August 30, 2003

Last night was the Fox Hills block party of the MILLENIA! I have yet to aquire pictures of last night because I'm waiting for my digital photos to be developed at the one hour photo. HAHAHHA GET IT?! I WAS SOOOO WASTED I DROPPED MY DIGITAL CAMERA IN THE OVERNIGHT DROPBOX TO GET DEVELOPED HAHAAHA. no, not really... i just don't have any friends let alone friends that have cameras. Below are some pictures of a Tuesday night at 1589 when we had school the next day!! HAHAHA HARDCORE!! Here is a video that Mike took of Jenny I. doing the waxing dance. She thought Mike was going to take a picture and then she wondered why the flash didn't go off. God bless Jenny I. Now finally here are two Peeing Mexican drawings done by my twin Ryan Gray. Fucking brilliant... the first one is JMU style beer pong in which we are partners and beat everyone even Teggy and Johnny. And the second one is the best Peeing Mexican drawing of all time... so many perfect elements. I present to you the FOX HILL 2003 BLOCK PARTY PEEING MEXICAN STYLE. Click to make them bigger. CLICK HERE AND VOTE.

August 29, 2003

Click Pic for more. :) CLICK HERE AND VOTE.

August 27, 2003

Hey slutbuckets. I am pretty exhausted from having to wake up at 9:30 this morning to attend my one and only course on Wednesday, aptly titled Introduction to a Keyboard and Mouse. not really, but so far I've learned that a monitor is connected to the computer and a floppy disk is used to hold stuff. The first week is expected to be easy as pie, and I'm sure the workload and Photoshop stuff will make me eat my words. The teacher is cool as hell already, I know this... MAN. I am taking another Media Arts and Design (my major) course which is held in the local PBS television station. This one teaches us the elements of producing a real live television show. The teacher has already told us stories about his fascinating career, and I cannot wait to take over as light man for Sesame Street. Classical music is the subject at hand this semester in my general music course. My professor certainly loves her baroque and romantic sonatas and has even enrolled ten more students then there are chairs. The room is already cramped as it is with my elbows keeping each other company for the full 75 minutes. The stragglers who walked in late had the options of sitting on the piano bench, crappy metal chairs, or the tile floor. Fat girls who climb over me to sit in the middle seat usually annoy me and churn my stomach, but the whiff I caught as her flab bounced in my face smelled like a meadow of daisies on a late summer eve. I've never been so attracted to the scent of a douche. OH MY GOD THAT IS FUCKING DISGUSTING. Nutrition lady is a fricking psycho, but that's what I look for in a mate teacher. Nothing beats listening to her call roll of 110 students and mispronouncing every other name. She calls me Smitty Smith. JIGGILO! And finally my fifth and most likely most challenging course is Microeconomics 201. Call me crazy or huge fag, but I'm planning on graduating with a B.S. in SMAD and a minor in Econ. Totally random but I figure maybe one day I can start a website that is dedicated to Warren Buffett and his cheeseburgers in paradise. It's nice to dream. Well fuckaduck, I've been kinda busy just with classes and errands and living in Fox Hill and drinking on weeknights and forgetting about this site. While that's not a good excuse, it's still an excuse and that's sufficient for me. This weekend was the annual Forest Hills hugeass block party. Basically it's a massive gathering of both returning students looking to get drunk and catch up and/or hook up with friends that they haven't seen in 3 months, and the entire freshmen class out stumbling around the mountainy terrain in high heels. Four years ago, this party made national headlines when the wonderful Harrisonburg Podice Department decided to unleash tear gas and rubber bullets on the masses. Smart move trying to sustain order with 5,000 drunken college students. Fires and vandalism ensued. Arrests were made left and right. CNN and the Washington Times broke the story to the nation. JMU made it's mark as one hellUVA party school!!! WOOOHOOO PARTAY I AM SOOO WASTED! I only made it to Forest Hills for like 30 minutes not because I was so awesomely inebriated but because I am scared of the policeman. Apparently an extra 200 cops came up from Charlottesville to try and contain this one helluva party school! WAHOOWA!! So yeah, it's no fun with the flashlight in your face and any alcohol violations counting towards your expulsion from the University. (Count the UVA references and I will give you a cookie.) Hum de dum de dum de dum. There's nothing like the first week of classes with spending 500 dollars on books that I will sell back to the bookstore in December for 34. So that is why the