As most of you should know, Paris Hilton apparently had her T-mobile cell phone "hacked" into, and her personal contacts and nude photographs put up on the Internet. I don't have the pictures but I've seen them. You can find them here: (You must scroll down maybe an inch you son of a mother.)
This website has taken the entire college nation by storm, bringing the ease of stalking to an all-time high. Students list personal biographical information, favorite albums and movies, courses currently enrolled in, links to their webshots, and perhaps most importantly, a list of who their friends are. While the people listed in the friends list may have never even heard of the student who has listed them, they are considered still considered their friends, and I encourage this loving community stalking type atmosphere.
That's right people, I have become so desperate to increase my pseudopopularity on TheFaceBook.com that I have decided to beg on my website for complete strangers to list me as a friend. You see, this actually a win-win situation because not only do you gain a complete stranger as a friend, but I will also list you in my friends even when I have never talked to you, thus boosting our social status at a time when social status means absolutely everything, and I MEAN EVERYTHING.
So go ahead, click on my profile and add me. So I can find out if you're the hot girls in my classes that have boyfriends which gives me more reasons to have never talked to you in the first place.
The 2nd Annual Keg Race was held on Saturday, February 5th, 2005 at approximately 3:15 or so at 1589 Fox Hills. I was on the Gray Team, once formally named I Stole Your Grays as a play on Ryan Gray's screen name, but then eventually changed to I Stole Your Kegs, which is also a play on Ryan Gray's screen name but with deeper connotations. You see, we were so confident in our ability to finish our beer faster than our opponents, that after we had finished we would run to the other side of the room and pound their beers in their face. This may also be called "flaunting" or "showboating" to make the opponent feel even more like shit than they already did.
And of course, this is what happened.
According to this website, there are 141 beers in a keg. That means 282 beers pounded by 46 people in less than 50 minutes. That is equal to around 6.13 beers per person in less than an hour. Of course, many champs went into the double digits before falling into comas.
IMPORTANT FLASHBACK: Friday night, several members of the Gray Team came over to my apartment while we kicked out Danwho as he was part of the enemy. James made a sweet iron-on logo for teeshirts, which he emailed to everyone so they could print them out and fuck up their own shirts on their own time. Lindy and Kelly cut their shirts into shreds only to sew them back together with pretty little bows and nipple holes. Their matching mini skirts were only part of our strategy, that is distracting the opponents while distracting our team at the same time, basically canceling each others distraction out, but a much welcomed cancellation at that.
We discussed how the official rules of the Keg Race clearly state that each team is allowed 5 pukes. Brains started turning and stomachs started churning at the thought of how to take advantage of this rule. This, my fellow astronauts, was the key to our future victory.
Rusty tossing the keg. (Picture to break up boring text)
Saturday came around, and the Gray team met at Kelly's to discuss any last minute strategies while Billiams cut up fabric while I sprinkled fairy dust on his ovaries. The draft's number 1 pick Rusty gave us all a little scare as he did not show up for the meeting and almost missed the race. However, he eventually arrived to the applause and original chant RUSTY RUSTY RUSTY, and then we went outside to take a team picture (as pictured below.) (I did not sprinkle any kind of dust on Billiams as he is the most manly of all that is man.)
We made it down to 1589 with minutes to spare since it is only 5 apartments down the row, where we were greeted by the evil green team. Oh, I must have forgotten that the green team talked shit about how it was IMPOSSIBLE FOR THE GRAY TEAM TO WIN BECAUSE WE HAD 5 MORE GIRLS THAN THEY DID, WHICH MEANS THEY HAD 5 MORE GUYS THAN WE DID. While this should prove true in every other realm of life, we did not let this deter us from getting the job done.
Our strategy in kicking the keg was keeping the tap flowing at all times, and filling up multiple pitchers to pass amongst the team members. The green team also had pitchers but did not utilize them as much as we did, but merely filled up double fisted solo cups. A couple of times I noticed that the green team's keg was not being used at all, while ours was flowing continuously. No way the green team could win.
