2005 Keg Race Power Rankings by Ryan Gray!

Hello All and welcome to Ryan Kiper Jr.’s Pre-Draft Power Rankings and Projected Draft Order Special!

While I am in no way qualified to rank any of us against the other one, I will proceed to make observations and academic guesses for the sure fire hell of it for our amusement. (and possibly to help out our eager managers who will be drafting on Thursday night)

The first part of this two part update on SMITHAPPENS.COM will be a highlight of all the players of whom I am guessing will be participating in the draft and race. Consider this like a pre-NFL draft special but with beer. Wait a minute, that’s basically what football is right? Ok nevermind here are the criteria of which I am basing and choose the following individuals:

-Particpation in last years race –and/OR- willingness vocalized previously at parties or other block gatherings

-Performance, not only by the individual but by their team, last year.

-Party prowess and other intangibles such as funneling, chugging, beer pong, athletic prowess, and sheer mental toughness.

I will rank these individuals by what I consider “positions.” Like in any other sport (YES DRINKING IS A SPORT) you have role players and positions in a team. For our purposes we will combine positions from all kinds of sports, including some new ones I have made up and which you will recognize by name. Each position will have a definition (unless unnecessary) so here we go!

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OUR CAPTAINS
These two men fought bravely for their teams last year, and only one came out on top. Will the results be the same this year? Only the draft will tell….

Mark “Teggy” Tegethoff
A sports genius. This kid is a soldier. He will make shrewd deals and utilize no doubt this power ranking sheet to its utmost possibility. Infamously trading away Joy + 1 beer last year for Galli might have been his biggest mistake but he’s ready for redemption like the rest of his last years team. Known to pee on just about everything, look for him to try to take much of his same team from last year.

Intangible: Mark was injured last year but is healthy and ready to go now. In the offseason Mark took some nice vacations and has color back in his cheeks. He’s ready.

EB III
The victorious captain of the first Keg Race, EB III knows his drinkers. While his primetime player is missing, he isn’t scared. EB will focus on his team one round at a time, taking who he feels will provide the best opportunity for his team to get another W. Small in stature, but large in heart, Ed is ready for a repeat.

Intangible: As of late, Ed has been on a rampage. During the Pub Crawl Ed could barely sit in his seat. When his beer was taken away from him, he demanded it back despite his lack of desire to drink it. That’s determination.

QUARTERBACKS


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Basically the leaders of the squad. They call the plays, determine how the game goes, and ultimately will be the marquee player on a team.

Rusty Hohman –
Based on his team’s performance last year, the loss of key players like Tom Abbott and Joe McHale, Rusty’s ability to chug crown royal after listening to “Here We Go” all day and watching his Steelers get beaten unwittingly by the Patriots during the AFC Championship two weeks ago make him my top QB. This man is a beast. He will grow a beard longer than you father, suck down more blue drink than your mother, and still be coherent enough to sing all the right words to any Irish Drinking song you can name. Rusty will be a key element to whichever team he is selected to.

Intagible: He made and runs his own bar. Enough said.

Shaun “Swisher Sweet” Staunton-
What can be said about this man? He will drink all day, the next morning, that night again, and still be able to stand up and piss about 3 gallons on your couch. Shaun knows what it means to be a drinker. Selected in the top round last year he proved to be a monster ingredient to the Anti-Sellouts second place finish. He holds the record for most beer bongs in a single hour; he knows when to shut it up and put it down and when you’re in a drinking contest that matters. A lover of babies, a dancer with babies, and a man of true integrity, Swisher is one of the premier QB’s in the league.

Intagible: He’s drank so much that he has pissed in the majority of Harrisonburg’s finest apartments and has even slept through Keown making sweet love, I’d say that’s a definite factor.

Woodsy
His capabilities are only surpassed by his significant other. We have seen his abilities showcased in many events including last years race, our trail to victory in Chattanooga, where he proceeded to tank beers the whole ride to Furman, then upon arriving ordered not one but TWO buckets of Coors bottles to consume within a matter of an hour. We all saw the bash he threw last weekend and now that we know he actually sleeps on a bed and not his car seat, his stock has only risen.

Intangible: Rumor has it all he does at work in the library all day is contemplate what happy hour to attend. Also, he’s an ex-volunteer; not too shabby drinkers I hear.

Michael P. Keown
Our commissioner. A pioneer in party planning. Mike knows how to put on a drinkfest extravaganza. Bonging since he was 5, this man prides himself in his Irish heritage and doubtlessly will rock his kilt on game day, freeing him of the bondages us mortal men have in clothing. He selflessly devotes himself to our partying without any regard for his home or possessions, and we can only rest assure the same is said for him come Saturday.

