Keg Race 2005 RESULTS!

The 2nd Annual Keg Race was held on Saturday, February 5th, 2005 at approximately 3:15 or so at 1589 Fox Hills. I was on the Gray Team, once formally named I Stole Your Grays as a play on Ryan Gray's screen name, but then eventually changed to I Stole Your Kegs, which is also a play on Ryan Gray's screen name but with deeper connotations. You see, we were so confident in our ability to finish our beer faster than our opponents, that after we had finished we would run to the other side of the room and pound their beers in their face. This may also be called "flaunting" or "showboating" to make the opponent feel even more like shit than they already did.

And of course, this is what happened.

According to this website, there are 141 beers in a keg. That means 282 beers pounded by 46 people in less than 50 minutes. That is equal to around 6.13 beers per person in less than an hour. Of course, many champs went into the double digits before falling into comas.

IMPORTANT FLASHBACK: Friday night, several members of the Gray Team came over to my apartment while we kicked out Danwho as he was part of the enemy. James made a sweet iron-on logo for teeshirts, which he emailed to everyone so they could print them out and fuck up their own shirts on their own time. Lindy and Kelly cut their shirts into shreds only to sew them back together with pretty little bows and nipple holes. Their matching mini skirts were only part of our strategy, that is distracting the opponents while distracting our team at the same time, basically canceling each others distraction out, but a much welcomed cancellation at that.

We discussed how the official rules of the Keg Race clearly state that each team is allowed 5 pukes. Brains started turning and stomachs started churning at the thought of how to take advantage of this rule. This, my fellow astronauts, was the key to our future victory.

Rusty tossing the keg. (Picture to break up boring text)

Saturday came around, and the Gray team met at Kelly's to discuss any last minute strategies while Billiams cut up fabric while I sprinkled fairy dust on his ovaries. The draft's number 1 pick Rusty gave us all a little scare as he did not show up for the meeting and almost missed the race. However, he eventually arrived to the applause and original chant RUSTY RUSTY RUSTY, and then we went outside to take a team picture (as pictured below.) (I did not sprinkle any kind of dust on Billiams as he is the most manly of all that is man.)

We made it down to 1589 with minutes to spare since it is only 5 apartments down the row, where we were greeted by the evil green team. Oh, I must have forgotten that the green team talked shit about how it was IMPOSSIBLE FOR THE GRAY TEAM TO WIN BECAUSE WE HAD 5 MORE GIRLS THAN THEY DID, WHICH MEANS THEY HAD 5 MORE GUYS THAN WE DID. While this should prove true in every other realm of life, we did not let this deter us from getting the job done.

Our strategy in kicking the keg was keeping the tap flowing at all times, and filling up multiple pitchers to pass amongst the team members. The green team also had pitchers but did not utilize them as much as we did, but merely filled up double fisted solo cups. A couple of times I noticed that the green team's keg was not being used at all, while ours was flowing continuously. No way the green team could win.

Our deliberate puking strategy appeared to have been working. Michael R. Moore was the first puker, who apparently was not aware of our strategy and yacked like 15 minutes into the race. He got it all over his shirt and then hugged and canoodled with the green team's girls. I think James puked next, which was part of our plan. He had consumed ten beers in half an hour, puked up all ten to make room for another ten, and did just that. He is no longer alive. Piyum was another surprise puker, as he pranced into the bathroom like a little girl and spit up a teaspoon full of vomit. I screamed at him to pull the trigger and get as much out as he could so that he could have room for more beer, but he quickly exclaimed that a teaspoon is the maximum that he can handle. Then Luis chugged beers until his eyes watered right outside the loo until he could possibly not take anymore. We utilized 4 of our 5 pukes, expunging about 20 12 ounce and a teaspoon worth of beer, making room for another 20 and tsp. Mike was the only green team puker, and he did it in classic fashion outside the window for everyone to see.

45 minutes later, the green team's keg had been kicked. I was drunk and dumbfounded at how this could have happened as they contradicted my observations and hypothesis. Our keg still had beer in it, and the other team had more guys so there was no hope for us. OR WAS THERE!

The green team still had beers in their hands and pitchers and obviously thought victory was in the bag. I walked over to our keg and said a little prayer that it would start spitting, and it suddenly it did. We quickly distributed our beer and screamed encouraging words in our teammates faces to quickly get that beer in their bodies. What seemed like mere seconds, I looked around and saw empty cups in all of my teammates hands and the energy started to build. The place just erupted in cheers as the Gray Team realized that they had slain the green giant, and I will never forget Angel's look of shock on his face.

I was incredibly inebriated and intense as I screamed at everyone on the green team because they kept saying there was no way for us to win, as we had more girls than they did. So obviously I shoved that back in their face by yelling YOU LOST TO GIRLS MOTHERFUCKER and I pulled down my pants to show them my mangina. However, I did not pull down my pants to show them my mangina, I don't know why I said that.

Billiams and Scott ran to the other side and pounded 2 of their beers so that we could uphold the name of our team, I Stole Your Kegs.


My good buddy twin Ryan was obviously stunned at the improbability of his defeat that he was yelling about how we puked and somehow that should discredit our win. While the green team probably had more beer in their systems collectively as a whole, the rules are rules and we took full advantage of the puke rule. Of course I got in his face yelling nonsense about how it was our strategy and neither one of us could comprehend what was going on, so it quickly escalated into pushing and more yelling. Kristian pulled me outside where I came to realize what the hell just happened, and as I was about to make my way back inside to make amends with my good ol buddy ol pal, I see Ryan's face of fury and hands clawing at the side of the door trying to get out and kill me. Luckily Kristian had him on his shoulder and did not let him out, or who knows what would have happened. I probably would have ran and he would have chased me for 4 blocks until we would both pass out in the middle of Deer Run. Three minutes after the rabid beast tried escaping his cage, he came outside and we hugged and made out, I mean made up. Alcohol and intense opposing energy can only mean disaster.

It was now 4:15, and everyone was ridiculously trashed. Keg tossing contests ensued, and the brilliant idea of taking the bus to Gibbons Dining Facility ("D-Hall") on campus was brought up. Thirty of us ambushed the cafeteria in our respective team's gear, where the rest of the student body just couldn't believe how ABSOLUTELY CRAZY THOSE GUYS ARE, OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE THEM WOWOWOW. We shoved dinner down our throats. Clay dumped ice cream on Burns' head, and that was about the time we got out of there.

Some of the group waiting for the bus. (Picture to break up boring text)

Most everyone went home and passed out by 9 pm, myself included. However some manned up and drank even more. I have not heard from them since.

I took 256 pictures of the day, but only 165 turned out. Some of my favorite ones didn't work, including photos of the actual keg race and team pictures. Courtney Duane put some of hers up, DanWho put his up the night of the draft WITH captions- I don't know how he does it, KelGirl has some webshots up, and I'm waiting for the other slackasses to upload theirs. But until then, below is my gallery:

Posted February 08, 2005 at 06:13 PM