Our deliberate puking strategy appeared to have been working. Michael R. Moore was the first puker, who apparently was not aware of our strategy and yacked like 15 minutes into the race. He got it all over his shirt and then hugged and canoodled with the green team's girls. I think James puked next, which was part of our plan. He had consumed ten beers in half an hour, puked up all ten to make room for another ten, and did just that. He is no longer alive. Piyum was another surprise puker, as he pranced into the bathroom like a little girl and spit up a teaspoon full of vomit. I screamed at him to pull the trigger and get as much out as he could so that he could have room for more beer, but he quickly exclaimed that a teaspoon is the maximum that he can handle. Then Luis chugged beers until his eyes watered right outside the loo until he could possibly not take anymore. We utilized 4 of our 5 pukes, expunging about 20 12 ounce and a teaspoon worth of beer, making room for another 20 and tsp. Mike was the only green team puker, and he did it in classic fashion outside the window for everyone to see.
45 minutes later, the green team's keg had been kicked. I was drunk and dumbfounded at how this could have happened as they contradicted my observations and hypothesis. Our keg still had beer in it, and the other team had more guys so there was no hope for us. OR WAS THERE!
The green team still had beers in their hands and pitchers and obviously thought victory was in the bag. I walked over to our keg and said a little prayer that it would start spitting, and it suddenly it did. We quickly distributed our beer and screamed encouraging words in our teammates faces to quickly get that beer in their bodies. What seemed like mere seconds, I looked around and saw empty cups in all of my teammates hands and the energy started to build. The place just erupted in cheers as the Gray Team realized that they had slain the green giant, and I will never forget Angel's look of shock on his face.
I was incredibly inebriated and intense as I screamed at everyone on the green team because they kept saying there was no way for us to win, as we had more girls than they did. So obviously I shoved that back in their face by yelling YOU LOST TO GIRLS MOTHERFUCKER and I pulled down my pants to show them my mangina. However, I did not pull down my pants to show them my mangina, I don't know why I said that.
Billiams and Scott ran to the other side and pounded 2 of their beers so that we could uphold the name of our team, I Stole Your Kegs.
BACK FROM THE FLASHBACK:
My good buddy twin Ryan was obviously stunned at the improbability of his defeat that he was yelling about how we puked and somehow that should discredit our win. While the green team probably had more beer in their systems collectively as a whole, the rules are rules and we took full advantage of the puke rule. Of course I got in his face yelling nonsense about how it was our strategy and neither one of us could comprehend what was going on, so it quickly escalated into pushing and more yelling. Kristian pulled me outside where I came to realize what the hell just happened, and as I was about to make my way back inside to make amends with my good ol buddy ol pal, I see Ryan's face of fury and hands clawing at the side of the door trying to get out and kill me. Luckily Kristian had him on his shoulder and did not let him out, or who knows what would have happened. I probably would have ran and he would have chased me for 4 blocks until we would both pass out in the middle of Deer Run. Three minutes after the rabid beast tried escaping his cage, he came outside and we hugged and made out, I mean made up. Alcohol and intense opposing energy can only mean disaster.
It was now 4:15, and everyone was ridiculously trashed. Keg tossing contests ensued, and the brilliant idea of taking the bus to Gibbons Dining Facility ("D-Hall") on campus was brought up. Thirty of us ambushed the cafeteria in our respective team's gear, where the rest of the student body just couldn't believe how ABSOLUTELY CRAZY THOSE GUYS ARE, OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE THEM WOWOWOW. We shoved dinner down our throats. Clay dumped ice cream on Burns' head, and that was about the time we got out of there.
Some of the group waiting for the bus. (Picture to break up boring text)
Most everyone went home and passed out by 9 pm, myself included. However some manned up and drank even more. I have not heard from them since.
I took 256 pictures of the day, but only 165 turned out. Some of my favorite ones didn't work, including photos of the actual keg race and team pictures. Courtney Duane put some of hers up, DanWho put his up the night of the draft WITH captions- I don't know how he does it, KelGirl has some webshots up, and I'm waiting for the other slackasses to upload theirs. But until then, below is my gallery:
Hello ladies and small gentle boys, this is Smatrick McSmatrick reporting live from 1145 Gray Ashby with the latest results from the Keg Race Draft. While there were no monumental surprises, Erin Walsh told a dirty joke about my favorite Disney characters which will scar me for life. I lied about the monumental surprises part, but I did not lie about Erin killing the last living piece of my soul.