Student Government Association has come up with the brilliant idea to make a book trading site on their site. WOW THAT'S GENIUS! MAYBE BECAUSE I HAD THE FUCKING JMU BOOKTRADING SITE LAST YEAR, AND THEY COPIED IT DIRECTLY. THE PRESIDENT OF THE SGA USED THE BOOKTRADING SITE AS PART OF HIS PLATFORM FOR REELECTION AND IT'S ALL BULLSHIT. IMPEACHMENT! SO I'M ASKING ALL YOU JMUERS TO SPREAD THE WORD TO BOYCOTT THE SGA'S BOOK EXCHANGE. SERIOUSLY, IT WILL SHOW THEM NOT TO FUCK WITH THE SMITMAN AND THE PETEFACE. SO GO TO MY BOOK TRADING SITE AND BOOKMARK IT. YOU'LL NEED IT AND LOVE IT LATER. ASSWABS. Phew, I'm cooled off a little bit now... maybe because of the FUCKING SPRINKLERS that are spraying on all the fucking campus SIDEWALKS. Or maybe it's the shade from the cranes and bulldozers that are constructing our totally awesome new stadium and athletic center in hopes of attracting more than 400 fans to the bleachers to watch our Dukes play boring schools and play even boringer. In the words of Hollywood's biggest star Kevin Costner,"If you build it, they will come." All over your face. My last post I bitched about our new neighbors blasting their bass conveniently when I wanted to snuggle and nap with my teddy bear :). That was just the heat of the moment, and I don't really mean it. Why you ask? Because today when I was buying my hot turkey sandwich at Dukes (which costs 2 dollars more to have it heated), the cashier mentioned he lived in my building to a friend of his that was right behind me. I stated that I lived in J, and we realized that he lives right below me. Crazy as shit... we have never seen them before and here he was charging me 6 bucks for a bagel while I was thinking "Hmm... this must be the culprit." Anyways, he seems cool as fuck and I'm sure we'll see each other some time this weekend where I can blurt out in my drunken stupor how the bassing is driving me insane. I guess it's better to be friends and just casually mention it than to silently put up with it until we snap and bang on the door with tears of rage running down our faces. It would be nice to chill with our neighbors... last year's neighbors only appeared from their dungeons and dragons twice. Once when they complained about our floor/their ceiling collapsing on our January 17th New Year's Eve party. (Yeah, INSANO PARTAYAY!) Second time during finals week when the four of us were sporting headbands and no shirts singing along to Smooth Operator. Golly, THEY WERE GAY! Hmm.. apparently people are requesting that I make smithappens.com shirts, and that's something I'll get to very soon. It's nice to know that people actually buy this crap. YOU GUYS LIKE ME, YOU REALLY LIKE ME. Til then, wear a Peeing Mexicans thong while.. uhh you pee. VULGARITY! It's PLUG TIME! These bastards have requested at least a plug and a link to their sites. And I'm not going to link them if they suck ass, so obviously they are all worth clicking. TRUST ME. moooohaha The Nonporn Links [Mental Ernie - Amusing Part] [Nostaljack] [My Laughing Place] [Tasberry Diary] [Entensity!] [EJB] [Binary Method] The Porn Links [Mental Ernie - Porn Part] [bl0g] [Mad Pleasures] Every so often there comes a moment in my life that excites me a whole lot and makes me temporarily happy before I fall back down into my deep, dark twisted soulless lifestyle. And no, it's not the fact that Mars is the closest it's been to Earth in 60,000 years because all it is a big red blob amongst the white blobs and blobs just don't rank high on my "things I care about" list. (actually it is kinda cool, but I just said it to make this other thing seem more exciting.) What I am talking about folks is the release of DANWHO'S OWN PERSONAL DOMAIN, DANWHO.NET You see, Danwho is not only one of my best friends and the nicest but most belligerent drunk around, but he is also an amazing writer. It's going to put my attempts at journalism to shame. (here is where I need reassurance guys.) But really, I love reading his thoughts in a nongay way on his livejournal. His domain should be up shortly if it isn't up already, but until then you can check out his livejournal here. And while I'm on the topic of real life friends with real life domain names, check out my roommate James' site Canned Jam because he made a whole new layout and it kicks my sites' ass. My good ol' pal Doop has his own domain name at Red Rocket Sauce. Most of his time is really spent as the Web Developer for he and his brothers' kickass comic book company Silent Devil. Well now I will go to shower and head over to my job as Online Editor for the JMU paper The Breeze. Peace out girl scouts. Quote of the Millenia: "I never realized how retarded you are until we started hanging out together all the time." - came out of nowhere from Michael Patrick Keown to the lovely Erin McChesney Walsh. CLICK HERE AND VOTE.

