2005 Cross Country Road Trip RECAP

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Tuesday, August 16, 2005- RP flew in from Phoenix to Richmond via Philadephia. Stein and I met him at the airport after his flight was delayed for four hours, and AirTran conveniently misplaced his brand new flaming red suitcase. We scurried around the terminal in a frenzy seeking his new flaming red suitcase only to be given the round about and reach arounds by all the AirTran employees in their back-trailer office. After two hours with no success of locating that flaming red suitcase, we all said "Fuck It" in unison and hit up Stool Pigeons in the Shockoe Bottom to drown our sorrows in cheap domestic beer and club sammiches.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005- RP and I hung out all day at my house, then hit up the Cheesecake Bistro at the Stony Point Shopping Center for dinner with StineyBaby, my momma, her great friend from New York Gloria, her awesomely talented artist daughter MaryJo, and MaryJo's computer guru 4-year-old son Trey (who probably found this paragraph immediately after publication through his mystery machine magical computer skills.) We all ate less than half of the ginormous portions of our meals, and donated the leftovers to the Red Hat Society sitting over the partition next to us. After much discussion, we came to realize that the Red Hat Society is, in fact, not an organization of famished ostereoporostic elderly women salivating over scraps, but simply an organization of regular ostereoporostic elderly women. Silly us.

Thursday, August 18, 2005- The original planned departure date which was pushed back due to a communication breakdown regarding our first stop in Kentucky. We had planned to stay in Lexington at the University of Kentucky at a certain Shimmer's house, but it turns out that she would be out of town that week leaving us up the creek without a FUCKING PADDLE. RP made an ass out of himself by assuming that we would stay at the infamous CDuane's house in Louisville, but she would not be in town until the following day. One more day in Richmond, one more day in Paradise.

Friday, August 19, 2005- The day has finally arrived. We would soon embark on our 2300 mile journey across the country, as soon as I get my entire life packed into the back of my car, and we stop at Target for toiletries, camoflauge shorts, and buffalo chicken Pizza Hut personal pans. And then stopping at my mother's office at the gyno to say one final goodbye. Before I come back to visit in a few months. Smelling like free samples of Vagasil and Midol, we finally hit the road. Nine hours later, we arrived in Louisville at the wonderful Duane dwelling.

Saturday, August 20, 2005- After sleeping 14 hours in Courtney's childhood bedroom in her childhood bed in her childhood nighty, I woke up to the pleasant sounds of her mother calling me a "slug." The Duanes made us a delicious breakfast while her dad revealed to me that my picture is on his bulletin board in his closet, the only other picture besides the immediate family in the entire closet. A photo in which I am wearing a woman's wig nonetheless. Don't worry, the prelude to the story eased all potential worries with "I don't want this to sound weird or anything..." Much love to the Duanes' and their awesome Kentuckian hospitality. We hit the road in the early afternoon to head to St. Louis, Missouri, a mere 5 hours and a new timezone away.

Saturday Night, August 20, 2005 - First stop: The St. Louis International Airport, where I remain in the car idling in the 5 minute passenger pickup line for over an hour. Well actually, I am forced to drive around the airport multiple times and get back in line while Ryan is inside looking for that flaming red suitcase. He comes out empty handed because once again, AirTran is the worst airline of all time. We finally meet up with our host Tiffany, who would entertain us for the next two days. We immediately head to the bar and swallow five drinks of alcohol in ten minutes.

Sunday, August 21, 2005- I awake once again in a feminine bed and feline environment with jugs of kitty chow occupying the bathtub and a litterbox doubling as potPURRi. We miss the opportunity to score pressbox seats at the St. Louis Cardinals game versus the Giants, and instead head to Tiffany's father's sportsbar outside the stadium, Al Hrabosky's Sports Grille. Here we are treated like royalty, with the security bowing at our beckoning and allow us upstairs to the VIP section overlooking the peasants below. We feasted on potato chips and burgers and carried out human sacrifices without thinking twice. Then we visit the St. Louis Arch and ride up to the top. Then the Anheseur Busch factory and Forest Park to complete the day. I wrote some more details about these events in the captions of my photo gallery, so check them out! Check out the Picture Gallery by Clicking Here!