There were many huge last minute dropouts such as Meat, Wodsey, Nick, Polak, and I can't remember anymore because they are probably insignificant factors anyways. So here's the rundown of the Draft:
1. Rusty- obvious choice, don't know if it's his ability to pound beers or a personal vendetta against all non-Steelers fans on Super Bowl weekend but this was no surprise. 2. Shaun - once again no surprise, I was taking a nap during the first two picks and I woke up suddenly in a cold sweat and asked everyone around me who the first two picks were and before they could answer I screamed Rusty and Shaun! and then I passed back out before they confirmed that of course I was right and I slept like a little bitch. 3. Mike - I think this is right, screw the I think part, I know this is right because I am always right even if I am wrong, but he wasn't at the draft because he was working to support his special lady friend. 4. Clay - While this is no surprise, he is a rookie to the Keg Race and was not placed in the original predictions. Good pick Ed. 5. Smit (me) - Of course I should have been picked in the first round, I decided to settle for the 1st pick in the 3rd round only to the surprise of everyone in the entire apartment so suck it.
I don't remember the rest of the draft order really but does it matter? It pretty much can be summed up like this: Most guys picked, Courtney Duane picked, some more guys, the rest of the girls picked, Golf Tom picked.
While Draft order is no longer important, I will recall the members of my team (The Gray Team):
Ed, Rusty, Patrick Joseph Smith, Burns, Billiams, James, Piyum, Danwho, Luis, Michael Ryan Moore, Amanda, Joy, Scully, Erin Walsh, ummmmm I don't remember!!! Hahaahhahaha!
The Green (Losers) team consists of all the other people in the draft that sucked so much that they didn't get picked so that they had to be on the Green team.
I did take pictures of most everybody receiving their shirts, both the Gray team and the losers that didn't get picked and had to settle for the Green team. So go ahead and look at the Gray team and the losers.
DISCLAIMER: Welcome back to our two-part Pre-Draft Selection Special here at Smithappens.com! We hope you all enjoyed the power rankings. Now its time for the real deal, the MOC-KEG RACE DRAFT!
I would like to throw out a disclaimer. While some might be offended at their projected selection remember it’s all in good fun and while some of the girls might feel sleighted as well as the guys remember, it is only natural to figure that with our body weight we are better drinkers, not because of any more or less quicker we will drink but b/c of how much more our bodies can hold.
Guys, I did my best, just go with it. Most of the new players rankings were lower because of their inexperience with the KEG RACE itself, not drinking.
When you read notice the name in (Parenthesis). It signifies what team they were on last year or whether or not they competed as seen in the N/A.
Please take it with a grain of salt and humor, take er easy and if she’s shue, you know the rest!!!
1. Rusty(Blue)– This should come as no surprise. He went late last year, that won’t happen again.
2. Shaun (Anti) – Second pick last year, second pick this year.
3. Meat (Blue) – A surprise? I think not, this man was taken high last year by Ed and proved his worth, prepare for more of the same.
4. Mike (Anti) – Mike is prepared to step it up from his mid pick status from last year. Expect a strong display of his skills.
5. Burns (Anti) – Selected lower than his skills show last year, I feel that the managers should recognize Burns earlier rather than later.
6. Billiams (Anti) – While some might say “how so?” I say just have faith. Bill’s gotten tougher after his stint away from 1589 and he’s going to show it.
7. Blonde Jon (Anti) – Again, why so early? This being the second year, we saw a lot out of Jon last year. His stock has risen.
8. Kristian (N/A) – While lacking experience, he’s still prepped. Just look at his track record. Which ever manager takes him knows what Kristian brings to the table and will realize it early in the draft rounds
9. Smitty (Anti) – Endurance early on in this draft it key. Expect a lot of selections like this to follow after Smitty is drafted. From here on out consider the following rounds to be your 5-tool players.
10. Angel (Anti) – Again, endurance will be a common theme for a few rounds.
11. James (Blue) - His t-shirt last year was top notch.
12. Luis (Anti) – Travels have made him hungry but more importantly THIRSTY.
13. Ryan (Blue) - Two in one combo of Trevor and Ryan shouldn’t go unnoticed and his shirt was also quite entertaining.
14. Grant (N/A) – while some of you might say he should’ve been earlier, his inexperience with the race is his downside. He’ll prove us wrong but experience weighs in this draft.
15. Nick (Anti) - Smooth as silk.
16. Piyum (Anti) - Someone has to have confidence in him and I expect him to exorcise his demons of recent past.
17. Brad (Anti) - Since he’s not going to be doing double duty this year around, he’s vaulted himself.
18. Danwho (N/A) - Drunken stupor, sloppy speech, anyone who takes themselves to that extent when drinking needs to go in the top 20.