August 25, 2003

I have nothing interesting to say except that I hate whoever invented subwoofers, bass, and asshole neighbors who live and die by the two. I want my old neighbors back, you know the girl who went ballastic and cut her wrists when she got in a fight with her boyfriend. The chick who decided that James had no right to call the police when she was bouncing off the walls. The same girl who called the police on us the next weekend when we had a small gathering of friends to celebrate life. Anybody but these fucks blasting the bassline of Roll Out thirteen hours a day. Time to leave. Check out this flash movie for your entertainment. And go to PeeingMexicans.com to buy your hat and thong. (I've sold 11 items so far. Hop on the back of the Datsun while you still can.) And more links to check out while I get my shit together and update firrilla. Entensity Funny Flashes Enter or die CLICK HERE AND VOTE.

August 19, 2003

Hi. It's guest post time because I've been busy moving in, hanging out, doing nothing...and plus my Peeing Mexicans site is a huge hit and getting swamped with traffic. YAY. BUY A SHIRT. Now it's to the guest. Hey there can I get a what-whats. I'm doing an update for a site I frequent very much. Why? Because it's funny, unlike my site. I'm not even going to bother linking it, but smit might. and if he does, i'll warn you that it sucks and has pop-ups because it's on GASP! tripod since i can't afford a host. HERE IT IS! Who knows. Anyway, for all of you who don't know me my name is Tommy. I don't know smit very well, but I told him a friend of mine goes to JMU so that's about as much as we have in common. I'm from Maryland. I live in Silver Spring right outside of DC so if it gets nuked I get the awesome honor to die instantly. Hooray!!!!!!!!! I'm 19. Now I will say the always-expected "I like long walks on the beach, candle lit dinners, knitting, bondage, anal, death metal karaoke and bukkake films" but I'm not going to say it! Instead I'm going to tell you I'm in AA. Which I'm really not HAHA FOOLED YOU MOTHERBITCHES. I go to school. community college. a nudist community. college. sike again. So the summer is finally coming to an end. And school will begin. and I will be taking my classes like a bad motha. Anyway, on to the main topic of the day: Life! Sometimes it really sucks, you know? But I think there's a company that's not involved in pharmaceuticals that is (I just jumped like a little bitch because a bug flew near me) on the right track. What company would that be? Old Navy. That's right. The biggest generic, every day clothing store. But have you seen their commercials? Good God, if life was like an Old Navy "cargo" commercial, everything would be perfect. Dancing, clothes, crappy music, annoying fake people and that Harry Caray looking lady that's "mad about the fashion." I would put big a hurtin' on that beeeeeeitch. Are you following me? It's true. Life would rule!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Harry Caray: Mad about the fashion. I finally picked up a CD I ordered a couple weeks ago. A band based out of Richmond, Virginia (where smit is from! and where my girlfriend goes to school!) called Denali. It's a girl singer and she has a great voice. rock on, dudes. I am going to link a site that is fairly interesting. Go to it here. or here. HAHAHA THEY'RE THE SAME LINK SILLY!!!!!!!!! Well G2Gs, I gtg. so until next time (which there probably won't be, sillies, it's not my site duh!!!2!3!)... love, peace and cargos!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, and go to the site that rips off of smithappens. CLICK HERE AND VOTE.

