An Epidemic: Post Graduation Stress Disorder

It's only been ten days since I walked across the stage to accept that scroll which turned out to be not a diploma but a kind letter demanding donations to the university from this fresh batch of alumni. This faux degree led me into a downward spiral that many may never escape from: Post Graduation Stress Disorder.

There are many symptoms of PGSD and they are prevalent in everyone who has ever graduated from any sort of academic institution, whether it be a distinguished college or the boarding school your parents shipped you away to because the condom broke and they never wanted you in the first place. The fear of the unknown is definitely the most common phobia that plagues us weakly mortals. Oh, shut up, I dare you to challenge me to what you think the most common phobia is. Ohhhh, arachnophobia- the fear of spiders- has surely got this fear of the unknown beat hands down. No fuckface, the reason you’re so afraid of spiders is because you never know when the spider is going to hump your face or patiently wait in your bed sheets and crawl into your mouth as you are sleeping. Social phobia, oh no, you are so afraid of your peers evaluating you negatively in a social situation. No fuckbag, it’s the fear of not knowing WHEN (not if) they are going to humiliate you and your immediate family in public. Claustrophobia? Is this some sort of joke? I will find you and cram you into the trunk of my neighbor’s car and not tell you when I am going to push it into the city reservoir.

Now that we have that all cleared up, the primary cause of PGSD is the aforementioned phobia of the unknown. We do not have any structure laid out before us and we’re now on our own to take control of our own futures. I can break down a few elements that are already evident in the lives of the postgraduate.

1. The Job Search- this is the most obvi and I’m not going into it.

2. New Email Accounts- this is the inspiration for this update. Now that our college is done with us and canceling our school issued email accounts, today's graduate is scrambling to register a professional sounding name to blend in with the rest of the workforce drones with one of the popular free services such as Yahoo, Hotmail, but not really, only Gmail. Now, now I understand that Google is a powerful and innovative company poised to take over the world, and Gmail is only one of their many services that are far superior to their competitors' but this obsession in obtaining an invite and creating this new online identity with only this service is beyond me. In fact, according to this website, GoogleMail is way too creepy for any rational person to use. What’s wrong with Yahoo! or Hotmail or heck, Smithappens.com addresses… I have unlimited accounts to give away. If you want one, you may reach me at patrickjosephsmith@gmail.com and I am dead serious that's me.




3. Where to Live- It's always been a joke about going home and living with parents after graduation. If I had it my way, I would never leave this chair and live in my mother's basement for the rest of my life. The problem is she doesn't have a basement. So eventually I will have to move out, but for the time being, I am perfectly content on sitting in this chair and not paying for rent or food. My mother tells me to write a grocery list for her every Saturday morning for anything that I will need for the week since I am confined to this chair, and I did exactly that this past weekend. After crumbling my antiperspirant all over the floor and cursing all things holy, I jotted down “Right Guard Solid” on the list thinking my underarms would be aromatic and dry later that day. However, my mother misinterpreted my college level script as “Right Good Salad” and proceeded to pick up all types of delightful greens and apples and oranges and strawberries and nuts and dressings to make me a week worth of delicious salads. So here I am reaping the benefits of this fortunate mistake chomping down on these scrumptious leaves and fruits and enjoying life. My two shirts are soaked through in the pits and I reek of sweaty underarm gym socks.

4. Facebook Status- You Gdamn better believe that you are no longer a student and you better make sure you proclaim your new 'Alum' status, but you probably already did that when you updated your contact info with your new firstnamemiddleinitiallastname Gmail account.




5. Acting like a NonStudent- No longer can you go to bars to meet other college coeds and discuss your majors and take bodyshots off each other. Now you are a graduate and you are supposed to discuss mature things, such as the fact you live with your parents and you are a honky ethnic food delivery boy. You cannot buy a girl a pint of Natural Lite and expect to get blown in the bathroom stall. Actually, any girl who would do such a heinous act obviously would take down anything you put to her lips, whether it is an MGD or STD. I do not think I will ever get out of the immature/humorous/easygoing/pathetically desperate mentality that I’ve maintained throughout my life, and I do not plan on ever maturing.

Now that I have correctly identified these five early detection signs of PGSD, the road to curedom is to accept you have these problems, tackle them one by one, and move onto the real stresses of the real world such as insurance bills, mortgages, car payments, and infant crib death.

Godspeed Grads, I will keep you posted with my progress in never growing up.

Posted by Smit at 11:34 PM

BREAKING NEWS: Britney is Trash

I am sitting here on the recliner that I hardly ever get up from and I am watching the premiere of Britney Spears' new reality television show "Britney and Kevin: Chaotic" on UPN. What makes this series different from Nick and Jessica's "Newlyweds" or Travis Barker's "Meet the Barkers" or a three-day-old bottle of stale urine? I would not mind watching those shows on marathon and dumping the bottle on my head if I had the option of pulling this show off the air.