Monday August 22, 2005- Eight hours on the highway to our next destination, MadPony Kristin's, is welcomely divided up with a stop at the World's Largest McDonalds in Oklahoma. Don't let the enormous building fool you, there are only four registers in this regular sized McD's with the rest of the floorspace dedicated to gift shops pawning shitty Oklahoma artifacts and other novelty items plastered with the "Largest McDonalds" hogwash. After leaving with a mouth full of chewed up freedom fries and utter disappointment, we jump on the road and land in Norman, Oklahoma. That night, we hung out with MadPony as she drove us around the University of Oklahoma and drank Oklahoman beer, which is actually has a less alcoholic content than every other state. Yes, that means Bud Light and O'Douls in Oklahoma have a lower amount of alcohol. So next time you see a 400-pound cornfed Sooner farmboy consume a keg of Miller Lite singlehandingly, cease to be impressed until he drinks another keg of anyotherstate beer. Within the next hour or punch him in the chins.

Tuesday and Wednesday, August 23-24, 2005-A straightshot down I-35, we make our way down to Dallas to visit with my Uncle and his family, my grandmother, and my cousins at his PHAT PAD. Much of the time was spent in the swimming pool, on the wireless network, and in downtown Dallas conspiring ways to debunk the Kennedy assasination myth and legend.

Thursday, August 25, 2005- Our longest stretch awaited us, Dallas to Las Cruces, New Mexico. Nine more hours on the highway, 8 of them being in Texas. Not only is Texas the biggest state in the nation, it's also the biggest United State in the ENTIRE WORLD! (Some might say Alaska is the largest state but really, half of the "land mass" is barren wasteland of solid water and clubbed seal carcasses. It's not even connected to the continental "real" America! HAHAHAHA LOSERS.)

Thursday Night, August 25, 2005- We make it to Las Cruces and check into the first hotel we see, The Ramada Inn - home of the 1st Annual Hispanic Farmer and Rancher's Convention where all the participants sang choir music right outside our room door for hours until 10 PM MOUNTAIN TIME. That's equivalent to MIDNIGHT EASTERN TIME WHEN YOU WANT TO HAVE PEACE AND QUIET. Then we go across the street to the bar, The Brew, which so happened to be rated in the "Top 20 Dive Bars" in the nation by Stuff Magazine. I'm not quite sure if that is something to boast about, kinda like winning the bronze medal in the Special Olympics. Erm, I mean especially if you aren't qualified to be competing in the games. There's no way out of this, the damage is done and I'm not proud of it. At the bar, we are greeted by an awesome group of GorillaMask fans who treat us to free drinks all night. Throughout the course of the night, we are given free drinks by the manager and bartenders and 200 of our other closest friends.

Friday, August 26, 2005- We wake up the next morning in a daze with no recollection of getting back home. And in my case, getting beat up or falling down or enduring stigmata with a giant gash on my head. RP puked all over his keyboard and my laptop bag and his shirt and the floor. We had so much fun in the hotel that we laid in our beds until 9 pm the following day and opted to stay another night to recover from our excruciating hangovers.

Saturday, August 27, 2005- After 30 hours of laying in our beds, we finally attempt to contract our muscles and get up and moving. Our very final stretch to Phoenix was only 5 hours, in which we exchanged driving duties twice, doubling the amount of changes from the entire trip. RP set up a meeting with a house viewing he found from CraigsList, a nice little stucco cottage outside the metropolitan area. We would have MAYBE considered it if the place was somewhat nonsmelly and cleaner than leaving toilets unflushed for potential buyers. We got out in a jiffy and now I am staking my claim on this leather couch in RP's one bedroom apartment until we find a house and I haven't showered yet today. Check out the Picture Gallery by Clicking Here!

Posted August 30, 2005 at 04:15 PM