August 16, 2003

I'm sure everyone by now has heard about the massive blackout that affected the Northeastern U.S. and Canada. Even though I am in Virginia, I was not spared by the power outage. I guess since I have my own direct power lines connected to my Uncle's powerplant in New York state, there was no way around it. I am unproud to say that my house was the only domicile left powerless in Virginia in connection to the largest blackout in United States history! Which is also why I haven't updated my site. Fuckin heathens. I want to take this time and call your attention to Smithappens.com's FIRST SPONSOR! That's right. The kind fellows over at Hot Shot Tickets.com have teamed up with me to help bring business to their site. It's definitely the best deal on the 'net for all of your professional sports events. Check it out! Johnny Quest thinks I'm selling out. I'M NOT. PeeingMexicans.com has been changed a bit with a new kickass banner. Come on people, go to it and link it on your sites. PLEASE. I've also got two submissions of Peeing Mexicans from viewers, both of them drawn by hand. I'll get to that in a second. The first submission is actually a letter I received in the mail. Yes, real tangible mail with paid postage. From a chick named Leenah in Norway. I have never talked to her before, and I'm kinda freaked that she got my home address. The letter is pretty simple... but with no return address or details of who she is, I started to wonder if she is a stalker. I licked the contents of the envelope hoping to find traces of anthrax. Needless to say, I'm still truckin. She also included a Peeing Mexican drawing. Check it out here. The second entry was from Joe of San Antonio. The drawing was scrawled on what appears to be a paper napkin, and the vivid description takes the cake. Check that out here. Thanks for the drawings. Come on everyone, send in your pics. I'm going to leave you with two more fansigns from BabesandStuff.com. I like getting fansigns. Email me some fansigns! I am going to go now but check out the following sites. They are all supposed to have linked me back, so go to them and find my link. If you don't find it, report it back to me AND NEVER GO TO THAT SITE AGAIN! LinkWhore Maddox Lame Reactor Int3nt We Are Drunks Ojobojo eBaum Mad Pleasures Gen0cide All Views College Shelter Social Bomb Binary Method JmanX CLICK HERE AND VOTE.

August 12, 2003

It's the most wonderful time of the yeaaaar. The Little League World Series is in full swing. There's nothing like watching little twelve year old good ol' American boys from Maine getting their hopes and dreams squandered away by Puerto Ricans with mustaches live on ESPN 2. Now most of the players are about 5 feet tall and under 100 pounds. That is until a 6 foot 185 pound monster representing Massachusetts steps up to the plate. He's towering over the umpire with his head crammed into the batter's helmet and his men's fitted cup protruding from his youth size pants. His stats pop up on screen showing the television audience his .333 batting average and his favorite food, pizza. (Go figure.) Now reaching base on hits a third of at-bats is pretty impressive... for a Major League all-star slugger facing Cy Young award winners. Not fucking facing prepubescent pitchers 90 pounds lighter and a foot shorter. There is no reason why this chump should not be slamming every fastball out of the park. This kid is five pounds heavier than me, and I guarantee I could whoop any single Little Leaguer... take your pick. Any position, any day, any place. I used to play baseball. In my first pitch in my first career at-bat, I crushed the ball deep into the woods in route of a grand slam. Granted I was in third grade with my own coach pitching in a league for autistic children. Still doesn't change the fact I homered 80% of the time I swung the bat. The next year I moved up to kid pitch. I quit after two games because I simply couldn't take the intense vibrations running down the aluminum bat after making contact with the ball in the cold weather. I swung, I vibrated, I cried. Not to mention the pitchers had yet learned the concept of "control" and too often my head was on the receiving end of their 40 mile an hour fastballs. And now it's time for little league jokes!! Joke #1 Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do, son?" he asked. "You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!" "Really? How'd you do that?" "I dropped the ball." Joke #2 As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-baseline, I asked one of the boys what the score was. "We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile. "Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged." "Discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face. "Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet." Joke #3 No wonder kids are so confused these days. I saw a Little Leaguer being told by his coach, "Hold at third," and his mother was yelling, "Come home this instant!" Joke #4 When I was a Little Leaguer I had trouble putting on my helmet because I couldn't get my ears through those little holes. HAHAHAHAHAHA THOSE JOKES WERE THE FUNNIEST JOKES I HAVE EVER HEARD HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Move-in day for college freshmen is creeping up on us. In just a few days, you will be crammed into a shoebox with a complete stranger or somebody you thought you knew from back home. My roommate and I went to the same high school. While not great friends before coming to college, we figured it would be a good idea. Now I am not going to rant about how much he sucks, let's just say that it wasn't nearly what I expected and now we don't even speak. So I hope everyone can at least manage to be civil with their new found live-in buddy. On a serious note, communication is the key to roommate success. And that doesn't mean IMing her/him to pass you the remote for the tv. (Sad, and pathetically true.) If you want me to give me more advice on roommates, tell me in the comments section. But now I will list some ways to annoy your roommate. HAHAHA! Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?" Every time you see your roommate yell, "You jerk" and kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she won't be here much longer." Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here somewhere." Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry. When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and cursing. Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If he/she asks about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners. Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the good old days, when we used to..." and make up stories involving you and your roommate. linktastic PeeingMexicans.com is up, even if it's in a shitty format. Go to it, laugh your cajones off, and send the link to your friends. Two things I consider worth knowing: this and this. London is enduring it's first dog days of summer. What would you do if you had a million dollars? I'll tell you what I'd do man ... two chicks at the same time, man. Geetar face. Screw the RIAA and heil the King of Pop. Still intrigued by Ahhnuld? Me too. Questioning your faith? Click for reassurance. Beat your meatshake. Crazyfuckinfads. Mr. Stabby and the duel. Now I'm a sucker for free shit, as you should be too. Check em and click em. Free DVD, Free CD Rom software, Free vitamins, free download computer virus software, and free business cards. If none of those offers tickle your pickle, just follow the links below and sign up to make money from home. DO IT! Fill in your email address. Get paid to take surveys. Make money from home. And perhaps the most important link ever posted on this crappy site is this one. Why? Because you can win a trip to Cancun. And it's my dad's website. Check out the weight-loss products and the world's only adaptogen. Interested in making LEGIT money on the side? Sign up and be a distributor in the only Multilevel Marketing company in the American Stock Exchange. Trust me, it's the next big thing. Don't want to go to it? Fuck off. BLAHHHH!!! And finally, I'm a WHORE! Before you run, all I ask is that you vote for me by clicking here and here. EVERYDAY! HAHAHAHA. TATA FOR NOW. CLICK HERE AND VOTE.

