DAVID BECKHAM DOES IT FOR 90 MINUTES IN 11 POSITIONS!

I've gotten some search requests pertaining to the David Beckham affair incident, most notably "David Beckham wanker" and "David Beckham affair jokes." Now, now I am known to take a break from my strict daily routine of seriousness and post a few jokes on this site, but those David Beckham affair jokes are just not on this site. THAT IS, UNTIL NOW!

Note- I have never heard a David Beckham affair joke, and I have never searched for one. Meaning that all these jokes are 100% my property and credit must be given to me. NO LAUGHING ALLOWED.

Q: Why did David Beckham cross the road?
A: To have an affair!

Q: What does David Beckham say to his wife when she cries about his mistress?
A: Life's not a-ffair!

Q: What is David Beckham's favorite card game?
A: Solitaffair!

Q: Who is David Beckham's favorite old time duet?
A: Sonny and Chaffair!

Q: Who is David Beckham's favorite Prime Minister?
A: Tony Blaffair!

Q: What is David Beckham's all-time favorite femanist music carnival?
A: Lillith Affair!

Q: What is David Beckham's favorite magazine?
A: Sports Illustraffaired!

Q: What's red, white, and having an affair?
A: David Beckham!

A priest and a rabbi are waiting at a bar. David Beckham comes in late, and the priest says "Heyyyy there he is, come and join us, why don't you pull up a chaffair!"

TADA. Post some of your own David Beckham affair jokes right now!

Posted by Smit at 06:58 PM | Comments (0)

SMITHAPPENS.COM TURNS THE TERRIBLE TWO

That's right ladies, believe it or not, this website turns two years old today. And what is probably more believable is the fact that I basically forgot about it and have nothing prepared. WAY TO GO PATRICK.

In mouse news, Danwho and I reinforced Turkey Sub's cage with a ridiculous amount of quarter inch wire fencing to the point where it's more of a hassle to open the cage to change his water than to not do it. And we don't deal with hassles.

Back to my birthday news, check out the different looks of the site throughout the years.


FIRST | SECOND | THIRD | FOURTH | FIFTH | SIXTH

In David Beckham affair news, apparently the world's most popular athlete confessed his wrongdoings to his wife Posh Spice, thus proving the allegations true. Check out the affairee topless in The Sun.

I figured I should put a picture up because nobody likes plain text, so here's a photo of when I had a mustache.

I wish I had a post prepared but nope, I'm an idiot. I'll empty promise you that I will write more VERY SOON.

Posted by Smit at 11:56 PM | Comments (0)

ESCAPE!

So back to our pet mouse, you know, the sole reason why I post on this site anymore. As I stated previously how we purchased a cage to suffice his ever increasing high maintenance little mouseself, he escaped from it last night. Out of his escape-proof rodent cage and into our locked apartment, under my roommate Steve's door, and into his bed. While Steve was still sleeping and woke him up before venturing off into his trash. Now keep in mind that Steve is the only one who hates the idea of having a pet mouse.

After I'd say about twenty hours of freedom, hey wait what the hell do I know, last time we checked on the mouse in his cage and verified his existence and vital signs was probably Sunday night, but let's stick to the story. So he escaped and evaded us all day and night until he jetted across James' floor and behind his dresser. He requested my assistance in capturing the sucker, and eventually we did. Three escapes for Turkey sub, three successful apprehensions of the fugitive for the humans. Way to go, species.

Now he's back in the cage. SHUT UP STOP ROLLING EYES AND SNICKERING. I put some ties around the corners to hold the bars even closer together than they were, and we placed the cage on top of a keg. Now hopefully he will stay put for the time being. Any ideas to what to do with the mouse or how to reinforce his cage are much appreciated.



James (right) and Turkey sub.



Really, how the hell does he get out of this. WHAT WHAT.

Posted by Smit at 09:53 PM | Comments (0)

HOT GIRL FOR YOU AS REQUESTED

Many of you here have taken a liking to the mystery babe that I have had for the "For the Fellas" section on the left of random hot babes, so I decided to go out on a limb and think that you just might appreciate these pictures. As far as I know, her name is Elin and these are the only 4 pictures of her EVER.


