU SICK
DEGENERATE INBREDS. What did I learn from this experience? I learned that I
could have died. All the sparks that were shooting off from the scraping metal
could have ignited my gas tank or a local underground natural gas line and I
would have been toast. I am now going to share with you several of my other
close encounters with death.
My earliest memory of narrowly escaping nonlife was when I was really young.
OBVIOUSLY. I was about 3 or 4 years young and I swallowed a penny. It got
lodged in my windpipe, and my parents (thankfully) were worried about me. My dad
almost cut a hole in my throat so I could breathe, but thankfully he didn't
because if I was going to live, I didn't really want a stoma. LOL. Not to
mention bloody carpets and walls. They rushed me to the hospital and somehow
they knocked it into my stomach. Turns out that the penny was lodged vertical,
so there was some air getting to my lungs of iron. Had it been laying flat, I
would have turned into a Smurf. A rancid, decaying, green Smurf two weeks later.
In elementary school, I was enjoying a day at the pool playing Categories,
Sharks and Minnows, and braiding bracelets with my aquaintances. About ten of us
decided to race the entire the length of the pool. I thought "Oh boy, a race!"
On the count of three, we all took off. Three strokes into the competition, a
kid much older than I was started dunking my head under the water. I was
scrambling for air, and he wasn't budging. I started kicking and screaming
underwater but he would not release his grip of death. I thought it was the end
of me. My entire life of seven years flashed before my eyes. I was just about
to accept my fate and succumb to the dihydrogen monoxide inhalation, when the
lifeguard jumped in and pulled the punk off of me. He got yelled at and was
ordered to sit out for fifteen minutes. I suppose a time-out is an appropriate
punishment for attempted first degree murder.
My junior year Spring Break, I was riding in a car with my pals Tony and
Dustin when a huge eighteen wheeler mack truck started merging over into our
lane. The wheels started grinding the side of our Mazda, and we all started
yelling obscenities while soiling our shorts. Eventually the trucker realized he
was crushing a car and skulls, he moved back over but CONTINUED TO KEEP DRIVING.
Yep, we pulled off to the side of the road and called the police, while the truck
hit and runned us. The cops said to go back to the scene of the accident, which
was basically impossible, so we were shit out of luck with shit in our pants.
Last winter, Sam, Rob, and I were in downtown Richmond going to a Midtown
show. Right as we pulled into the parking lot, a bowling ball size boulder came
flying off the Interstate overpass one hundred feet above our heads. It landed
right on the metal between the passenger side door window and the backdoor
window. Had it hit the window, I surely would have been decapitated and pierced
with shards of glass. But lucky for you, it didn't.
In middle school, I was at the local zoo and I held a snake. Cute little
snake. Cute little snake that bit me. Good thing it was a little nonpoisonous
garter wimpsnake rather than a deadly viper, because then I would have been dead.
I spent this past Spring Break in New Orleans. In my drunken stupor, I
dropped lots of cash on Bourbon Street. A big, thuggish black man picked it up
and tried to say it was his own. Somehow I convinced him to give it back to me,
but if he wanted to, he could have gutted me with a switchblade or lit me up with
a Tech nine, but once again, I defeated the odds by living.
I've fallen and scraped my arms and knees several times throughout my life.
Thank God I'm not a hemophiliac, or I'd be a goner.
In Kindergarten, I fell off the jungle gym and got a concussion. But if the
jungle gym was placed above spikes and alligators, I would be pushing up daisies
either by being buried or by being alligator dung fertilizer.
There was this one time that I simply forgot to eat dinner. Now if I had
forgotten to eat food all the time, I don't think I would be faring too well.
I talk smack to my opponents in most all serious competitive sports to psych
them out and to piss them off. My Junior year in high school, I was playing
association basketball and talking the usual trash to the biggest, roughest,
thuggest, scariest black man on the other team. Eventually, he spit on me, and
then I pushed him back. He got thrown out of the game, and since I was a
retarded skinny white boy, I started taunting him as he was ushered to the
sidelines. He then turned around and attempted to lunge at me, but luckily his
coaches and teammates held him back. I played the remainder of the game in fear,
and actually had to be ushered out of the gym by my team and parents so I
wouldn't be attacked. Attacked by the same scary, crazy black man that got
busted for brandishing a glock at his next game.
One time, I dove into the pool and forgot to put my hands out in front of me.
But it was okay because it was really deep water, but if it had been a baby
pool, I would have broken my neck.