August 9, 2003

I've been getting a bunch of visits looking for Kobe Bryant's accuser Katelyn Kristine Faber. So I decided to post pictures of her to please everyone. Enjoy. Katelyn Kristine Faber, 19 years old email: fabe5088@blue.unco.edu email2:fabkat_19@hotmail.com Eagle, CO 81631 AIM Screen Name Katie UNCO Go here for more chicks! Before you run, all I ask is that you vote for me by clicking here and here. EVERYDAY! HAHAHAHA. TATA FOR NOW. CLICK HERE AND VOTE.

August 8, 2003

SLUTBAGS! I'm not going to write about the California governor recall baloney because I'm sick of hearing about it. Austrian meathead Arnold Swartasfanaager, vertically challenged Gary Coleman, smut peddler Larry Flint, unfunny noncomedian Gallagher, and an array of other characters are all competing for the seat of governor. I felt that I had to write that little blip just so I could post the picture on the left and this picture and this picture all courtesy of DrunkTV and Roraz. YAY. I watched the Teen Choice awards on FOX on Wedsnesday to see Kobe Bryant accept his award for best male athlete of the year. As soon as his name was announced, the camera zoomed in on his well-choreographed kiss to his wife. He then gave a powerful speech that he didn't even understand. "We are flying through some dark clouds now, and uh, with God's will, the sun will rise again!" YEAH! BLACK POWER! Apparently FOX edited the speech since he made a reference to his sexual assault charges. It's a fucking teen awards show Kobe, not a pity party for sex offenders. Hell, when I was 13 years old I didn't know what a french kiss was, let alone a dirty sanchez. I feel half drunk and floaty from my prescription cough medicine, so I'm going to go straight to the links. LINKARONI!and asscheese. Love playing with your balls? This game's for you. Ever the feel the urge to mangle somebody but worry that you'll get caught and incarcerated and put to death and wonder what your final meal will be? Well this site may provide you with some ideas. Click. One thing I don't like are snakes. Another thing I don't like are things that bite. Funny thing is that I love snake bites. ***GROSS*** Ever been tricked into clicking this ****DON'T CLICK**** disgusting link known as goatse? And then you feel as if you have to pass it on to your 8 year old cousin? Well turns out she can't get the horrid image out of her head so she drew ***NOT GROSS*** it. Enter. And finally, if you like sex on the beach, why not try sex in a park? Go to the following sites for some good reads: A cool chick with a website makes her a kool chick. Kzug. A family full of bastards. Always updated and always hilarious. Bastard Family. And finally, a site that I stumbled across and fell in love with. Nice appealing layout and the content had me rolling on the floor laughing out loud my ass off oh my god. (ROFLOLMAOMG). Lame Reactor. Before you run, all I ask is that you vote for me by clicking here and here. EVERYDAY! HAHAHAHA. TATA FOR NOW. CLICK HERE AND VOTE.