19. Galli (Anti) - Unfortunately I hate to see Galli this low but his pick last year has hurt him, not to mention his demand of a trade; his karma comes at a high price.
20. Steve (Blue) - Depending on which team is on which side, Steve might be distracted by the window.
21. Mac n Steve (N/A) – Keep this kid off a team with girls or else! Especially Stine or Pee Pee lips if she should play.
22. Vini & Clay (N/A) – While I can’t say I like seeing Vini and Clay this low, I can’t really make a good judgment call on them because frankly I don’t know them, however, look for them to go in the middle of the pack of men only bc of the mystery of what they could bring.
23. Duane (Blue) – Make hers a double! While she was taken mid-early on last year, I don’t expect this year’s draft to be as calm, she could go perhaps 10 picks ahead of where I have her .Don’t be surprised!
24. Polak (Blue) – Another on of the victor’s spoils, expect Polak to go early.
25. Abby (N/A) – Status unknown but if playing, what a steal!
26. Joy (Blue) - +1 baby, she’s got history! Without her trade team blue would not be engraved in block lore.
27. Pride (N/A) – Status uncertain but come on, Pride and Joy? You can’t take one without the other, easily taken in tandem.
28. Kelly (Blue) – Status uncertain but she packs a drinking punch.
29. Scully (Anti) – Get her together with her apartment and she’s lethal.
30. Stine (Blue) – Her back door is locked! The opposite coach of Mac n Steve’s team needs to take Stine, DO NOT LET THEM COHABITAT TOGETHER or else expect problems.
31. Mo (Blue) – Again, combined with her girls, the four amigos will dominate.
32. Asian (Anti) – Motor mouth but keep her quiet and she’ll do just fine.
33. Jenny I (Anti) – Status uncertain but she’ll show up for sheer revenge of last years selection number if she plays.
34. Amanda (Anti) – Salamanda as Smitty says, expect more of the same of last years performance, reserved and steady.
35. E. Walsh (N/A) – Wisdom from a leader in McHale pushes her.
36. AnnieFegs (N/A) – Status uncertain but an intimidating force.
37. T Doyle (N/A) – I can say from experience she gets drunk easily but depending on which team she’s on, she will be ready with some help from her significant other.
38. Lindy (Blue) – Status uncertain but I have faith she’ll compete. Experienced and sound player.
39. Jean (N/A) – A newcomer but one of the hottest American Gladiators I’ve ever seen.
40. Babies (N/A) – Status uncertain but she’ll lie on the ground and trip any competitor you need.
41. BJ (N/A) – Status uncertain but apparently she’ll moon to your hearts content, distraction ranking = 10.
42. Shue (N/A) – While she didn’t compete last year, I’ve heard she doesn’t drink beer? I don’t know. Expect drunken dramatics but she’ll suck ‘em down with the swiftness.
Hello All and welcome to Ryan
Kiper Jr.’s Pre-Draft Power Rankings and Projected Draft Order Special!
While I am in no way qualified
to rank any of us against the other one, I will proceed to make observations
and academic guesses for the sure fire hell of it for our amusement. (and
possibly to help out our eager managers who will be drafting on Thursday
The first part of this two part update
on SMITHAPPENS.COM will be a highlight of all the players
of whom I am guessing will be participating in the draft and race. Consider
this like a pre-NFL draft special but with beer. Wait a minute, that’s
basically what football is right? Ok nevermind here are the criteria of
which I am basing and choose the following individuals:
-Particpation in last years race –and/OR-
willingness vocalized previously at parties or other block gatherings
-Performance, not only by the individual
but by their team, last year.
-Party prowess and other intangibles such
as funneling, chugging, beer pong, athletic prowess, and sheer mental
I will rank these individuals by what I
consider “positions.” Like in any other sport (YES
DRINKING IS A SPORT) you have role players and positions in a
team. For our purposes we will combine positions from all kinds of sports,
including some new ones I have made up and which you will recognize by
name. Each position will have a definition (unless unnecessary) so here
CLICK ON THE PICTURES TO SEE BIGGER PICTURES IDIOT!
