I am a gigantic baby

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Originally I was planning on heading out to Los Angeles next week to meet up with Allie and Lauren, but I never booked my ticket due to the fact I procrastinate and now ticket prices are through the roof. But the reason I didn't book a flight immediately upon getting my invitation for a free stay in Southern Cali is honestly... I am afraid of flying. There, I said it.

I have flown before, from Dulles to Miami on a 757 commercial airliner and Miami to the Bahamas on a 6 person propeller piece of shit, and then back. A total of 4 times in the air in my entire life. All 4 times without incident and gave me the opportunity for quite an amazing experience.

However, the mere thought of flying makes me all anxious and sweaty. I really have no idea what it is. All of my friends have flown all over the world and have shared great stories of their successful trips. I really do want to travel to Europe, Australia, and Arizona before I settle down and take care of my illegitimate children. But that would require me to man up and hop on a plane. That or take really long boat trips.

Even though there's more of a chance of dying via a donkey than in a commericial airline crash, I still am afraid. Belligerent burros are on the upswing this quarter. I'm not afraid of terrorists. I'm not really afraid of death, it's inevitable for everyone and everyone you know, but something about flying really gets to me. It's definitely my number 1 fear. A true genuine fear. There's the saying "Ships are safe in the harbor, but that's not what ships are meant for." Which translates into I have to grow balls out of my sandy vagina sooner or later. I really would like to catch a ride on one of those ships.

Anyways, I'm sure I'll come around in due time, most likely with the help of four Valiums, but I'll fly one day. Since I will likely own my own private jet by the time I'm 22. Shit, that's less than 2 months.

Since I'm an idiot and passed up on the LA trip, I might head up to NYC with MPK and co. to see JMU's own Piano Man Ross Copperman rock the Village on Monday night. And then head up to the Rochester/Buffalo area the following week to meet up with some relatives. OWW OWW. Then come back and start up school again.

NEW FANSIGNS! This time from Julie of SeeJulie.com.

Click here to see all the entire photo shoot of her and an URL that looks similar to mine, but not exactly. I don't know how many times my site has been labeled as "SMITH HAPPENS" on other websites, and I really don't understand how this happens. Clearly the name of this site is a play on the phrase "SHIT HAPPENS" but instead of "SHIT" I substituted my nickname "SMIT" for this name so that it rhymes with the original phrase. However, some people think it's SMITH HAPPENS. That doesn't rhyme nor does anybody EVER call me just "SMITH". Now, I'm not going to bite the hands that feed me, and I will take any links and fansigns I can get for the fact I am a filthy whore. Just stating a point.

SUBsMITTED LINKS! Click to submit!

How much is inside an Oreo? Ink Cartridge? Keg? | Proof that any punk rock song can be written in 30 seconds | Hilarious Flash cartoons with a Princess | Joe Cartoon to lower your IQ | Weight Watchers cards from 1974 | Keep your Jesus off my penis | Porn star or My Little Pony? | Evernet for free kittens! | Paris and Nick break up, world doesn't care | The Hangover Cafe | The Satire Awards! | Southern Fried for some crazy weird shit

I am going to see The Village tonight.

Posted by Smit at 04:34 PM


NFL running back Ricky Williams dropped a bombshell on the sports world this past Friday with his decision to retire from the league at the age of 27. After only playing 5 seasons as a pro, he up and left the Miami Dolphins one week before training camp and purchased a one-way ticket to destination unknown. People have been speculating where this wackjob might have gone, with guesses such as Asia, Europe, Australia, or absolutely insane. But all these assumptions are way off, as I have found Ricky Williams.


Posted by Smit at 04:21 PM

Links, Chicks, & other MINDLESS BULLSHIT!


I just got home from running 1.5 miles and walking 1.5 miles with Jeanicus, all the while coughing up phlegm and smegma from not excercising cardiovascularly in months. I hit up the gym almost every day but only to lift weights and stare in the mirror. What a great way to start the day, I'm sweating and sticking to my new leather chair so I figure it's update time!

Click to enter the MBS FORUMS!