Alright, that was a shitload of writing. I'll update again soon with some stuff,
but til then go to Lameking
because Spooner is hilarious and he has returned from the dead. Mad Pleasures also should
be mentioned because it's a new site and a good site, two things that I'm not.
June 27, 2003
Hey friends... and future enemies. I felt like sharing this fricking crazyass dog who walks on two legs. It really freaks me out, check out the video too. Oh, by the way, I stole the article from Crankers. Next on the agenda to watch is siamese twin porn and footage of Christopher Reeve on a pogo stick.
Last night, I talked to Sam on Yahoo! Messenger. Now this was no ordinary conversation... it was Webcam enabled! That's right, I got to see Sam for the first time since March. He was all decked out in his fatigues, and I was decked out in my birthday suit for all of the Army base to view. I figure it was the least I could do for the men that are serving our country. Knot. But I did put Playboy pictures up to the Webcam so he could enjoy. I am such a pal. Anyways, I have several things to say related to this:
His address has changed from Oklahoma to Arizona, as noted above. This time: ACTUALLY FUCKING USE IT. How would you like to get shipped off to boot camp by your lonesome and wake up at 4 am every morning only to find out that everyone is too busy watching Passions to bother writing you a letter. Even if you don't know him, say Hi.
He is also a broke lad. Enclose some cash or a check in your letters. He is protecting your freedom, freedom that you don't deserve. AT ALL.
If you want to talk to me or Sam with a Webcam then get Yahoo! Messenger and tell me. IT IS FUN.
I forget what else.
Just some quick notes before I run away. I got my Internet back right after I updated on Monday. Talk about coinicidence. Or not. I changed the format of my Subpages, so they are all PHP files and fit the format of the main page. BUT YOU DON'T CARE. I also made the smitcam picture clickable so now you can use my face as your desktop wallpaper. HAHAHAHAHA. Also, check out AndRobinMusic for all of your music service needs in the Richmond area. Sthuper.
June 23, 2003
Greetings sissy la-las. I have awaken from my 19 day slumber to bring you this special one-of-a-kind update. I am sitting in the Hillside computer lab because I don't have access to the Internet at my apartment. BECAUSE IT GOT STRUCK BY LIGHTNING. jajajajajaaja. Don't believe it? Believe it, jerkola. The lightning fried all the network switches in the entire building and zapped my network card in my computer, which had to be replaced for fifty freaking dollars. Steve's badass stereo receiver in the living room also succumbed to the wrath of Motherfucking Nature and now sits in the corner, silently mourning. The washing machine had to be taken out of the kitchen and repaired due to its broken draining mechanism. Lucky for me, I found out that the draining thingamajig was faulty the hard way. My bi-weekly load of tee shirts, cargo shorts, and towels all were saturated with dirt and filth and scum and cat piss still when I transferred the load to the dryer. Yes, they are dry now but fortunately still reak of feline urine. And finally the most devastating loss of the storm is my beloved heating blanket. No longer can I turn the blanket on preheat while I brush my teeth with Silly Strawberry toothpaste and return to slip into my warm, gentle, loveable cocoon. Yes even though it is the summer with temperatures in the 70's at night, I still prefer to sweat profusely in my coat of ecstasy. Nevermore.
Anyways, I am still without Internet even with my daily calls to the Internet company who now know me on a first-name basis. Sure the customer service staff is friendly and I give them props for that, but friendliness only goes so far without the actual fricking service. Each time I call, I get a different answer on to when the switches will be replaced. I leave voicemails pleading with the technician to call me back but to no avail. He came on Friday and said he would come back Saturday but Danwho and I knew we wouldn't see him again. So that is the reason why I haven't been on AIM, or updating this site, or emailing anybody. No, I have not become too cool for the 'net. Apparently, using the Internet is synonymous with "dork" or "loser" or "pathetic piece of white trashit" still in some people's eyes. When I hear the comments, I just snicker to myself and make a mental note to block these fools on IM upon my return! SUCKERS.
Without the ability to rely on the Internet and AIM at the tips of my cheeto caked fingertips in my bedroom, communication has come to a screeching halt. Danwho and I only know one person's cell phone that is still in town, and she's a stupid slut. We spend our evenings on the couch watching all the FOX shows. Paradise Hotel - Complete trash. Anything For Love - Kindasortamaybe trash. American Juniors - The best show to grace my 41 inch penis television set in all of its existence. A.J. Melendez is God's gift to women and old, dirty men. If he is not a winner, I will jump off my balcony. Chauncey Matthews apparently got the most votes in the first round. I don't know why. Personally I want to wipe his neverceasing fake ass grin off his face and rip off his forehead with my bare hands. But I'm not complaining.