These two men fought bravely for their teams last year, and only one came
out on top. Will the results be the same this year? Only the draft will
A sports genius. This kid is a soldier. He will make shrewd deals and
utilize no doubt this power ranking sheet to its utmost possibility. Infamously
trading away Joy + 1 beer last year for Galli might have been his biggest
mistake but he’s ready for redemption like the rest of his last
years team. Known to pee on just about everything, look for him to try
to take much of his same team from last year.
Intangible: Mark was injured last
year but is healthy and ready to go now. In the offseason Mark took some
nice vacations and has color back in his cheeks. He’s ready.
The victorious captain of the first Keg Race, EB III knows his drinkers.
While his primetime player is missing, he isn’t scared. EB will
focus on his team one round at a time, taking who he feels will provide
the best opportunity for his team to get another W. Small in stature,
but large in heart, Ed is ready for a repeat.
Intangible: As of late, Ed has
been on a rampage. During the Pub Crawl Ed could barely sit in his seat.
When his beer was taken away from him, he demanded it back despite his
lack of desire to drink it. That’s determination.
CLICK ON THE PICTURES TO SEE BIGGER PICTURES IDIOT!
Basically the leaders of the squad. They call the plays, determine how the
game goes, and ultimately will be the marquee player on a team.
Based on his team’s performance last year, the loss of key players
like Tom and Joe, Rusty’s ability to chug crown royal
after listening to “Here We Go” all day and watching his Steelers
get beaten unwittingly by the Patriots during the AFC Championship two
weeks ago make him my top QB. This man is a beast. He will grow a beard
longer than you father, suck down more blue drink than your mother, and
still be coherent enough to sing all the right words to any Irish Drinking
song you can name. Rusty will be a key element to whichever team he is
Intagible: He made and runs his
own bar. Enough said.
Shaun “Swisher Sweet”
What can be said about this man? He will drink all day, the next morning,
that night again, and still be able to stand up and piss about 3 gallons
on your couch. Shaun knows what it means to be a drinker. Selected in
the top round last year he proved to be a monster ingredient to the Anti-Sellouts
second place finish. He holds the record for most beer bongs in a single
hour; he knows when to shut it up and put it down and when you’re
in a drinking contest that matters. A lover of babies, a dancer with babies,
and a man of true integrity, Swisher is one of the premier QB’s
in the league.
Intagible: He’s drank so
much that he has pissed in the majority of Harrisonburg’s finest
apartments and has even slept through Keown making sweet love, I’d
say that’s a definite factor.
His capabilities are only surpassed by his significant other. We have
seen his abilities showcased in many events including last years race,
our trail to victory in Chattanooga, where he proceeded to tank beers
the whole ride to Furman, then upon arriving ordered not one but TWO buckets
of Coors bottles to consume within a matter of an hour. We all saw the
bash he threw last weekend and now that we know he actually sleeps on
a bed and not his car seat, his stock has only risen.
Intangible: Rumor has it all he
does at work in the library all day is contemplate what happy hour to
attend. Also, he’s an ex-volunteer; not too shabby drinkers I hear.
Our commissioner. A pioneer in party planning. Mike knows how to put on
a drinkfest extravaganza. Bonging since he was 5, this man prides himself
in his Irish heritage and doubtlessly will rock his kilt on game day,
freeing him of the bondages us mortal men have in clothing. He selflessly
devotes himself to our partying without any regard for his home or possessions,
and we can only rest assure the same is said for him come Saturday.
Intangible: Apart & victim
of the great KEG DISASTER OF 2002, nevertheless, prevailed in absolving
himself and Angel of all charges. Be sure if it comes down to
a beer again he will find a way to put it in his team’s favor.
Fresh off his visit to Spain, and good friends with last year’s
MVP Big Tom, Burns is hyped. He is intense and ready to drink. After
missing half the season due to travel, he is poised to make a big splash
in the second half. His workout last week was intimidating. He drank his
team to a top finish at the case race and is ready for vengeance after
last years loss to team blue.
Intangible: Plans beer pong tournaments
in his sleep and you can be sure that he will know when and who to pair
up and set down when things get rough during the race.
A newcomer to The Block, Kristian has carved a nice little niche for himself
within the power rankings of the group. He can do a double power hour
DVD on a whimsy and it has been said that he drank nonstop from afternoon
up until we arrived at Bdubs on victory parade day with minimal sleep.
He is willing to sacrifice limb and beautiful blonde locks for the sake
of hops & barley on the road to nothing short of victory.
Intangible: A phys-ed teacher
in training—In shape and ready to drink.