August 6, 2003

SoulSeek is the Allah of all peer2peer filesharing programs. Napster in its adolescent zit faced raging hormone prime time couldn't hold a flame to the power of SoulSeek. KaZaa, Morpheus, Limewire... nicka PAAAHLEESE. NUMERO UNO! I downloaded the entire Saves the Day album - In Reverie - that is not scheduled to appear in stores until September 16. Yup, and because I love you... I'm going to post a song as a teaser. It's the single that will be on the radio waves in the near future so please don't arrest me Mr. RIAA. I <3 U. So here you go, check out Anywhere With You. Personally, I think the song sounds a lot like Weezer... which isn't a good thing. Check it out and let me know what you think. If you want the rest of the songs, download SoulSeek and get it yourself because I deleted all the songs off of my hard drive after 24 hours. ;). Check out my guestbook since apparently I've got a bunch of haters on my hands. My favorite is from John who writes "The Mexican page makes no sense. You spent all day perfecting that one picture and it still turned out like that? Sad, very sad." HOW DARE YOU CRITICIZE MY ARTISTIC ABILITIES! You're only adding fuel to the fire, Johnny Boy, because I just got the domain PeeingMexicans.com and it's going to take over the world! Thanks pal. Hmm, if you have been paying any attention to FOX at all recently you would know that Kobe Bryant is going to be on the FOX Teen Choice Awards tonight. He attended with his wife to receive the award for best male athlete. Now I'm a big fan of Kobe's athletic accomplishments, but to only show him in the commercial for a TEEN awards show is somewhat sketchy and leaves me with a foul taste in my mouth. America's youth are celebrating sex fiends. Let's hear some Kobe jokes!! Q: How many Kobes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Kobes screw in top dollar Colorado resorts, not lightbulbs! Q: What do you get if you cross Kobe and Bill Clinton? A: Kobe. Q: What's the new Sprite slogan? A: Be like Kobe! Drill One, then Swill One. Q: Why does Kobe have for Thanksgiving? A: Same as always, a little white meat on the side. Q: What's the new ad on to Nintendo64's 'KOBE BRYANT NBA COURTSIDE'? A: KOBE BRYANT BEDSIDE Q: Why did Kobe cross the road? A: To sexually assault the white teenager from the other side. Q: What's a foot long and forces its way into teenagers? A: HEY! HEY! It was consensual! I love my wife! Q: What’s Kobe’s best move on the court? A: Going strong to the hole. What might Kobe hear when he’s in prison? I’ll show you good ball handling skills. Do you have a rectum that fits this? (The following jokes were told by Jay Leno on his NBC show): Things are looking a little better for Kobe Bryant. Apparently, all of the evidence is based on a report from the CIA. Kobe Bryant admitted he was guilty of adultery and adultery only. And that it was between him and his wife and God. Otherwise known as the Clinton defense... Let me ask you a question. Who do you think is going to have more rings at the end of the season - Kobe or his wife? The newest Laker, Karl Malone, said he joined the Lakers because he wanted to get a ring. So I guess he’s hoping that Kobe cheats on him too. The heat is back! What was it, 92 in the Valley? It was so hot today Kobe Bryant bought his wife a $4 million air conditioner. (The following jokes were told by David Letterman on his CBS show): Kobe Bryant bought his wife a $4 million purple diamond ring over the weekend. She was so thrilled about it that she can’t wait for him to have another affair so she can get the matching necklace. Yes, I know a bunch of them were lame but so is your family dog. STOP! LINK TIME! (like hammer time, but not as awesome.) Yeah, I wouldn't mind nailing this chick either. Friends is a great show and all, but this is sure to be a hit. I never liked Jennifer Lopez and I'm glad that her movie bombed, but it doesn't mean she has to take it out on my fellow male Ben. SLUT. I don't know why I even linked this. But I do know why I linked this and this and this and this. AHHHH MY RETINA!! Check out celebrity tongues and bra sizes and even celebrities made out of ASCII. OH BOY!! Erik, the little bitch over at Cup o' Goodness IMed me when I was writing this update to send a link over to Dark Mounty. Lucky for EJ that I remembered to take my anti-hate medicine and that the site isn't too shabby. Also, go to ENForums.org if you want to join a forum with with webmasters of sites similar to but not quite as good as mine. YIP. Before you run, all I ask is that you vote for me by clicking here and here. EVERYDAY! HAHAHAHA. TATA FOR NOW. CLICK HERE AND VOTE.

