New New Years 2005!
Labeled by reputable party review magazines as "The Party of the MILLENIA!", our 3rd annual New New Years Eve party was held last Friday. You see, this party was of such enormous magnitude that it took eight days for me to finally see straight and remember my login password to update this deplorable blog/e/n/website.
The night started off in traditional fashion with as many as fifteen men (twenty nine testicles) dressed in shirts and ties standing around wondering if any ladies would ever arrive to dilute this stagnant pool of testosterone. Eventually they DID show up, as women - in fact- do want it as much as men. Of course I am referring to the 140 dollar keg of Calhoun's Smokin' Scottish, and two kegs of Natural Lite (commonly known as Splatty Lite due to the violent repercussions that plague dormitory community bathrooms the following morning.)
Much of the night was a big blur because my cones and rods are starting to attack each other, but I did take a little over 100 photos to capture the evening and throw up a gallery so everyone can stop yelling at me. I do however remember hearing from my boy Green Eggs and Sam who called me from Iraq where he is serving this country proud. I organized an impromptu toast with a handful of my best friends (who also have testicles) in dedication of Sam's awesome bravery and skills in magic. I am going to put up his address ASAP so that you can send him burned DVD's of pornography discretely labeled as Kenny G albums. Check out my gallery below as I am not a very good photographer.
Also hit up Danwho's recollection and gallery as well as C Duane's measly little gallery of the event.
Posted by Smit at 06:49 PM
Verizon cut off my DSL without my permission so now I have to wait a week to get it reconnected, but oh no, don't fret says Verizon, the installation CD comes with free complimentary AOL which I am using now. Little do they not tell you is that since the router that was provided is now rendered useless, another modem is required to access the dial-up service. And since I specifically requested that my custom built PC be torn apart so that the 56k modem be taken out for an extra 300 dollars labor charges, I had to rip out my first machine and attach the 2400 baud modem from 1994. It takes me longer to write this sentence than it takes for you to read it because my connection is that fucking slow!! HAHAHAHA.
Before I throw this piece out the window, it's time for a newsbabeflash! The Internet is always evolving, most recently the explosion of "blogs" and "babes" combined to make "babelogs!" Twice the babes, half the crap. Here's a few links to some babelogs and they are not safe for work, idiots.
Babes and Vids! | Bods for the Mods! | Babe Fanatic!
Posted by Smit at 07:55 PM
2005: Just think, you could be dead!
FEATURED SITE: All the Latest Celebrity Home Movies EXPOSED!
It's the first of January, the beginning of a new year, one more year closer to the end of my own earthly existence as well as your own, so it's time to celebrate. Celebrate by updating this website much more frequently and taking an oath to never mention my lack of updating as the bulk of all future updates. Hey it's worked so far all this year!
Shut up, anybody who makes a comment relating to the first of a new year such as "See you next year!" is grossly unfunny and should never have been invited to the party in which you threw and only invited losers... because well if you threw a party and only invited losers, you might think the person in question surely fits into this demographic and has every right to be in attendance, but you could not be more wrong as you probably laughed and gave this person a high five/shocker upon his or her banal remark.
Things that are also unfunny and should be left behind as we start this new year:
Midgets - every conversation at a college party is ruined with any lame suggestions to spice up any situation with the hiring of midgets as "pets" or "personal servants" or involve physical challenges such as "midget tossing" or "small person fondling." Chances are that you fit into one of these categories: you still think midgets are funny after I have proven otherwise, you've been in a conversation in which midgets were brought up and you either appreciated the comment or did not care for the comment or remained entirely neutral to the comment, or you are an oblivious midget who is not aware that such jokes are made about you and your kind and finally you realize you have nothing to live for, and thus you will allow me to induce euthanasia. Suggested alternatives: lepers, eunuchs.
Mullets - While I do not understand how certain groups of people (lower income white rural families) can possibly think this hideous haircut actually passes as acceptable in any realm of society, it is time to put this one to rest. Mullet jokes and mullet hunting have no business in the human social environment, and anyone who fronts and tries to pull these off at any college party in the nation should have been eliminated a few years back. Now go back and read words 8,9,10,17,27,28,29, and 38 because I tried really hard to incorporate this hidden message into this sentence, and neither the sentence nor the subliminal meaning are funny. Suggested alternatives: bowl cuts, gelled spikes.
Normally I would continue writing about more unfunny topics, but considering I cannot think of anything else because I am an uncreative sloth, I am forced to write that no additional subjects exist because I find humor in all situations and it is simply impossible to go on.
I'll be back tomorrow beeyotch.
Posted by Smit at 09:42 PM