CLICK ON THE PICTURES TO SEE BIGGER PICTURES IDIOT!
Like in bball, the guard is your typical go to guy. In some ways similar
to the QB but not looked to for leadership constantly and isn’t
expected to carry much weight but can if they must. Keeps the team on
a steady pace, both mentally and through his own performance. They won’t
drink heavily or lightly but will stay focused on the task at hand—the
beer that’s in it!
happy, handsome. Big smile = big mouth = large gulps; it equates. Four
years of steady drinking are undeniable. Don’t let his skinny size
fool you, his drinks are strong and he knows when it the race switches
from a marathon to a sprint.
Intangible: Be careful of his
cunning ability to throw you off your mark. His distracting abilities
are one of a kind.
Goulet in carnet. Neighbor to one of the top QB’s, Jon isn’t
extraordinary, he doesn’t wow you, he doesn’t amaze. Jon keeps
it short and sweet, exchanging quips to his enemies in between sips. He
doesn’t fool around w/ unnecessary conversation and like Burns,
knows when to buckle down and hand out duties to those who are slacking
or are needed.
Intangible: OPA alumni, what else
do they have to do during the summer but drink a lot?
Finishes one, and already another is opened and waiting. His constant
naps during the day can only allude to his desire to take a few down to
mask his grogginess. While genuinely late to most happy hour functions,
once Smitty sets down he catches up quick, which you can imagine plays
a factor when he would start at the same time as everyone else.
Intangibles: Has driven the whole
way to Miami and three-fourths of the way back. Endurance is a top tool
when it comes to an afternoon of heavy drinking, he’s got it.
Young, hip, and Euro. Known to be one of the more obscure players in the
draft, Nick is my sleeper for Guards this year. His eye can catch any
hint of liquid still lingering around and with his quickness will make
sure his team has all loose ends tied up in a matter of seconds. While
unknown as to his drinking habits, he does live in one of the most highly
bar-decorated apartments on the block.
Intangible: DDR nut. Once again,
his ability to last will come in play. Endurance from dancing to techno
translates into more cups drunk.
Unfortunately Piyum has been plagued by a series of drunken incidents.
From beer on your head to being out drank by his girlfriend, Piyum has
become a black sheep. Despite, his soft spoken manner is exactly what
the guard position is all about. Not a star or a show stealer, he will
do his job and let everyone else observe him, leading by example.
Intangible: Piyum was left with
his team’s last cup last year when they thought victory was in hand.
We shall see if this doesn’t motivate him to compensate this year
with a more vigorous drinking pattern.
The first female on our position list, and one of the top two females
last year. While many underestimate her drinking prowess we all know that
when girls drink, they loose their inhibitions and that equals nonstop
drinking momentum! She will recklessly swallow her way through at least
8 beers before some get their fourth!
Intangibles: Pure Southern Comfort.
She hails from Kentucky and if I’m not mistaken, don’t they
make this stuff called whiskey there?
CLICK ON THE PICTURES TO SEE BIGGER PICTURES IDIOT!
These players are not flashy. They drink, bottom line. They are the workhorses.
They conserve the affects of their drinks until the very end. Pacing is
a distinct tool to these players, and a key to any winning team. They can
range from any size and shape and are more about the mental edge as opposed
to time constraints. They take their beer and like it, usually consuming
it and hiding it deep within some portion of their body like a belly, boob,
His name says it all. Built & ready to pound 12 oz. curls. Another
tenant of a well bar-decorated lair and his huge pecks can seemingly hold
a gallon by themselves.
Intangible: Can crush a can with
his forearm bicep! (I don’t really know but that would be sweet!)
James A, a pure Italian stallion. His husky and hairy build combined
with his seriousness towards his teams cause would lead me to label him
“the Thing” in this year’s draft. Solid and unshakeable.
Intangible: Likes Calhouns beer,
and that beer is not keg race regulated being too dark and full. You do
Ryan starts off slow but gradually exceeds others around him silently.
Comes through in a clutch. When everyone else slows it down, Ryan, just
like James, picks it up bitch! He’s put in long overtime hours on
his beer belly and that type of determination cannot be denied. Let’s
his emotions guide him and they can take him all the way to the top when
provoked. His conjoined twin Trevor is a powerful factor, two is better
Intangible: Son of a pair of Bartenders
and a Bartender himself, Ryan knows when to tell people when they’ve
had enough and his knowledge and secrets to a good pregame ritual are
Also freshly returned from Espana, this Mexican dreamboat is ready to
be reintroduced to the season. He will chug Dom Perrion without a second
thought. While not as built frame wise in thickness, Luis is a fighter.
