2005: Just think, you could be dead!

FEATURED SITE: All the Latest Celebrity Home Movies EXPOSED!

It's the first of January, the beginning of a new year, one more year closer to the end of my own earthly existence as well as your own, so it's time to celebrate. Celebrate by updating this website much more frequently and taking an oath to never mention my lack of updating as the bulk of all future updates. Hey it's worked so far all this year!

Shut up, anybody who makes a comment relating to the first of a new year such as "See you next year!" is grossly unfunny and should never have been invited to the party in which you threw and only invited losers... because well if you threw a party and only invited losers, you might think the person in question surely fits into this demographic and has every right to be in attendance, but you could not be more wrong as you probably laughed and gave this person a high five/shocker upon his or her banal remark.

Things that are also unfunny and should be left behind as we start this new year:

Midgets - every conversation at a college party is ruined with any lame suggestions to spice up any situation with the hiring of midgets as "pets" or "personal servants" or involve physical challenges such as "midget tossing" or "small person fondling." Chances are that you fit into one of these categories: you still think midgets are funny after I have proven otherwise, you've been in a conversation in which midgets were brought up and you either appreciated the comment or did not care for the comment or remained entirely neutral to the comment, or you are an oblivious midget who is not aware that such jokes are made about you and your kind and finally you realize you have nothing to live for, and thus you will allow me to induce euthanasia. Suggested alternatives: lepers, eunuchs.

Mullets - While I do not understand how certain groups of people (lower income white rural families) can possibly think this hideous haircut actually passes as acceptable in any realm of society, it is time to put this one to rest. Mullet jokes and mullet hunting have no business in the human social environment, and anyone who fronts and tries to pull these off at any college party in the nation should have been eliminated a few years back. Now go back and read words 8,9,10,17,27,28,29, and 38 because I tried really hard to incorporate this hidden message into this sentence, and neither the sentence nor the subliminal meaning are funny. Suggested alternatives: bowl cuts, gelled spikes.

Normally I would continue writing about more unfunny topics, but considering I cannot think of anything else because I am an uncreative sloth, I am forced to write that no additional subjects exist because I find humor in all situations and it is simply impossible to go on.

I'll be back tomorrow beeyotch.

Posted January 01, 2005 at 09:42 PM