August 4, 2003

Ahh... the dog days of summer. August is here and pretty soon everyone will be heading back to school. Only this time, I will have been smoke-free for an entire year. Yeah, that's right I used to inhale cancer with the best of them. Then I finally decided to kick the habit since I enjoy breathing and not reaking of shit. Here's a brief history of my smoking life. I picked up my first cigarette when I was probably 3 or 4 years old, but my mom said "Drop that shit now, or I will stuff your mouth with your rectal thermometer." I stopped, dropped, and rolled that cig out of my sight. Sophomore year of high school came around and the addiction kicked in. I thought it was the nicotine or perhaps the other carcinogens in the smoke that kept me hooked, but apparently it was the oral fixation or the desire to look "badass" or "hardcore" or "hardcore badass" since I didn't learn how to inhale until Bahrando taught me. THANKS B!@#!!! (there's your shoutout, hoped you liked it.) Now that I know how to inhale, it's easy to pick out people who are just smoking and not inhaling but believe that they are. YEAH THAT'S RIGHT, I KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Throughout high school, I would smoke during lunch breaks and after school to "deal with all the stresses of high school." YAYA! sisterhood. I went from smoking about a pack a week until last summer when I fumigated Philip Morris tobacco warehouses. Now it was easy to smoke more than a pack a day due to working 60 hours a week with a crew of 40 tumor addicts. Even though I was aware of all the dead animals, bugs, toxic fumigating chemicals, bird droppings, and even human urine that is exposed to the bales of tobacco, (and never cleaned after that, might I add.) I continued to puff away. GUNG HO! I got to school on August 16 with half a pack of Marlboro Milds and had to finish them. I took my last drag on August 21st, 2002 and never looked back. WHORE! So that is my history of smoking. Now that I've been on both sides of the fence, I am perfectly eligible to state how smoking is a waste of time, money, and lung capacity. Check it: A pack of Marlboros, Camels, or any other top brand (trust me there's a difference between cheap, shitty tobacco and "premium" brands. And that difference is the amount of bird diarrhea and rat semen you are inhaling.) typically costs around 3 bucks a pack here in the great Commonwealth of Virginia. That's easily 20 bucks a week for any of you real smokers. 20 bucks you could send to me. Move up north and pay 30-40 bucks a week. Smoker's breath is disgusting. Girls are not attractive with a cigarette in their mouth, no matter what motions they use. Phlegm and excess body hair is attractive, but that's not the point. It reaks and it is gross. Being able to breathe when running is quite possibly the greatest high in the world. HAHAHA riiight, but hey it's up there. You never have to worry about bumming a smoke from somebody else, or bumming out cigs to the wigger in the corner. I don't care how smoking may help your social life, because it's really helping your social death! HAHAH. GET IT!?! I don't even need to go into how bad smoking is for your health. None of you will listen since you are all invincible. No really you are, pull that trigger. Waaaah, I'm so stressed out I need a cigarette. Cry me a river because you have no backbone. Hey noodlespine, eat shit and die! The patch, gum, and other methods of "quitting smoking" is a multi-billion dollar industry which feeds off a bunch of lowlife scum who have no will power to quit. Quitting cold turkey is the way to go, and after the first week... you should be in the clear. If you still can't kick the habit, kick the bucket. There you have it. Smoke free is the way to be! And yes, I am speaking in a condescending manner and yes, I AM BETTER THAN YOU. SMOKERS ARE LOSERS. Now it is time to hand the spotlight over to my good ol' pal Mike. Here take the spotlight, Mike. He sent me pictures of his family vacation for his dad's 51st birthday playing rugby. Girls love boys who love their mothers. OOOH YEAH. Mike and Mike's Brother are diehard Yankee fans. Uh oh, it's a crazy spic and his bobblehead doll. Roger Clemens and some other pitcher guy warming up only to get peed on. Now it's back to the car to snap pictures that are better than the one James took. And to end it all with a bang, Mike's Brother is a ghost! Great fucking story, eh? Like the pictures, and now you want videos you say? Well check out Mike jumping off a cliff and Timmy videotaping girls' booties. WOot!!! Let's break for some premium jokes courtesy of Dave: Q: How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ear pierced? A: A Buck-an-ear!!!!!! Q: Why don't crabs share? A: They are shellfish!!! Q: Why shouldn't you play poker in the jungle? A: Too many damn cheetahs! Q: What does a 500 pound canary say? A: CHIRP!!!!!! Q: What has a head like a cat, a tail like a cat, a body like a cat but it's not a cat? A: A kitten. Q: How do you know you are at a gay picnic? A: All the hot dogs taste like shit. Annnnnnd now, let's hit up some links. Go here if you are a woman, or a homosexual male. Who won the Brickyard 400 this weekend? WHO CARES. HAHAHA. It's definitely not Gaytona, that's for sure. Ahhhh two gay references in a row, that's too many! I hope this makes up for it. This video is absolutely crazy. This one is absolutely disgusting. Check out this pic and feel free to make any sexual innuendos about how she can't handle my mammoth python in the comments section below. Epeleptic? Don't worry, this site claims to cure it. Iseebaldpeople.com. 2nd biggest waste of a domain name ever! (1ST biggest waste is eHacked.com) This kid will kick your ass. Thinking about making money? Did you know that the adult website business is the number one lucrative industry on the Internet? Want the secrets? Get rich with an adult website - Secrets revealed! Afghan chicks start a band. HOT!! Is your child stillborn? Paint his face! 10 things you didn't know last week. Fucking crazy picture of an atomic bomb. Yummmmmmy and yummier. Well well well, I moved around my links section a bit. I took down the buttons because buttons suck, and edited my favorites so that now my favorites really are my favorites. I go to them all at least once a day, and the others every so often. I added Orsm, Canorous, and Retarded Fun to my favorites. Check them all out. And if you want to swap links, or plugs with me, shoot me an email. Before you run, all I ask is that you vote for me by clicking here and here. EVERYDAY! HAHAHAHA. TATA FOR NOW. CLICK HERE AND VOTE.