Intangible: Apart & victim of the great KEG DISASTER OF 2002, nevertheless, prevailed in absolving himself and Angel Gonzalez of all charges. Be sure if it comes down to a beer again he will find a way to put it in his team’s favor.

Dave Burns
Fresh off his visit to Spain, and good friends with last year’s MVP Big Tom Abbot, Burns is hyped. He is intense and ready to drink. After missing half the season due to travel, he is poised to make a big splash in the second half. His workout last week was intimidating. He drank his team to a top finish at the case race and is ready for vengeance after last years loss to team blue.

Intangible: Plans beer pong tournaments in his sleep and you can be sure that he will know when and who to pair up and set down when things get rough during the race.

Kristian
A newcomer to The Block, Kristian has carved a nice little niche for himself within the power rankings of the group. He can do a double power hour DVD on a whimsy and it has been said that he drank nonstop from afternoon up until we arrived at Bdubs on victory parade day with minimal sleep. He is willing to sacrifice limb and beautiful blonde locks for the sake of hops & barley on the road to nothing short of victory.

Intangible: A phys-ed teacher in training—In shape and ready to drink.

GUARDS

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Like in bball, the guard is your typical go to guy. In some ways similar to the QB but not looked to for leadership constantly and isn’t expected to carry much weight but can if they must. Keeps the team on a steady pace, both mentally and through his own performance. They won’t drink heavily or lightly but will stay focused on the task at hand—the beer that’s in it!

Angel Gonzalez -Fast, happy, handsome. Big smile = big mouth = large gulps; it equates. Four years of steady drinking are undeniable. Don’t let his skinny size fool you, his drinks are strong and he knows when it the race switches from a marathon to a sprint.

Intangible: Be careful of his cunning ability to throw you off your mark. His distracting abilities are one of a kind.

Blonde Jon Gualdoni
Goulet in carnet. Neighbor to one of the top QB’s, Jon isn’t extraordinary, he doesn’t wow you, he doesn’t amaze. Jon keeps it short and sweet, exchanging quips to his enemies in between sips. He doesn’t fool around w/ unnecessary conversation and like Burns, knows when to buckle down and hand out duties to those who are slacking or are needed.

Intangible: OPA alumni, what else do they have to do during the summer but drink a lot?

Smitty
Finishes one, and already another is opened and waiting. His constant naps during the day can only allude to his desire to take a few down to mask his grogginess. While genuinely late to most happy hour functions, once Smitty sets down he catches up quick, which you can imagine plays a factor when he would start at the same time as everyone else.

Intangibles: Has driven the whole way to Miami and three-fourths of the way back. Endurance is a top tool when it comes to an afternoon of heavy drinking, he’s got it.

Nick DiMartino
Young, hip, and Euro. Known to be one of the more obscure players in the draft, Nick is my sleeper for Guards this year. His eye can catch any hint of liquid still lingering around and with his quickness will make sure his team has all loose ends tied up in a matter of seconds. While unknown as to his drinking habits, he does live in one of the most highly bar-decorated apartments on the block.

Intangible: DDR nut. Once again, his ability to last will come in play. Endurance from dancing to techno translates into more cups drunk.

Piyum Khatibi
Unfortunately Piyum has been plagued by a series of drunken incidents. From beer on your head to being out drank by his girlfriend, Piyum has become a black sheep. Despite, his soft spoken manner is exactly what the guard position is all about. Not a star or a show stealer, he will do his job and let everyone else observe him, leading by example.

Intangible: Piyum was left with his team’s last cup last year when they thought victory was in hand. We shall see if this doesn’t motivate him to compensate this year with a more vigorous drinking pattern.

Duane Train
The first female on our position list, and one of the top two females last year. While many underestimate her drinking prowess we all know that when girls drink, they loose their inhibitions and that equals nonstop drinking momentum! She will recklessly swallow her way through at least 8 beers before some get their fourth!

Intangibles: Pure Southern Comfort. She hails from Kentucky and if I’m not mistaken, don’t they make this stuff called whiskey there?

POWER FORWARDS

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These players are not flashy. They drink, bottom line. They are the workhorses. They conserve the affects of their drinks until the very end. Pacing is a distinct tool to these players, and a key to any winning team. They can range from any size and shape and are more about the mental edge as opposed to time constraints. They take their beer and like it, usually consuming it and hiding it deep within some portion of their body like a belly, boob, or muscle.

Meat
His name says it all. Built & ready to pound 12 oz. curls. Another tenant of a well bar-decorated lair and his huge pecks can seemingly hold a gallon by themselves.

Intangible: Can crush a can with his forearm bicep! (I don’t really know but that would be sweet!)

JAM
James Anthony, a pure Italian stallion. His husky and hairy build combined with his seriousness towards his teams cause would lead me to label him “the Thing” in this year’s draft. Solid and unshakeable.