First off, I have to plug our new forums. ("Our" meaning a conglomerate of five-star high class aristocratic "E/N" (and even though I hate the word) "Blog" websites coming together in one community to discuss the amazing achievements of such quality webmasters and their loyal fans.) I post there as well as the webmasters of your favorite sites: GorillaMask, Nerdy South, Super Smithers, Chehalis, Drunk Report, Chokey Chicken, Dark Mounty, anf I forget what other sites so click here for the list. One of the primary reasons I welcome this forum and encourage you to join is because I am now disabling my comments feature. Considering my comments have gone to shit and provide a playground for spammers while all my oldtime visitors have stopped commenting or just up and left for good, I figured I better save face and get rid of them.


Paris Hilton and her beau Backstreet Boy Nick Carter have decided to call it quits. She apparently made the decision to concentrate on her work, gearing up for yet a third season of "The Simple Life" while Nick is ready to get back into the studio to record a new Backstreet Boys album. There's two promising careers for ya right there. Oh, good thing tattoos of lover's names on your ass are permanent. Related news, Paris donates money generated from her sex tape to charity. By golly, she's on pace to be the next Mother Teresa.


One of the perks of running a website is that the chicks flock to your side at the snap of your fingers or should I say the click of your mouse LOL. They come from all walks of life, including white trash trailer sluts who scribble your URL on their chests. It makes my life worth living knowing that I have changed the life of so many people in so many meaningful ways. Check out the site overchere! If you want to send me fansigns like these and this one and this one, and please do, email me chumps.


I still have the SUBsMIT Links page up and roaring ready to go, but apparently a fella named Brock is the only one who takes advantage of it and links a lot of pages on the same site. I'm not complaining because they are top quality, but all you idiots who aren't submitting are REALLY MISSING OUT. IDIOTS.

Hot Chicks Pics

100% Free Paris Hilton, Cameron Diaz, and other Celebrity Movies! | Jessica Simpson Upskirt Pictures! | Anna Kournikova See Through Bikini shots! (AUTHENTIC LIKE ENRIQUE'S MOLE) | Britney Spears cellulite is so so fine | As the World Turns, Lindsay Lohan is still hot | Michelle Trachtenberg flashing on EuroTrip|

Random Newstories and Games

Man breaks into Art Gallery, gets stuck, calls cops for help | Inmates escape, buy beer, return to jail | Nude man covered in nacho cheese | Buzz Aldrin punches out moon landing conspiracist | Half naked man arrested driving with kiddy porn | Man swallows 50,000 dollars in cash | Fun curve ball game | Badger, Badger, it's a snake!

Out like degout.

Posted by Smit at 10:55 AM

Aunt Deb, can I play too? NJ RECAP


Photograph provided by DirtyDalerz.com

A week ago today, Ryan and I embarked on our journey up to the armpit of our nation, New Jersey. 4 hours into the trip, we made a wrong turn and ventured into unexplored territory aka "The Ghetto" to us whitefolk where we proceeded to roll up our windows, lock our doors, turn down my LL Cool J, lower my Confederate flag, and stare straight ahead. Ryan somehow broke our code of whiteness and look over at a pitch black abandoned building only to be scared shitless by a man leaning against the doorframe and staring at us. Chills ran down my spine as my chili dog trickled down my chin into my lap, mixing with the contents of my emptied colostomy bag. We had to get the hell out of there, and quick.

Soon we were back on track, and the Atlantic City casino and hotels nightsky was visible across the bay as Ryan exclaimed "Now that's what I like to see, those lights BABY!" Immediately, I checked my rear view mirror to find the flashing lights and spotlight of a state trooper right on my ass and thought "Man, Ryan is one sick fuck and also a jerk." I moved over to the right lane and started slowing down to be pulled over, but the cop flew by me and screamed on his intercom "PASSING LANE!" I was relieved not to be pulled over, but absolutely humiliated, ashamed, embarrassed, mortified, bemeaned, degraded, and on top of all that, felt like a sheep because this cop announced to the whole world that I am a hairy asshole.


After driving down Pacific Avenue past the crackheads and headforcrack prostitutes, we made it to the Trump Taj Mahal to see Tori and Joy and stay for free as "fake" interns. Being pretty tired and soiled, we took it easy that night and hit up the Irish Pub for a few drinks before heading to bed.

