Chariot of Epicness

Hello folks. Jeremy here. Smitty is letting me write an update to share my elation in the fact that I just purchased his car, the trusty pimpo. Now, I know he already wrote about this fine piece of machinery in a previous entry, but my new experiences are worth telling.

Today I picked the legendary car up from an upscale auto shop where it was being showcased for purchase. The nice man at the shop gave me the keys. No exchange of money, information, or removal of plates. Being the non-stealer that I am, I went to Smitty's house and talked to his mom and dad. They exchanged money for the title and off I went with my new car.

Riding around in the 91 Ford Tempo gave me a rush. Loads of new people honked at me around town. Some who perhaps thought I was Smitty, and others who probably thought I stole his car. No matter. My esteem was at an all time high. Ladies looked in my direction at every stop. They could not resist the masculinity of a grandma car riddled with bullethole stickers. I got out to pump gas and almost used a hammer to open the fuel door. Luckily I am a super genius and looked in the glove box for the hammer when EUREKA!, I found a technilogically superior button that opened the tank for me.

Speaking of technology, this chunk of non-junk comes complete with a child safety system built right into the door no less. When you start to open the driver's side door, it lets out a horrifying screech of metal scraping against metal reminiscent of a fart. How is this safe? Well I'll tell you. Any kid in their right mind would run like hell from that sound, hence escaping from the danger of the opening door. Getting hit in the face with carelessly swung car door is not a pleasant experience. I have to give credit to the creator of this breakthrough Smitnology, Mr. Smitty.

On the way home I listened to the sweet, sweet melody of a chicken sandwich. Thanks to the lack of cd player and radio, I did not have to listen to any of those non-stop-new-rock interupting radio station self promotions, or that stupid fucking Kia commercial about how any trade, any trade, any trade goes. I was a little upset that I couldn't listen to my tape of American Idol's William Hung singing Shebang, but I couldn't complain. I just imagined what it would look like to reupholster the interior of the car so that it would match my eyes. With the wind in my hair from the 3 out of 4 working windows, I plowed down the road.

Driving that car today was an awkwardly pleasant experience and I'll never forget it. Thank you Smitty. Thank you for bestowing upon me this chariot of epicness.



I am on the right (obviously driving the Pimpo), Smitty is on the left (who graciously passed down the honors to me), and a random guy in the middle who came along for the ride.

Posted March 01, 2004 at 10:37 PM for GorillaMask.net | Vote for GorillaMask | E-mail | Comments (1229)

Comments

yay i comment on myself yay

Posted by: jeremy on March 1, 2004 10:39 PM

hi jeremy, hi smitty, hi pimpo

Posted by: danwho on March 2, 2004 12:23 AM

i loved jeremy's story!! i hope the pimpo continues to be a source of enjoyment for him . love mom

Posted by: smit on March 2, 2004 05:49 AM

remember the silver bullet. i see a little of the bullet in the tempo smitty. make sure you get to say goodbye....... ill never forgive myself......

Posted by: Tom on March 2, 2004 11:41 PM

AHAHAH.. I NEVER KNEW IT WAS ORANGE.. LOOKS LIKE ONE OF THOSE SUITS THAT MURDERERS HAVE TO WEAR. I LIKE.

Posted by: Brian on March 3, 2004 07:23 PM

that car is way too cool

Posted by: aaron on March 3, 2004 08:19 PM

Wow, that car looks like such a piece of shit that it is actually a treasure. And don't forget, only 6 more years till you can register it as a "Classic".... nice.

Posted by: Johnny FlopBoot on March 4, 2004 12:37 PM

Actually now that I think about it, "treasure" sounds really gay. Let's go with.... "sweet ass whip". Or possibly just "tough & cool"... there's nothing more important than looking "cool & tough" afterall... so that'll work.

Posted by: Johnny FlopBoot on March 4, 2004 12:40 PM

I used to have that same car. The only two things I didn't like about it were the incredibly slow accelerations and lack of a cup holder. Then I got a '92 Eclipse which still didn't have a cupholder. Now I have a '93 Dodge Shadow. It still doesn't have a cup holder.

Posted by: Garrison on March 4, 2004 04:46 PM

cupholders are overrated anyways. just hold your freezing cold drinks between your crotch. it works wonders.

Posted by: jeremy on March 5, 2004 01:41 PM

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