Intangible: Likes Calhouns beer, and that beer is not keg race regulated being too dark and full. You do the math.

Ryan Gray
Ryan starts off slow but gradually exceeds others around him silently. Comes through in a clutch. When everyone else slows it down, Ryan, just like James, picks it up bitch! He’s put in long overtime hours on his beer belly and that type of determination cannot be denied. Let’s his emotions guide him and they can take him all the way to the top when provoked. His conjoined twin Trevor is a powerful factor, two is better than one.

Intangible: Son of a pair of Bartenders and a Bartender himself, Ryan knows when to tell people when they’ve had enough and his knowledge and secrets to a good pregame ritual are very valuable.

Luis
Also freshly returned from Espana, this Mexican dreamboat is ready to be reintroduced to the season. He will chug Dom Perrion without a second thought. While not as built frame wise in thickness, Luis is a fighter. His intensity overshadows his lack of body mass and his drive to keep going compensates as well.

Intangibles: He’s Mexican, and as we all know, they work hard long hours pulling weeds in our gardends. Enrique ain’t got shit on a man who can sweat cervezas!

Billiams
While Bill might feel slighted in his ranking, he shouldn’t. The forwards are a tough category and like I said before, the workhorses of their team. Once removed from 1589, Bill is ready for his return. Because of his departure from the Block itself, Bill’s drinking prowess is rarely seen. Jacked and stacked, his sexy pecks will consume any beast or stone that is placed before him. He’s recently been seen practicing his chugging stance and that right arm of his is a perfect pumper, of which both teams will need.

Intangible: “Hey, I'm Bill Williams, wanna blank my blank...” --If he can say that, and get away with it, he’s ok in my book.

 

Polak
The grandmother and wise sage of The Block, she is a beast. Can probably drink a lot of the guys under the table and lapdance you till you pop. While her LAX duties have taken her away from the drinking game, we can be sure she has been doing a rigorous training routine in order to compensate. Her huge chest can only help her cause, in both distraction and consumption.

Intangible: She is the eldest statesmen. Leadership skills from her LAX team translate to a strong pick in the early mid rounds.

UTILITY MEN
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These individuals will fill the void. If you need a beer down fast or to finish the pitcher before you fill it up again, these are your go to guys. They can provide a beer in a pinch or help out with passing, pumping, or chugging.

Galli
This man is mean. Poised for vengeance because of his low selection last year and his eventual trade, Galli’s tattoo has plans of its own.

Intangible: + 1 will forever resonate in his mind and in his teammates’. Look for redemption.

Brad Galorenzo
The Duke Dog himself. Arriving late last year and drinking out of the enemies cup, Brad is also ready for redemption and full appearance. He’s skinny, he’s emo, he’s got glue in his hair. Crazy & ready to start on time.

Intangible: Has done keg stands as the Duke Dog, that’s like chugging ice cold beer out of a milk jug, not fun or easy.

Abby Wettle
This girl can hold her own with the big boys. Has beaten Piyum in a one on one drinking match up and showed up huge last week for her squad in the case race. Reckless and ready. I don’t think I need to say much about her, she’s made a name for herself among the elite.

Intangible: blonde & unthreatening appearance. She will fool you into thinking she’s a lightweight. My vote is SLEEPER CITY!!!

Steve Filingeri
Along with Bill, his drinking habits have become increasingly unknown, however, his antics at the start of the season proved that he can still hold his own. Has also driven all the way to Nawlins and back by himself = endurance. He was a mess at the first tailgate and proved that 1589’s windows are no match for this Sayville native.

Intangible: This year’s location is the same. His enemy will be the window, the only question is will he have the gumption enough to finish it this time or be stopped by its glass frame?

Danwho
Well he witnessed our drunken escapades last year and through that eye witness account we can only imagine he took away only the best techniques. Took sick to compete last year, Danwho’s spongelike brain soaked up all the ways to better serve whatever team he lands on. While we know he wanders about when wasted and does his best work on his website drunk, I think I can safely say he’ll leave it all out on the keg shell come Saturday.

Intangible: A chronic insomniac –BUT- has fought off academic proby his entire college career. I can see him fighting off the beer coming up his throat just the same. Kids got grit.

Mac –n- Steve
What can be said about a man who keeps having his beer knocked out of his hand by a phone book and continues to refill and again be thrwarted all the while coasters and cards are flying at his head? Well, nothing. He knows no butthole unfingered, especially the back door queens, and his loose style allows for adaptation during the late minutes. Good off the bench.

Intangible: Although new to our group, this kid’s got guts and his tenacity is shown through his bus ride all alone to Chattanooga. Expect that on whatever team he’s choosen to.