Friday morning, Ryan and I went to all the casinos along the strip to play some roulette and score some free alcholic beverages. We both came on top by the afternoon, Ryan by over 100 and yours truly by about 40. That evening, an entire entourage from The Block at JMU came down and met us for wild times. I don't remember a whole lot but I know that Mike, Ed, and I stayed up until 7 am gambling and sipping on Long Island Iced Teas, while Wodsy and Shaun found the casino bars at 4:30 in the morning.

We braved the early morning sun to head back to our respective hotels, when I was harrassed by a crackhead to help me put on his shirt. I ignored him at first but he kept persisting to the point where I blew up at him "FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE" and pushed him down. Turns out this dude was an undercover cop looking for rageaholics who had too much alcohol combined with too much money lost in the casinos. He slapped the cuffs on me and drove me down the AC jail where I was booked and incarcerated for a few hours.

Saturday, Mike, Shaun, Angel, Ed, Macaroni and Steve, Wodsy, Luis, Jess, and I all went up to Scully's to stay for the evening at her place on Long Beach Island. This perhaps was the craziest night of the trip, with so many stories to tell that will last for the ages. For a quick summary: While Scully was at work, we all hit up the local tavern to drink some 5 dollar buckets of Corona and proceed to get shitfaced while Macaroni & Steve hit on every woman over the age of 50 and 150 pounds. As soon as Scully got off work, she met us at the bar to be greeted by all out "HEATHER SCULLY" chants which got progressively louder as she screamed at us to stop. She was in the bar less than 10 seconds before rushing out, only never to be heard from again. I played "Ironic" by Alanis Morrissette on the jukebox, much to the dismay of all the patrons in the bar, and I almost got my head bashed in but luckily, we got the hell out of there, and quick.

We went to another bar where a classic rock cover band played 4 sets, and apparently I was really digging them. I kept screaming at the chick lead singer to play "Free Bird" so many times that she announced that I am no longer allowed to request they play that. After drinking way too many Miller Lite's and minderasers (thanks Scully's friend Ashley), I left the building to go back to Scully's. Mike and Angel remained and later told me that the lead singer said "Oh no, what are we going to do without our dancing man," after I had left.

Eventually we all made it home and passed out, the majority sleeping indoors while I slept in the back of my Rodeo. Apparently, some of my friends were worried that I was going to die from suffocation from sleeping in the car, but Shaun put them in their place by explaining that "Dude, he's just sleeping in his car." He then proceeded to stab them and spit in their faces and yell "swiss cheese."

After spending the weekend at LBI with the Scully and Keown families, I rode back to AC to pick up Ryan to come back to Virginia. But we wouldn't leave before I dropped another 180 bucks on roulette in less than an hour. I bet one single 100 dollar chip on black. It landed on red. All in all, over 400 dollars in the hole. The sign of a great trip.

I've written a lot on this, most of which can only be appreciated by those in attendance, and I didn't even do them justice by my recollection of the amazing events of the Jersey trip, you'll just have to listen to Michael Patrick Keown tell the stories in real life. So all you Internet freakos, you're just going to have to come find us and hang out with us. Check out Luis' webshots for Jersey Shore pictures

That part about me going to jail, I realize now that was all just a drunken hallucination combined with creative genius, a splash of white lie, and a side of bullshit . YOU WANKERS!

Posted by Smit at 01:31 PM | Comments (1)

Hey bitches, I'M BACK!

Ryan and I returned from Dirty JerZ late last night so I just wanted to take this time to inform you that I'm BACK BITCHES!! I'll write more later about how I lost 400 bucks and spent a night in jail.


Posted by Smit at 03:30 PM | Comments (1)

I'm so money and I don't even know it!


Well I'm off to Atlantic City and the Jersey shore in about an hour, and I haven't even packed!!! Ryan and I are heading out for our 6 hour drive to stay at the Taj Mahal for free with Tori and Joy and all the other Trump interns. I'm probably going to get hired as his next apprentice so don't be upset if you don't hear from me for awhile. Or I might just have gotten stabbed in the neck after flashing my multiple thousands of dollars in winnings on the slots in front of my bums when I'm wandering away from the casinos in a drunken stupor.

This will be my third time visiting a casino and gambling real money. The first time being in the Bahamas when I was 16 and I lost 50 bucks at the Blackjack table, while my girlfriend at the time walked away with 120 dollars from quarter slots. Needless to say we broke up shortly thereafter.