The purpose of this show is for the Federlines to dispell all those controversial rumors that those tabloids and the paparazzi have been spreading to the American public. Now we the people have the opportunity to get up close and personal to this "A-List" couple to find out the real truth for ourselves. Well I, as a person, have taken upon myself to draw my own conclusion about what I think about this couple.

Britney Spears Federline slutbag is a whore. This pisspoor attempt at riding in on the coattails of the couple reality television mania relies on sex, sex, cigarettes, and more sex. I don't remember how many times she asks her friends on camera what their favorite sex positions were, tells her best friend she needs to get laid, mentions that she wants to just stay in the hotel room and **** all day(I put the ****'s in place of "fuck" or "doit" because that's what it said on the show), and proudly proclaims on screen that she had sex three times that day. All this trash crammed into 48 minutes of television on a basic cable channel during the prime time hour of 9 pm. I imagine that UPN will be getting a lot of calls from angry drunken parents in the coming hours.

I signed up for the Meet the Federlines sweepstakes on the UPN website, I sure hope I win. Now, now I have to go as my laptop is making my inner thighs sweat all over my chair.

Posted by Smit at 09:01 PM

Smitty McSmitterson, College Grad

Welp, I'm all done and graduated from James Madison University. Now you can call me Dr. Smitty Smith, Bachelor of Science. I got a degree in Media Arts and Design with a minor in Technical and Scientific Communication, all of which means nothing to you unless you want to pay me for something that requires a four-year degree to cover your business' ass. What's next for the smitman? I've inherited four years of student loans and my own health insurance policy since my father's plan dropped me as soon as I was no longer a student. Not to mention the monthly car payments and alimony and child support that's been sucking my bank account dry.

Now some of my friends already begun their forty years of slavery respectable real world careers and others are continuing their academic careers with grad schools in the fall, but a privileged select few haven't got a fucking clue what they're doing and it's these people that give me the willpower to go on because I never want to be that low on the ladder of scum. I do have a pretty good idea of what I will be doing, that is, after an entire summer of relaxtion. Seventeen years of back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to- back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to- back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back schooling takes a lot out of a strong, burly man and this is my way of rewarding myself for all that hard work and napping.

Come August, my future should be a lot clearer with the plans all mapped out for the secret endeavors that I am going to take on. But for now, I will leave you in suspense and disgust with a tiny ass gallery of graduation pictures and the raw egg eating challenge that I passed and Amanda attempted four times, puked four times, and had a little salmonella scare, and finally Ryan Perry sleeping in my bed.

Posted by Smit at 11:36 AM

A True American Hero: Nicholas Cain Kirven

I just wanted to take the time to acknowledge the amazing life of the brother of our friend Pride. United States Marine Nicholas Cain Kirven was killed on Sunday, May 8 in the mountains of Afghanistan fighting for what he truly believed in, the freedom of our great nation. His selfless devotion to his country is one that is undoubtedly the most honorable and heroic quality that anybody could ever have. I was fortunate enough to meet him last semester as he came to visit Pride. While our encounter was brief, it was obvious that he was an amazing person who had nothing but love for his sister and everyone around him. Below is a photograph that captures his courageous commitment to serving his country.



Click to visit Nick's Photo Page

Posted by Smit at 09:52 PM

Nooooooooooooo!

My academic career is winding down as graduation is rapidly approaching this Saturday. It's starting to sink in that pounding beers to the point of unconciousness will no longer be viewed as "awe-some" or "flipping sweet" but rather frowned upon as alcoholism and smelly. Oh and not living within stumbling distance of your closest 30 friends anymore is what I'm going to miss most.

A lot of people think that I wrote this, a letter to graduating seniors written by Burns aka DMB. I've gotten several compliments at bars and over IM's about how sweet it is, and I try to explain that I didn't write it but they tell me to stop being so modest and I smile and nod. Clearly I wrote it because clearly I am a graduating senior writing to all my fellow graduating seniors clearly stating that I'm going to miss you when you go off into the real world and I'm luckily still in college clearly. Gotta give credit to where credit is long overdue. As DMB himself says, Life is short but sweet for certain.

Everyone asks if this website will die after college and I let them wait a month to hear a response. I don't plan on ever giving this up. The direction in which I take it will likely be different. OBVI. As I might not be only updating with drunken photo galleries unless I am lucky enough to be that creepy townie at the bar macking hot college freshmen AND taking their pictures. I've got big plans for the decades to come, sit tight girlfriend.

Speaking of drunken photo galleries, here's the end of my pictures of college until this weekend. It consists of Alumni Weekend, Senior Week, Danwho's 21st, and Foxfield Races.

RP of GorillaMask.net is coming to visit me, Danwho, James, and anyone else who likes to meet people in real life from the internet. He's flying in from Arizona tomorrow and staying until Monday. I told him that there will be lots of beer and fun. What I didn't tell him is that there is no beer and no fun.

I have to go study for my only exam and then I am done with education forever. Today marks the peak of my intelligence as I never have to learn anything for the rest of my life. Slowly I will get dumb and dumber and dumbest! Oh my god that was so dumb!

Posted by Smit at 06:53 PM