Rasheed, your family is dead. They will not win Game 2.

I figured I would post this since it's appropriate with my turning into a woman and naked girls loving me theme. Thanks to the commenter known as "yo" for this wonderful Photoshop. Don't worry, I covered up any nudity so you can't sneak a peek at my goods. ;)

Posted by Smit at 10:24 PM | Comments (14)

I kick my dog in the face and I don't know why

Lightspeed girls love me. (Click for the entire pic, and yes it's real.)

The first week of May session is now over, equivalent to 25% done of an entire regular semester. Since my class is online, meaning I don't have to physically go and interact face to face with real human beings at any scheduled time, I've been hitting up the gym. I've been more times this past week than the entire Spring semester. It's amazing how fast somebody can get out of shape, and how much pain is endured on the first few days back. Not just soreness, but pure pain ripping throughout my body. I had thought it was from dropping 45 lb. plates on my neck, legs, and arms but I wised up and realized it's just lactic acid building up in my previous sedentary muscles.

I've been thinking a lot lately. I love being in shape, being active, the thrill of athletic competition, but it's just so damn hard being motivated and disciplined enough when daily binge drinking takes over the 3 season high school athlete routine. After our first intramural soccer game last week, I've realized how much I have missed actually running for a sport rather than from the cops. (Because everyone knows I run from the cops on a weekly basis.) So I've come to the decision that I will pursue athletics after my college graduation. Doing what, you ask?

Well a few things have fallen right into place, and I feel that this is my true calling. First off, I ran the 100 meters in 10.9 seconds in high school in my first outdoor track meet ever. And triple-Olympic champion Marion Jones won the 100 meters yesterday at the U.S. Track and Field Golden Spike Tour with a time of 10.99 seconds. Meaning that I am faster than the fastest woman in the world. And it just so happens that the Olympic committee has come to the decision to allow transsexual athletes to compete. If you think you know where I am going with this, then you are most likely right. I will be the Women's sprinting gold medalist at the 2004 Athens Olympics. Hey, I've already prepared for my psychology project last year.


So anyways, I was thinking... of probably the dickest thing anybody could ever do to anybody else. Well, besides the obvious disemboweling their loved ones in front of them or purposely bumping them into a high voltage fence. Here it goes: If I won the lottery and received millions of dollars that I wouldn't know what to do with... I would not give any of it to my close friends. Rather I would give millions of dollars to my friends' family members under the one condition that they don't let the friend benefit AT ALL from their new found wealth. For instance, if my best friend's brother purchased a plasma television with my money, do NOT let my friend watch it. In fact, punch them in the face. This idea is not only genius but should also be made into a movie. Of course, I would treat all of my best friends' families to free matinee tickets.

HEY! I just experienced the smoothest shave in my entire life. I purchased the Gillette Mach 3 Power yesterday for 13 dollars. It didn't even feel like I was shaving, but merely orgasming all over my face. WHOA, WAIT THAT DIDN'T COME OUT RIGHT. Damn broken backspace button.

Now that I have disgusted myself to the point of no return, here are some fantabulous links:

Check out this brilliant revenge on a Powerbook scammer.
Here is a man who couldn't pee on demand for a drug test, so he is filing suit to support his paint huffing habits.
Remember the rapper/preacher/rapper again Ma$e? Well he's back and still rockin his monotone voice. Listen to his single.
Two links of open directories of hot chicks: Hot models & Hot celebrities

Posted by Smit at 03:16 PM | Comments (2)

Hiatus: From a plethora of overused words

It's been 15 days since I've written anything, and it's gotten just downright ridiculous. Every post I've put up in the last half year seem to start with an "Oh my, I haven't updated in weeks, I will do it soon, I promise, now let's move on to free celebrity sex tape news." Pathetic. I really had no idea when the next time would be that I would get back into this whole gig. So I figured I would get the ball rolling with just some random news and update about what I've been up to.

The Spring semester of my junior year in college is now complete. Which means I have one more year left until I am a college graduate. Pretty fucking scary, and it's just now hitting me how time flies by when I see everyone in the class above me set off for for the real world. Anyways, I'm not fretting about the future, I'm one to take it day by day. Just think, we could all be dead by now!

So, yes, I'm relieved this semester is over. Well, the academic aspect of it. I breezed through my major courses, which are subjects that I actually care for and will use in my future career endeavors. The required general education "bullshit" classes are the ones that like to take a beating on my GPA. I did try, but it's hard to focus on subjects where I know I will never use the material ever again, thus the poor performance. I did not fail anything, no worries, but let's just say I'm not happy about how I did. Just glad it's over. The only college course in which I ever received an "F" in is Computer Science, which I took freshman year and bombed the shit out of the first few programming assignments and just gave up on the class. Bet you never thought I would fail that class out of all possible classes, now did ya? Because it's obvious I am probably the best person with computers in the entire nation.