This past Spring Break in Miami, we took a sketchy gambling cruise out into international waters where I scored 50 bucks on the BJ table, so we're in the clear. Until this weekend when I walk to the roulette table, place 500 bucks on number 13, lose all my money, steal everyone else's chips and get away scott free. SHUT UP.

I'll be back on Sunday or Monday or something with some pictures hopefully considering I broke my camera.

Posted by Smit at 02:46 PM | Comments (4)



I just finished watching the Major League Baseball All-Star game, and much to my dismay, the American league prevailed once again. Something about those damn Americans really gets under my skin. Boxing and humanitarian great Muhammad Ali braved his battle with Parkinson's disease to toss out the ceremonial first pitch. While this was quite a sight and uplifting to even the lowest lowlifes still managing to live among us, he may have gotten in over his head with his awkward convulsive punches and jabs into the air on the way to the mound.

After two kids from the Boys & Girls club actually threw out the pitches and blew their only chances of tasting success in their lives, Ali posed with the Major League All-Stars for photographs. And then New York Yankee All-Star Derek Jeter took the opportunity to acknowledge Ali's presence by use of friendly gestures, while the G.O.A.T. (Ali) decided once again to demonstrate his ability to beat his crippling disease by taking swings at Jeter. Sure, it's all fun and games, and this event was just something for the fans, it's all about entertainment nowadays, who cares if some walking skeleton is threatening your very own existence and dignity with uncontrolled sucker punches as long as the fans dig it. ERR WRONG.

While Ali is the extremely arrogant self proclaimed Greatest Of All Time, and not many people will doubt his stellar career, he's a man past his prime and worthy of one giant asswhooping a la Derek Jeter. I'm sure I wasn't the only one who wished Jeter would just sock him over the head. So I went ahead and obtained this uncut footage of what should have happened.

Posted by Smit at 02:14 AM | Comments (2)

MLB HR DERBY PREDICTION: Beroids charges mound after not being pitched to


So last night I bumped into my desk, knocking my 13 inch TV/VCR combo straight onto my head and sending my digital camera, which I was planning to take a new SmitCam picture with, onto the floor. Now all I get is a blank screen with the error code E18 before it refuses to retract the lens and shuts off. Good thing I opted for the 3 year warranty at Best Buy over Christmas break. Just my luck that there's no Best Buy store around here. But it's okay, at least my job doesn't require I wear a condom over my head.

Saturday July 10, 11:34 AM
A Thai waiter wears a condom over his head while serving a cocktail as a patron looks on at the Cabbages and Condoms restaurant in Bangkok on July 8, 2004. The restaurant, founded by Mechai Viravaidya, better known as "Mr Condom", aims to educate the public about safe sex. Bangkok will be the host for the upcoming 15th International AIDS Conference from July 11-16. REUTERS/Stringer

subsmitted links:
How does your streetwear match up against your homies?
Why settle for a real girl when you've got SIM GIRL!
A boatload of naked celebrities
Just another filesharing portal. Zeropaid!

Posted by Smit at 07:11 PM | Comments (12)

Wikka Wikka WILD!

Featured Sites: FREE Cameron Diaz S&M Tape Download! | Twelve Fifteen | Dave's Daily | College Down Time

Click for the rest of her pictures in the August Maxim!


Greetings and salutations my long lost fallen commrades. After going home to Richmond for the 4th of July, I've returned to JMU only to extend my holiday by buying a new leather chair and a desk from OfficeMax. I don't what I'm going for, but certainly comfort and space is one of the top priorities. The way my room is set up now is just gross and ineffecient. My 3700 dollar Powerbook just sits on the bookshelf gathering dust, so I'm hoping my new spacy desk will let me work on both computer simultaneously at the same time concurrently.

Since I've been back, I've been taking pictures as the official photographer of current position at JMU. (I'm not allowed to disclose which department I'm working for since this website is ridden with disease, and that's exactly the opposite of what they are aiming to achieve.)

I'm planning on going to Atlantic City and the Jersey Shore this coming weekend to meet up with a bunch of college friends of mine to engage in some unprotected drinking and intravenous needle sharing. Definitely will call for some pictures and some crazy stories to update upon my return.

The SUBsMIT link feature once again has flooded my inbox with some great links from kind viewers and spammers alike. Check 'em out categorized.