His intensity overshadows his lack of body mass and his drive to keep
going compensates as well.
Intangibles: He’s Mexican,
and as we all know, they work hard long hours pulling weeds in our gardends.
Enrique ain’t got shit on a man who can sweat cervezas!
While Bill might feel slighted in his ranking, he shouldn’t. The
forwards are a tough category and like I said before, the workhorses of
their team. Once removed from 1589, Bill is ready for his return. Because
of his departure from the Block itself, Bill’s drinking prowess
is rarely seen. Jacked and stacked, his sexy pecks will consume any beast
or stone that is placed before him. He’s recently been seen practicing
his chugging stance and that right arm of his is a perfect pumper, of
which both teams will need.
Intangible: “Hey, I'm Bill
Williams, wanna blank my blank...” --If he can say that, and get
away with it, he’s ok in my book.
The grandmother and wise sage of The Block, she is a beast. Can probably
drink a lot of the guys under the table and lapdance you till you pop.
While her LAX duties have taken her away from the drinking game, we can
be sure she has been doing a rigorous training routine in order to compensate.
Her huge chest can only help her cause, in both distraction and consumption.
Intangible: She is the eldest
statesmen. Leadership skills from her LAX team translate to a strong pick
in the early mid rounds.
CLICK ON THE PICTURES TO SEE BIGGER PICTURES IDIOT!
These individuals will fill the void. If you need a beer
down fast or to finish the pitcher before you fill it up again, these
are your go to guys. They can provide a beer in a pinch or help out with
passing, pumping, or chugging.
This man is mean. Poised for vengeance because of his low selection last
year and his eventual trade, Galli’s tattoo has plans of its own.
Intangible: + 1 will forever resonate
in his mind and in his teammates’. Look for redemption.
The Duke Dog himself. Arriving late last year and drinking out of the
enemies cup, Brad is also ready for redemption and full appearance. He’s
skinny, he’s emo, he’s got glue in his hair. Crazy & ready
to start on time.
Intangible: Has done keg stands
as the Duke Dog, that’s like chugging ice cold beer out of a milk
jug, not fun or easy.
This girl can hold her own with the big boys. Has beaten Piyum in a one
on one drinking match up and showed up huge last week for her squad in
the case race. Reckless and ready. I don’t think I need to say much
about her, she’s made a name for herself among the elite.
Intangible: blonde & unthreatening
appearance. She will fool you into thinking she’s a lightweight.
My vote is SLEEPER CITY!!!
Along with Bill, his drinking habits have become increasingly unknown,
however, his antics at the start of the season proved that he can still
hold his own. Has also driven all the way to Nawlins and back by himself
= endurance. He was a mess at the first tailgate and proved that 1589’s
windows are no match for this Sayville native.
Intangible: This year’s
location is the same. His enemy will be the window, the only question
is will he have the gumption enough to finish it this time or be stopped
by its glass frame?
Well he witnessed our drunken escapades last year and through that eye
witness account we can only imagine he took away only the best techniques.
Took sick to compete last year, Danwho’s spongelike brain soaked
up all the ways to better serve whatever team he lands on. While we know
he wanders about when wasted and does his best work on his website drunk,
I think I can safely say he’ll leave it all out on the keg shell
Intangible: A chronic insomniac
–BUT- has fought off academic proby his entire college career. I
can see him fighting off the beer coming up his throat just the same.
Kids got grit.
Mac –n- Steve
What can be said about a man who keeps having his beer knocked out of
his hand by a phone book and continues to refill and again be thrwarted
all the while coasters and cards are flying at his head? Well, nothing.
He knows no butthole unfingered, especially the back door queens, and
his loose style allows for adaptation during the late minutes. Good off
Intangible: Although new to our
group, this kid’s got guts and his tenacity is shown through his
bus ride all alone to Chattanooga. Expect that on whatever team he’s
Somewhere along the lines you need someone to fill in the gaps—that’s
where the short-stop comes in. They fill the holes left in the infield.
They might not shine, they might not drink as much as the others, but it’s
a team effort, and someone has to bat 9th right?