And I gave up on going to the gym this past semester and now have some nice stomach flab and love handles to show for it. Something I've never had before, and it's quite depressing. Nothing quite like the tiptop inshape superstar nationally ranked sprinter and athlete Smitty in high school, no worries though, the New Smitty starts tomorrow.

No more slacking around in various aspects of life. No more napping all day only to rely on Nyquil to induce me into nighttime sleep. No more not going to the gym (I'm starting tomorrow, and I even brought my bike!). No more just merely existing and letting time pass me by. IT'S TIME FOR NEW SMITTY!

Okay well since New Smitty doesn't start until tomorrow, I'm going to bed.


I'll be taking a course here at JMU for May session, an entire semester's 3 credit class crammed into a 16 day crash course. This, however, is no ordinary course. It's an... ONLINE CLASS! I have no idea what to expect, but I know it's up to me to discipline myself to do the work and succeed at my own pace. I'll keep you up to date with my progress.

I will also be here all summer working with a department at JMU as the webmaster for their site. It's a position I've had since January, but I'm not allowed to mention what sites I am working on for fear of word getting out that JMU has hired that "Smithappens" guy. I put this site on my resume and cover letter for them to check out what I have done. When I was initially interviewed, one of my then-future bosses suggested that I don't show any future potential employers a site about "Mexicans peeing" and other crude content. I concurred and then proceeded to be hired for the position. I must say it's been a valuable and pleasant experience with the people I work with. It's also nice to have jobs in fields that I want to work for as an actual career.

I just realized that the majority of everything I just wrote was just a boring narrative of my life. But you know what, I HAD TO GET IT OFF MY PALE BOYISH CHEST.

And now it's time for me to help you get away from this site. Check these out.

Well considering this site is a place to express my narcissistic views and rants and I know you all want to live vicariously through me, here is a picture of me at a party that I just had to share.

Keeping with the self-indulgence theme, here is my Anti-Haley Joel page in Maxim magazine in the United Kingdom.

From a study- "Overweight children are more likely than their peers to be the victims, and in some cases the perpetrators, of teasing, name-calling and physical bullying..." So basically, it's the fat kids picking on the fat kids. Um... is there a problem here? Let them eliminate each other and let us normal, perfect kids go on with our lives. Here is the link to the article....

This is actually a sick yet pretty funny television news affiliate website exposing older men seducing what they thought were young girls on the Internet. They show up to the doorstep only to be bombarded with a news camera and reporter in their faces and shown on that evening's broadcast. I was about to crack a joke here, but I just got sick to my stomach and threw up all over my monitor, and now it's hard to type because there is a piece of corn sliding down and leaving a streaky trail blocking my view.

Ever wanted to know what the Top 10 Worst Music Album Covers are? You probably thought about it constantly and actively researched the topic, but once again, I prevail and beat you to it. So, HERE.

It's 2004. You know what that means. Cicada mating year! Those nasty lil buggers emerge from underground every 17 years to get their mack on. Literally TRILLIONS of cicadas are coming out in the Eastern half of the United States to reek havoc on the nation. President Bush has officially declared the cicada as a terrorist organization. Al Cicada. As many as 1.5 million of them can take over just one acre! Which gives a reason for pediatricians to be worried about STUPID FUCKING CHILDREN GETTING HURT BY FUCKING WITH THESE BUGS. And I quote "First there was the girl who fell off her bike fleeing a flying cicada. Then a boy trying to swat a cicada out of the air with a baseball bat instead hit his friend in the nose. " HA HA HA HA.

And to end this post with a bang, it seems that Demi Moore is just the latest in washed out celebrities "accidently" releasing "stolen" pictures or videos in lame attempts at publicity stunts. Which may, in fact, not be lame after all, but proven formulas for temporarily happier washed out celebrities and a happier male species. Ladies, did I forget to mention that Ashton Kutcher is also involved in these "compromising" photographs? Teeheheheheheh giggle giggle. Check out the Sun article proving my allegations true.

And it's time for old Smitty to hit the sack. New Smitty comin atcha before you can hit Refresh over and over and over and over.

Posted by Smit at 11:30 PM | Comments (0)

Yes my friends, I am still alive

Yeah yeah, I haven't updated in quite some time. School is winding down with finals next week and summer just around the corner. I figured my David Beckham jokes would be able to hold you guys over for about two weeks. And BOY WAS I RIGHT! I should have more time and motivation in a few weeks.

Hmm... check out Danwho's new layout that he released on his birthday, along with a photo gallery of the 90's party on Thursday where I was Manilli of Milli Vanili. Dan was a pretty little girl.

And if you are looking for that Gena Lee Nolin tape, I do NOT have it... but you can always find it here at Celebs Unzipped for free. THE END.

Posted by Smit at 11:52 AM | Comments (0)