Well I am going to go now. I just came to the lab to hop on IM, do a quiz for class, update this shiznit, and check my email. Too bad I didn't get any email. AHHAHA. Should've known. I have no idea when I will be on the computer or anything, so just call me. You can email me if you want my number or something. LOLLOOOLOL. Check out the following sites because I am supposed to have put links to them weeks ago. TATA.
Hey everyone, welcome to the new and improved love palace of smithania. It's been
weeks since I've typed anything on this, and it's flattering that so many people
are getting their panties in wads over my absence. Where have I been, you ask?
Well besides going to class for three hours a day, and then coming home and doing
nothing for 21 hours until the next class, I have been busy with my science
experiment that I feel will make the world a better place. You see lately, my
wonderful commonwealth of Virginia has been exposed to deadly levels of a
little-known compound: Dihydrogen Monoxide. I've been working with some of the
professors at my university to come up with this report, and I'm in the process
of submitting it to established scientific journals. Check it:
BAN DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE!
Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted
thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental
inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there.
Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of
DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a
bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who
have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.
is also known as hydroxl acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
contributes to the "greenhouse effect."
may cause severe burns.
contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile
has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.
Contamination is reaching epidemic proportions!
Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake,
and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant
has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars of
property damage in the midwest, and recently California.
Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:
as an industrial solvent and coolant.
in nuclear power plants.
in the production of styrofoam.
as a fire retardant.
in many forms of cruel animal research.
in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains
contaminated by this chemical.
as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products.
Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to
stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is
extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!
The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use
of this damaging chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of this
nation." In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting
experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and
utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities
receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution
network. Many store large quantities for later use.
Do something worthy of your lives and make a difference in this world. If we get enough signatures, maybe the government will pay attention to our cries.
So now you can stop bitching and moaning because I am out saving your lives.
Sheesh people. If you don't think that's sufficient to your needs, then you are
in luck. I am going to write more. LAUGH OUT LOUD.
Since I don't do shit anymore because the majority of the population of my
college has vacated for the summer, I have been scrounging for things to do..
including playing computer games. SHUT UP. Yes, I can put up the "I am
not available because I am playing a computer game that takes up the whole
screen." away message without feeling guilty of deceiving all of my thousands of
away message viewers. I've never been a big hardcore "gamer" but I do enjoy the
simple pleasures of Yahoo! Pool and Spades, and I challenge all of you to
challenge me so I can destroy you Challenger-style. Yes, I'm going to hell. I
have also taken a liken to SimCity 2000, a game that I used to play and kick ass
in. I played it Saturday with no cheats and now my city is worth 846 million
dollars, and arcologies saturate the terrain. HAHAHAHHAHA. Now it's not any fun.
SOOOOOOO I spent hours looking for SimCity 3000 to download on the internet,
illegally. In case you are retarded, scared, or simply smart, you should know
that you are able to get any program or game or song or anything on the internet.
But keep in mind you are breaking the law. HAHAHAHA. I couldn't find SimCity
3000 for shit, and I was deeply discouraged and saddened because I had failed.
Or so I thought. I downloaded the program SoulSeek which is similar to Napster, KaZaa, Morpheus and all
those other Peer2Peer filesharing programs. Only SoulSeek owns. I usually use
LimeWire to download songs
or movies, but now that SoulSeek has entered my life, I'm never leaving it. You
can seriously get any song, movie, or pirated game such as SimCity 3000 in an
instant. Now instead of staring at your computer monitor for hours on end and
getting pissed that I haven't updated, you can play games or watch movies and now
you won't EVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT GOING OUTSIDE. YEEEAH!
Two days ago, I went outside and played beach volleyball and went to the pool.
Now my shoulders are sunburnt and my face has turned a pretty rose color. I
remember in 6th grade when I went to the beach with my good ol' pal Daniel
Genovese and his family. The first day out on the beach, I didn't wear
sunscreen. The next day, my entire back was blistered and peeled raw. I could
not lay on my back without bawling like a baby shoved in a blender. My pain was
temporarily suppressed with the aid of Ms. Genovese and her wonderful concoction
of Advil and aloe. In the end, I would give my left arm to get sun poisoning
again just so I could feel the single greatest feeling one more time: cold,
refreshing aloe on my blistered, pus oozing, bleeding, scoliosis laden back.