Oh and ladies, I didn't forget you... NEW MANMEAT ON THE LEFT AND COMING UP A SPECIAL UPDATE JUST FOR YOU!

Posted by Smit at 10:17 PM | Comments (0)

Messiah Mouse

Happy Easter everyone, the ultra holiday- the sacred celebration of the Easter Bunny's birthday and the resurrection of our new pet mouse along with Christ. In case you didn't believe, or in most cases didn't care, that we did find a mouse, I have photographic proof of our furry friend. Well,yes, though I could have stolen this image from any other billions of web images out there and most likely stole it from a premium paid membership stock photography database, I still have it here to submit as rock solid evidence.

We took him over to 1589 last night in our bucket where we were hassled for not providing him with luxurious living conditions that their pet hamster enjoys. Fast forward in time to this afternoon where we checked on the mouse on the balcony bucket only to find he had escaped from the 10 gallon bucket. Also should mention that there was nothing in the bucket besides a shoe and a piece of cheese and an empty water dish, which is mainly the owners' faults. Fearing yet sighing with relief that he may have attempted to end it all by flying off the balcony again, we leaned over the rail and saw no signs of a dead mouse.

I moved my old clothes and shoe that reside outside gathering mold for months at a time to find our little friend in that shoe. This mouse was found on Good Friday, should have died on the same day, and was resurrected on Easter Sunday. Therefore we have a miracle mouse on our hands, the messiah himself and now our pet is aptly named for the circumstances he had endured during this great holiday. Meet our pet, Turkey Sub.

James and I ran to PetCo to pick up some supplies and real food to keep this sucker alive and ended up paying 30 bucks for a new cage, bedding, and a mixture of nuts and corn. 30 bucks for a mouse that looked exactly the same as the "Common Mouse" that sells for $1.49 two aisles down. My mother said it was cheaper to buy a mousetrap, and well, on that note, I am at a loss for words.

Posted by Smit at 11:44 PM | Comments (0)

LOL = Leave Online; SMIT has signed off at %t.

The above title refers to my days as a naive AOLer in the midnineties. Often more times than not, I would sign off flustered and discouraged after being instructed to sign offline for what I thought were clever cunning comments in the chatrooms. A typical chatroom day for me:


*** You have entered TeenChat 666 ***

HALFCHINESEPUNK: I AM HALF CHINESE, FEAR ME I HATE YOU SHITTY I MEAN SMITTY
xX SMITTY Xx: shut up stick a chopstick up yer but
DoNJUaN03: LOL!!!!!!
DinKFACE00093: lOl
SCU286: LoLOLOloLOLLOLOL
xX SMITTY Xx: sorry guys bye
*** xX SMITTY Xx has left the chat ***
SCU286: wHAT ADouchEBAG! WHERE DIDdehhE GO ? check ouT MY SiTE


It wasn't until a good few months later when I found out that LOL actually meant lawl, laugh out loud, my all time favorite acronym that I never use. All those potential chances to be discovered by a comedic scout lurking the chats shot down and stomped on.

Where have I been recently, definitely not around here. Last night Danwho and I caught a mouse, not a wild muskrat but an albino mouse that obviously escaped from a methamphetimine/animal sciences combolab from the apartment next to us. I was prepared to write up a whole update about the predicament and revitalize the life in this site but once again my great intentions are squashed, only this time by a half Polack. Danwho wrote up a brilliant recap of last nights event at his site, right over here across the way, at 6 am this morning still under the influence of Sparks alcoholic energy drinks.

We put the mouse in a pickle jar with the stereotypical pasteruized slices of cheese, and somehow he escaped and jumped off the third story balcony. This ended in yet another capture for this freedomdeserving rodent and placed into a better suited habitat aka a bucket for the night. I took a picture of it this morning and I have named this mouse as the offical mascot for my site. While the mouse is not actually in the photograph, I swear he is in the shoe or under that rag.

In keeping with the smithappens animal themes, I am throwing a shameless plug to my animal mating calls page because I need a spacefiller.

Hang on, I'm on my laptop and I'm going to jump onto my desktop.

Posted by Smit at 03:36 PM | Comments (13)