August 2, 2003

I have a mullet. Insert "Business in the front, party in the back!" comment here. Point and laugh with your friends when you see me at Wal-Mart shopping for camoflauge and NASCAR paraphanelia. Poke fun at how the hairstyle is soooo 1985, and get back to your bleached, highlighted, gelled-up totally awesome cylindrical, keratinized, pigmented filaments sprouting out from your scalp. What I'm getting at is... mullet jokes are overrated, never not unfunny, tacky, cliche, and beaten to death FUBAR style. I thought the fad of "mullet hunting" had long ago passed, but it seems everyday I see some chunky kid wearing a "FEAR THE MULLET" shirt his fat mom bought from Kohl's or a bumper sticker that says "HONK IF YOU LOVE MULLETS." Seriously people, find something else to make "cool" to "make fun of." Sure the 'do came straight out of the eighties, but big fucking deal. It isn't funny, never was funny, and never will be funny. I will eat your babies. It's time to put this mullet mania to rest. Check out some random sites: A polar bear with a skin condition in Argentina is turned purple due to the medicine. I told my nephew the bear ate Barney. Now I'm grounded. Watch this news clip of a bombing plot in Washington. If you are a user of LSD, drop some tabs and watch this. If you believe LSD isn't for you, now's the time to start. This man thinks it's a big deal to fly across the English Channel. Shit I've flown to Miami. Party in the smitty where the heat is on. Thinking about killing yourself? Make sure you succeed. Go here to masticate. I like milk, he lieks milk. Aww poor Fred Durst and his nontalents get booed off stage. FAGS. That's enough of the random bullshit, let's talk about ME. My American Juniors analysis from two updates ago got some fans a little angry. Check out my guestbook for a few comments, but most importantly check out this forum and this forum. I am considering taking their advice and "getting a life" by making elaborate graphics of the contestants and posting thousands of times within a month's time. If you want some more similar reading material, check out the comments section on my Anti Haley Joel Osment site. Bunch of fucknuts. Annnd finally, I want all of you to go to the following sites: The Chokey Chicken Canorous BabesandStuff.com (even though the girl isn't even looking at me. she hates me.) CLICK HERE AND VOTE.

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