Hot Pictures of Hot Girls
Rate Nude Coeds! | Finally the rest of the high resolution Lindsay Lohan Nipple Slips! | Paige Davis from Trading Spaces STRIPPING! | Paris Hilton and Other Celebrity Sex Tapes! | Hot Babe Vida Guerra from FHM! | Hope I see more of these on the beach this summer | Christina Aguilera looking good at a recent Milan fashion show | "A girl trying to break her deep throat record"

Flash Cartoons and Games
"A cool game involving a dead thing" | American Phill -"This is the most insane cartoon I have ever seen. Like Family Guy meets Invader Zim plus mutant cows." | Cool Flash cartoon with lots of carnage! | Anime Parody featuring Captain Crunch, Transformers, and Godzilla

Random Other Sites and News
My good buddy Geoff Baio's website - GoosetownUSA - He claims I ignored his previous request, and "gd'd" me for it but really he is full of crap.
The Hangover Cafe- Another college related site worth checking out.
"Amusing Blog by College Student- Actually Updated Frequently" - And my site ISN'T updated frequently?!? AS IF!!
The People's Perception - The ONLY place where Porn and Drugs are not good for you.
Hilarious and shocking rock songs.
Hilarious link on how to get kicked off a forum
A war game about Iraq.
Man tries to get rid of a million pennies.
How to find out if you are gay or not... - Chances are, if you click that link, you're a flamer.
Funny Top 10 lists
Fire crews rescued a drunken Swede found trapped after he tried to crawl under a gate

BUT UM ANYWAYS. I've converted all my subpages and old archives into the format of this layout to make it all go together. Now all my updates since October 2003 that have since disappeared are NOW AVAILABLE!!!

Posted by Smit at 01:34 PM | Comments (1)


After several pending lawsuits and sites taking down the Cameron Diaz S&M Bondage Sex Tape, I've finally come across one that has it along with Paris Hilton, Janet Jackson, Jenna from Survivor, and other Celebrities!


Simmer donna!

Posted by Smit at 11:43 AM


Well I'm heading home to the Capital of the Confederacy (REPRESENT! WHAT WHAT! UNION 1 - CONFEDERACY 0! YOU LOST GET OVER IT! WELL, IT'S ONLY HALF TIME!) Richmond this weekend to celebrate the 4th of July holiday, and I thought there was no better way to say goodbye than stealing images of washed out models on B-rated bikini websites. HERE YOU GO!

Hot chicks in patriotic swim gear!

Apparently my SUBsMIT link feature thingamajig was a hit, and as I promised, I'm posting them all right here. Thanks to all those who submitted, and those who thought about it but used their better judgement and X'ed out of the browser.

And one more thing before I go... Apparently Lindsay Lohan turned 18 today. Which means I have to post a smokin hot high resolution picture of her for you all to gawk at. (Ryan sent me pictures of her nipple, but I have since lost them.) So go here for the time being, print out a life size copy, cut holes in the bikini top, put your nipples in the holes, stand in front of a mirror, and go wild.


Posted by Smit at 05:04 PM | Comments (3)


I just threw a little script together to make it easier for people to submit links so I can post them on the the site. Go ahead and spam your site or some random page that you want to share with the world. While it's in the primitive stages, I'm thinking about doing some kind of reward system for those who submit links.

So, begin and SEND ME LINKS!

Posted by Smit at 10:58 PM | Comments (2)

Who's laughing now, BIAAAAATCH!

I've come across this site which displays the most recently posted 30 pictures from the entire livejournal community, exposing tormented souls' photographs of new haircuts or slit wrists to the vast public. Along with other totally random images that can appeal to average cold, lifeless websurfer at the push of the F5 key. Since I am the self proclaimed king of the aforementioned group, I stumbled upon this little gem.

Yeah, no big deal right. Whoa, hold up there just one second. As the owner of a well endowed penis, I do not appreciate girls, out of all people, hurling stones at my ginormous gourd. And I certainly do not welcome any advocates of such behavior specifically aimed at brainwashing easily influenced girls into violent criminals. So I am now calling upon the oppressed male species to take a stand. And purchase the following designs for baby blue baby tees.

Yes, due to the fact that I am a terrible artist as well as a misogynic pig, the bullets resemble phalluses.

Posted by Smit at 02:09 AM | Comments (0)