SHORT-STOPS
Somewhere along the lines you need someone to fill in the gaps—that’s where the short-stop comes in. They fill the holes left in the infield. They might not shine, they might not drink as much as the others, but it’s a team effort, and someone has to bat 9th right?

Joyzeee
She’s scary, and I mean that in a good way. I am afraid actually of what is going to happen to me since I put her in this category but she’s a hole filler. She’ll steal bases, hit line drives, even take on for the team. Solid, solid, solid. A team player and what a woman.

Intangible: Loud and proud, intimidating boys since 1983. I like it.

Jenny I
I’m not quite sure if she’s competing this year or not but she will wax you til the sun comes up. Can’t beat anyone a drinker who can chug and wax at the same time.

Intangible: MIA a lot of the time but recently has come out more often. We like to see that considering Jen’s excellent drinking capabilities.

Asian Lindsey
Girlfriend to Blonde Jon and perhaps the most talkative of our group. Her vocal talents may hinder your team due to the lack of drinking while she’s talking but hey, it’s what she does. She might be the smallest but she’ll take one down if your low on stomach space. Loves the foam and once she starts, she don’t stop!

Intangible: Was beaten by a can. She’s out for blood this year.

Amanda
Just like Asian Lindsey but with Richmond spirit. Can’t be anyone who always calls you by your first and last name. Doesn’t say much but that’s because she’s busy drinking while your talking. Consider her my set up gal!

Intangible: While I am not knowledgeable enough, Smitty tells me Amanda P. will sneak beer out of your cup just because she’s tired of waiting for hers to fill. I like that type of fortitude.

CLOSERS
The name says it all. These folks will finish out your game for you. When there’s 2 out, bases loaded, bottom of the hour, they will take that beer for you (barring they haven’t already drank more than 3 or 4) and take it down without a trace of residual foam. They go down with the likes of Vinateri, Eckersly, and John Franco. Don’t tell them the game’s not over, b/c they have already sealed it.

Anne Fegely
What a woman. She will take that beer down faster and harder than—well I had probably better stop there. Anyway, Anne’s status for this event is uncertain but should she participate, her friendship with Abby only helps her, and if she is drafted she will become one of the premiere reserves for pounding in the later minutes.

Intangible: Works out more than Arnold. She’ll kick your ass and smile sweeter than a peppermint while doing it. Posh spice gets my vote for last minute drinker of the year.

Scully
Heather Scully is a goddess amongst mere dogs. She is a brilliant mind trapped in a hot body. Scully isn’t a powerful drinker but when she’s called upon will wipe out whatever you place in front of her in a split second. Take her knowledge of the jersey shore and you’ve got a primetime package!

Intangible: The powerful draw to chant her name will undoubtedly cause the other team to start one. Consider that a plus in the win column.

Stine the Back Door Queen
Well, well, well. We reach the best and greatest nickname of all time. She will play zoomey zoomey with the best of them and even though her fajita’s elitest lifestyle isn’t model, she’s smoke free and lovin it for some time now. Stine has been seen prepping for this day for months now at UREC and is ready to cause a stir in the draft order. Don’t be surprised if she turns out to be the dominant force the other team wishes it had.

Intangible: Once went down to one on one in strip zoomey zoomey with your truly and closed it out with the knowledge that is now her namesake. I don’t think I should say anymore, I’ll let you all just think about that one on your own.

Maureen The Dream
There’s not much one can say about The Dream. Like others with her nickname, she is a dominant blocker. Like Hakeem, Mo is strong willed, forceful, and will demand a beer when she’s lacking one. Don’t sleep on her, she’ll put them down before you can pull them up.

Intangible: A marathon runner and once again, endurance endurance endurance.

ROOKIES
I have no idea where to place these folks considering they missed out on last years events and really I am tired of picking out where people should go, so instead I will write in what I think they should play.

Grant
Did you just say he can’t drink? I think that’s what he thinks you just said. I don’ think you want him to prove it. Grant spent last spring semester in Dublin and is ready to show off his drinking talents he obtained. I would place him into a Power Forward role, if not a Utility man.

 

Erin Walsh
Erin was MIA last year in Italy. Her love, Joe McWalsh, a key player in his teams performance last year without a doubt has given her pointers in his absence. I would put Erin as a Shortstop.

Tori Doyle
Tori also was away from us last year in Dublin, however she didn’t really pick up any drinking habits because she’s already Irish. Hailing from Boston, Tori is probably ready to finally celebrate her town’s World Series win the right way. I can see her providing a strong closers role or even a shortstop.

Now there are probably a lot of people I am not including but they are most likely those I either do not know or am unsure if they will be participating. Enjoy the rankings and we’ll be back at you with my round by round pre draft projected results tomorrow!!
Posted February 01, 2005 at 10:58 PM