July 26, 2003
The nonuncool cats over at CFUS.net are at it again, photoshopping pictures of my face. Check them out and go to the respective sites. Ciao.

Cyber from eHacked suggested that everyone edit this picture with my face. So technically he gets no credit for actually doing anything creative except suggesting the picture and idea, so if you don't want to go to his site then I don't blame you.


Taylor over at DrunkTV put together this brilliantly realistic masterpiece.


Mindlash from Mindlash combined his previous photoshopped pic of my face with the new photo to bring you this. He is also my host, so if you want to make a website, then go to his site. NOW.


Annnd Bartman from Waste of Technology wins the competition with this shiznit. No explanation needed.

I also want to give credit to Brendan Verse for this entry but since it's too big to fit in my table, I can't put it up. Sucka.



CLICK HERE AND VOTE.

July 23, 2003
Long time, no type. I went to the beach for all of last week with my family, but I did not take any pictures, SO GO AWAY. The beginning of the week called for a dreary forecast so spirits were glum. Tuesday, however, revived our spirits with plenty of sunshine and lots of tanning time. I did not wear any sunscreen for I believed that I was dark enough this summer from laying out at the neighborhood pool and streaking the Quad everyday. Surely I would not get burned. HAHAHAHA. You know what happens next. After absorbing rays for nine straight hours, I was advised by a lifeguard to consider seeking shelter. I laughed it off and hesistantly obliged. Later on that night, I realized how frickin baked I was. Somehow I manage to get myself fried every summer, and yet I think it can never happen again. My mother also got a splotchy burn due to inproper sunscreen application, so I like to think I fared pretty well. I sat inside and watched Dawson's Creek and Saved by the Bell reruns, and I was content. Thursday I went out on the beach again for the second and final time because I was peeling so badly. Annnnnnnyways, I did not do much except complain about my burn, eat seafood, read two books about investing in the stock market, and of course keep my nongouged out eyes glued to the FOX network. Which brings me to this update about AMERICAN JUNIORS!

I don't know how many of my readers watch this show, but I am addicted to it like a fat kid addicted to crack cocaine. Two of the original ten finalists have been chosen, Taylor and Tori Thompson. Yep, you thought right. They are indeed sisters!!!@#! And they both deserve to be in the group because they both better than the rest of the tryoutees, OBVIOUSLY. Now I will break down the rest of the eight contestants so you don't have to. Wink face.

A.J. MELENDEZ

I mentioned A.J. in a previous update right about the time the show first aired. I said he was God's gift to women and old men, or something to that extent. I'm so fucking lazy to even look back at my old writing. HAHA. He is meant to be in this group. Why, you ask? Well his name consists of an A and a J (and a Melendez, but we'll omit that for effect), and the initials of American Juniors is... you guessed it! AJ!!! Well basically A.J. comes out and dominates the stage, charming the panties off both women and me alike. His singing and stage presence is superb, but he manages to always be one beat behind when dancing with the rest of the contestants. Something to work on. He better hurry because after all, he has only 80 years to live!!! HAAAAAAAWN. Besides that minor drawback, A.J. is a combination of God and Brandon Lee from the Crow.



CHANTEL KOHL

Up next is Chantel Kohl, a girl that I dislike berry berry much. Every time she sings a song, her big fatass chunk of a dad starts bawling. It was cute maybe the first twelve times the cameraman zoomed in on him, but after that I picked up the hobby of glass eating. As for Chantel, apparently America likes her since she is consistently voted very high but not quite high enough. I just don't like her because she is unsuccessfully trying to rip off Topanga's image while being hindered with a snout of a pig.



JORDAN MCCOY

Awww, isn't she just so precious? Yeah if you like squealing little brats. I don't believe she is the youngest contestant, but she does a good job of sucking like a blind toddler with a pacifier. All of her performances are lackluster, and sadly I think she is starting to realize it, which has turned her to anorexia while remaining a midget.



KATELYN TARVER

Uh oh, the hottie of the group. Katelyn is very tall and has legs comparable to that of a young Tina Turner. OWW OWWWWWW. Enough with the pedophilia, bitchface. Her voice is almost as pretty as her face. I SAID ENOUGH! Every male judge hits on her, and I knod in total agreeance. DON'T MAKE ME HURT YOU. I know she's a little young, but no age is too young to start grooming thick, burly unattractive Adam Carolla eyebrows on such a beautiful Britney Spearesque face. DIE SICK FUCK DIE!



MORGAN BURKE

In order to please everybody in this diverse, bitching nation of ours, every show on broadcast television must have a flaming homosexual character, and American Juniors is no different. Morgan Burke more than willingly fills those shoes. He definitely has the most enthusiasm and emotion of the group which is such a stereotypical characteristic of hugely gay male. All of his theatrics could earn him a spot on some second rated Broadway show, and then he'll happily pull Lewinskys to boost him to the next level. I say give him a spot in the group just because he looks like a gay version of Smart Guy.