She’s scary, and I mean that in a good way. I am afraid actually
of what is going to happen to me since I put her in this category but
she’s a hole filler. She’ll steal bases, hit line drives,
even take on for the team. Solid, solid, solid. A team player and what
Intangible: Loud and proud, intimidating
boys since 1983. I like it.
I’m not quite sure if she’s competing this year or not but
she will wax you til the sun comes up. Can’t beat anyone a drinker
who can chug and wax at the same time.
Intangible: MIA a lot of the time
but recently has come out more often. We like to see that considering
Jen’s excellent drinking capabilities.
Girlfriend to Blonde Jon and perhaps the most talkative of our group.
Her vocal talents may hinder your team due to the lack of drinking while
she’s talking but hey, it’s what she does. She might be the
smallest but she’ll take one down if your low on stomach space.
Loves the foam and once she starts, she don’t stop!
Intangible: Was beaten by a can.
She’s out for blood this year.
Just like Asian Lindsey but with Richmond spirit. Can’t be anyone
who always calls you by your first and last name. Doesn’t say much
but that’s because she’s busy drinking while your talking.
Consider her my set up gal!
Intangible: While I am not knowledgeable
enough, Smitty tells me Amanda P. will sneak beer out of your cup just
because she’s tired of waiting for hers to fill. I like that type
The name says it all. These folks will finish out your game for you. When
there’s 2 out, bases loaded, bottom of the hour, they will take that
beer for you (barring they haven’t already drank more than 3 or 4)
and take it down without a trace of residual foam. They go down with the
likes of Vinateri, Eckersly, and John Franco. Don’t tell them the
game’s not over, b/c they have already sealed it.
What a woman. She will take that beer down faster and harder than—well
I had probably better stop there. Anyway, Anne’s status for this
event is uncertain but should she participate, her friendship with Abby
only helps her, and if she is drafted she will become one of the premiere
reserves for pounding in the later minutes.
Intangible: Works out more than
Arnold. She’ll kick your ass and smile sweeter than a peppermint
while doing it. Posh spice gets my vote for last minute drinker of the
Heather is a goddess amongst mere dogs. She is a brilliant mind
trapped in a hot body. Scully isn’t a powerful drinker but when
she’s called upon will wipe out whatever you place in front of her
in a split second. Take her knowledge of the jersey shore and you’ve
got a primetime package!
Intangible: The powerful draw
to chant her name will undoubtedly cause the other team to start one.
Consider that a plus in the win column.
Well, well, well. We reach the best and greatest nickname of all time.
She will play zoomey zoomey with the best of them and even though her
fajita’s elitest lifestyle isn’t model, she’s smoke
free and lovin it for some time now. Stine has been seen prepping for
this day for months now at UREC and is ready to cause a stir in the draft
order. Don’t be surprised if she turns out to be the dominant force
the other team wishes it had.
Intangible: Once went down to
one on one in strip zoomey zoomey with your truly and closed it out with
the knowledge that is now her namesake. I don’t think I should say
anymore, I’ll let you all just think about that one on your own.
Maureen The Dream
There’s not much one can say about The Dream. Like others with her
nickname, she is a dominant blocker. Like Hakeem, Mo is strong willed,
forceful, and will demand a beer when she’s lacking one. Don’t
sleep on her, she’ll put them down before you can pull them up.
Intangible: A marathon runner
and once again, endurance endurance endurance.
I have no idea where to place these folks considering they missed out on
last years events and really I am tired of picking out where people should
go, so instead I will write in what I think they should play.
Did you just say he can’t drink? I think that’s what he thinks
you just said. I don’ think you want him to prove it. Grant spent
last spring semester in Dublin and is ready to show off his drinking talents
he obtained. I would place him into a Power Forward role, if not a Utility
Erin was MIA last year in Italy. Her love, Joe McWalsh, a key player in
his teams performance last year without a doubt has given her pointers
in his absence. I would put Erin as a Shortstop.
Tori also was away from us last year in Dublin, however she didn’t
really pick up any drinking habits because she’s already Irish.
Hailing from Boston, Tori is probably ready to finally celebrate her town’s
World Series win the right way. I can see her providing a strong closers
role or even a shortstop.
Now there are probably a lot
of people I am not including but they are most likely those I either do
not know or am unsure if they will be participating. Enjoy the rankings
and we’ll be back at you with my round by round pre draft projected