DANIELLE WHITE

Danielle has grown on me. Initially I never thought she should make it to the finals, but every week she is gaining my respect and admiration. Last night she sang the 1962 jam "Locomotion" and nailed it. Well, so I thought. The three judges tore her apart saying that she should stick to singing ballads. Fuck you Jordan Knight. Eat shit Debbie Gibson. Drown Gladys Night. Anyways, the only thing I can think about when watching Danielle perform is that she has this annoying gap in her mouth. Hello, dentures anyone?



LUCY HALE

OH where oh where could my Lucy be? Oh yeah, over there... yeah the girl with the Katelyn Tarver fucked up eyebrows and the Danielle White fucked up teeth. The best of both worlds. After getting by those two minute details, Lucy is a great singer. Not much to complain about, wouldn't mind seeing join the group. A++++++!



CHAUNCEY MATTHEWS

Save the best for last, right? More like save the best CRAPTASTIC PILE OF FECES for last. Chauncey fricking Matthews somehow is still in this competition. He apparently got the most votes out of any of the contestants to make it to the finals, and last week he made it to the top three. He just stands on stage, a nervous wreck. His fakeass shitty smile has to be the only thing that America is melting for, because he surely has no talents. Unless you call being a pile a shit a talent. I won't be surprised if he makes it into the group... hell even tonight since he pulled that glitter bullshit yesterday. Shoot me.




So be sure to catch the show tonight at 8:30 on FOX, and Tuesday nights at 8:00. And see if my predictions of A.J., Chauncey, and Lucy being added to the group hold true. Before I go, Amir over at Being Famous wanted me to plug his Humor Leaderboard. Go ahead and become a member on his site and submit captions for the famous person of the day! (By the way, the smitty guy on the humor leaderboard is NOT me!!!) ALSO, VOTE BELOW! BYEYBEYEBYE.



CLICK HERE AND VOTE.

July 9, 2003
Thursday night, Danwho drove me up to his home state of New Jersey so I could experience a taste of all this NJ mania and hoopla. We stayed at his family's house and woke up the next morning to go to NEW YORK CITY. What better way to spend the birthday of the greatest nation in the history of the world than to be in the greatest city in the history of the world... for 4 hours? That's right, there is no better way. Mike, Danwho, and I took the train from Dover, New Jersey up to Penn Station which is directly below Madison Square Garden. Since it was my first time being in the citay, I immediately pressured Mike to take me to Times Square so I could stand outside the MTV TRL window and scream how Britney Spears is not a virgin, but instead I settled for lots of taxi cabs and naked cowboys. Can't complain here, pah. SO UM anyways, we traveled through Times Square and stopped at the nicest McDonald's OF ALL TIME to eat since we didn't want to waste time and money at a nice place when Mike had to get back to work at Cracker Barrel. On our way to Central Park, we stopped by Radio City Music Hall, but that picture was blurry so we took another picture on a bench. However, the Chinese man was too worried about getting his daughter to sit and make perfect poses that he didn't get a good angle on us. WAAAAH. On to Central Park, and Mike offered to take my picture in front of the city so I said "Sure!" We made our way through the park to the giant rock where crazy Asians were at it again practicing CPR. Mike begged me to take a picture of this guy sleeping on the rock, but I thought it was too dull, so I took another. After leaving our marks on the rock, we walked down the steps to this statue and ultimately to the pond. After sweating my balls off trying to get this duck to come to me, we ventured off towards the zoo. This family of Jews obviously had the same idea. Then it was off to Saint Patrick's Cathedral which is named for yours truly. Inside they were conducting a mass, which was pretty neat and powerful... but they wouldn't let pictures to be taken. BOOOOOO. So if anybody was there and snagged one, send it to me, mmkay? K THX. The big atlas man is boring without my head blocking it. Right down the street, I bought a real geniune Rolex watch from a very nice watch salesman for only 20 dollars! WHAT A DEAL! But then his friend the police officer came up to him and must've commended him on a job well done. YEAH! On we go, towards the Empire State Building but we didn't go in simply because of our tight schedule and I crap my pants at altitudes above fifty feet. Back to the train we went, but at least I can say I've been on Broadway and I am now going to be a famous actor. So that is a quick summary of our brief trip, but I must say that I love New York. I want to go back and stay forever. Just call me New York Smitty. HAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. The rest of the weekend was a blast as well, but I have no pictures of it. TOO BAD! Definitely a great time. I give it ***** out of a possible *****.

Today was my last day of summer school here at JMU and I got an A in my course, biatch. I can afford to take a zero on my five page paper and not take my final and still get an A simply because I own the class!!!! And my professor rocks my bed world. I've been taking classes since August.. time for a break. I'm going home to Richmond tomorrow, and then Sunday I'm going to Nags Head, North Carolina with the fam to enjoy a week of surf, sand, sun, sweat, shrimp, sandals, and sausages. Say it with me... sausages. Then I am doing absolutely nothing at all. CALL ME. K THX. Time to go. I love you all. You have been too kind. I'm out like degout.



CLICK HERE AND VOTE.

July 7, 2003



Hi, I am going to update later when Mike sends me pictures that we took in NEW YORK CITY. Everyone seems to make pictures with my face so here's another one courtesy of DrunkTV.com. Also, everyone PLEASE CLICK HERE AND VOTE. Thanks assbags. Tata.

July 2, 2003
Today was the first day since Mrs. Hogsett's (R.I.P.) 6th grade math class that I wore my handy dandy hearing aids. I was born with a 45% hearing loss in both ears and basically can't hear shhhhit. Nobody ever believes me that I have small electronic apparatuses that amplify sound to compensate for my impaired hearing. (I am about to eat one in the picture.)

Here is a typical conversation that occurs more often than not:

Unsuspecting Idiot: Hey there, what's shakin' bacon?
Me: What?
Unsuspecting Idiot: Uh, what's shakin', you know... what's up?
Me: What? Sorry, one more time.
Unsuspecting Idiot: What are you deaf? HAHAHAHAHA. WHAT IS UP?
Me: Yeah actually, I am half deaf.
Unsuspecting Idiot: Oh. Sorry, errrrr.
Me: No, it's okay.. I was born with it. I can read lips.
Unsuspecting Idiot: OH REALLY!!!?!?! (mouths the sentence: "What am I saying?")
Me: Fuck you, everyone does that. I hate you.
TADA! Lots of times I mishear stuff and make comments totally irrelevant to the subject and make everyone else look like fools because they are the ones not talking about what I am talking about. Zing. So I figured it's about time to give my hearing aids another shot to see how it is to actually hear what is going on around me. Here's a little rundown of my hearing history:
  1. Born half deaf.
  2. Got equipped with huge tan behind the ear clunky hearing aids.
  3. Went to nursery school and was the only kid with hearing aids, and the only kid to go on the monkey bars both forward and backwards. I also remembered everyone else's address. "Who's address is 3923 Maple Street?" "HEY JOHNNY! THAT'S YOU MOTHERFUCKER!"
  4. Went to elementary school as "the kid with hearing aids." I got taunted and bullies would turn my hearing aids off and laugh at me and I would cry. Repeat.
  5. Took and failed tons of hearing tests at the hearing doctor's office. You get locked in a soundproof room, wear headphones, and press a button whenever you hear a beep. However, everytime I get a really high pitched sound, my ears ring for minutes which interrupts my concentration on the other beeps. Soooo, I think I hear a beep and press the button and I see the lady outside of the booth shaking her head at me in disgust while giving me the cut-throat motion.
  6. Went to middle school and didn't want to be known as the kid with hearing aids because after all, middle school is the devil. Nobody wants to be different, especially with a disability. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
  7. High school came around and I hadn't worn my magic devices in years, and I had gotten used to it. My sophomore year, I got 2500 dollars to get my brand new digital in the ear amazing hearing aids from a bunch of shriners who worshipped frogs. I never wore them because I got used to not having anything in my ears, and enjoy not hearing the shit that everyone else has to. HAHA BOOYA.
  8. Now I'm in college and finally realize that it might be of some value to actually hear stuff. I just have to get used to hearing rain dropping on the roof, birds chirping, faucets dripping, pages turning, and my cell phone ringing. LOLOLOOAFLAFL. Now you know the story of my half deafness... don't treat me any different. Don't shield me out of your cold hearted soulless lives. THANKS.
I'm going to New Jersey this weekend to hang with Danwho, Mike, Mike's Brother, Erin, Angel, Bewalder, Marty, Nicole, Jenny I, maybe James, and co. I've never been to the smelly armpit of the nation so I'm gunna go see what all this hoopla is about. I also hope to go into NYC because I have never been there either and I really want to go, and I get whatever I want. i wish.

I added a few ads to the site, as you can see further down the page. Click on them and sign up and buy whatever they are. I also added a little section for you guys to vote every single day. I would appreciate it if you would just click them... welll... EVERY FUCKING DAY. I also added some videos to the Pictures and Videos section but they seem rather large and take forever to load, so I may have to change the format or something. I DON'T KNOW. Everyone have a nice and happy and fun and safe and crappy holiday.

July 1, 2003