: The First Annual Super Bowl Weekend Team Keg Drain LIVE DRAFT

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That's right bitches, I'm back and I'm back at it harder than I've been back at it before. Not even my 48 hours of straight up vertigo will stop me from bringing this to you. Last night was the live draft for the Team Keg Drain that will take place tonight. Now let's break it down. Hit it!

Ed Brookover the Third is the team captain of the Naked Ladies aka the Drinky McDrinkersons or whatever other bullshit he wants to pull out of his ass, and MJ Teggy directs the Anti-Sellouts on the path to victory. Michael Patrick Keown does what he does best at assuming the position as commissioner. Let's go over the rules.

Each team has a keg that will be tapped at 8 pm sharp tonight. Nicole asked what happens if you are late... and I put her in her place by explaining that the beer just doesn't get dranken and Asian Lindsey will have to pick up the slack. Now, now we don't want a catastrophe on our hands.
Only 3 vomits are allowed per team until a 1-minute-everyone-on-the-team-must-stop-drinking penalty. Oh, and puking is only allowed outside... no portable projectile canisters permitted.
All cups must never leave the main rooms of the house. For example, we don't want any player bringing a full cup to the bathroom and then peeing in the cup and then walk out with a cup overflowing onto the kitchen floor. That is not just messy, but bad for team morale.
No drinking devices or keg stands allowed. This includes but is not limited to: beer bongs, funnels, and keg stands. idiot. This wastes beer, and you are a fucking cheater.
All players must pay an entry fee of 5 dollars to cover the expenses of the beer, solo cups, team uniforms, and sawdust to spread on the vomit.
The team who finishes their own keg first is recognized as the winner. The winning team gets the entry fees from the losing team... so basically the winners don't have to pay the 5 bucks. The end.

HOW BOUT THOSE TEAMS YOU SAY? Ladies and gentlemen, here we fucking go! CLICK THE PICTURES FOR EVEN BIGGER PICTURES! WELCOME TO THE INTERNET.

Tha Commissiona:
Michael Patrick Keown acts at the announcer, the organizer, the commissioner, and the racial joke slinger all packaged into 195 pounds of raw Irish manmeat.

Team Captains:
Mark Teggetoth, the fine brother of that even finer and extremely flexible gymnast, is the mastermind and driving force behind the BLACK TEAM, THE ANTI-SELLOUTS!

Ed Brookover the Third is the coach of the DARK NAVY BLUE THAT ALMOST LOOKS LIKE BLACK TEAM, THE DRINKY MCDRINKERSONS!*

*team name subject to change, as fucking if.

THE SPINELESS DRAFTEES:

1ST ROUND

Since Ed tried to drink his beer really slow in a face-off with Teggy to see who gets first pick, it came back to blow up in his face. The beginning of his team's and personal downfall. Ed got stuck with the first pick while Teggy ran away with the next two. Here we go!

Big TOM ABBOT! The big loud tie-wearing gentle giant is a strong pick in anyone's eyes. Rumor has it he can drink like a fish. A motherfucking teeny sardiney.

Sir Shaun Staunton, Mr. 3 dolla per swalla, the King himself. Not even the HPD on Halloween could rattle his bones as he was thrown in jail dressed up as Elvis Presley. He's gotta drink like a race horse's gotta piss.

2ND ROUND:

Teggy and the Anti-Sellouts got the first pick of the second round, and it alternates each subsequent round. Got it yet, commie?

Michael Patrick Keown! Mr. public relations coming atcha as the first pick of the second round. Definitely a great choice... I'd even go as far to say an even better pick than all of Ed's picks combined. As far as not sucking goes.

Dave Woodsy, my calculus buddy. Enrolled in drinking rehabilitaton programs required once a week for breaking some funny alcohol law. Heads straight to the bar after the meetings. Solid pick.

3RD ROUND:

Brad Martelo, aka MEAT. Drinks until inebriated, then proceeds to beat the shit out of townie's windshields and other stuff. Daily.

SMATTY MCSMAT! Yours truly got picked as the sixth overall choice. Same number pick as sports superstars Shane Battier and Torry Holt. Will not disappoint. No, really.

4TH ROUND:

The one and only Joe McHale, director of Alumni Relations. Drove down from D.C. to partake in the mission known as Operation Destroyed. (Destroy ED Brookover the Third).

Ed went out on a limb with his 4th pick, choosing somebody he doesn't know real well, but anyone with a beard is sure to hold their ground. I'm working on my five o'clock shadow. Rusty makes a nice addition to the Drinky McDrinkersons.

5TH ROUND:

While I no longer remember the correct draft order, Ryan Gray, my twin, my long lost bitch bitch bitch shit bitch can fill in as the unknown choice. Anyone who works at a bar and sips Cristal with Robin Leech can handle a little Natty splatty.

Angel, the block's long lost Mexican amigo drove down from his internship in D.C. just to help the Anti-Sellouts kill that keg first in his first appearance back at JMU in the new year. YEAAAAAAAAAAAH.

THE REST OF THE PICKS:

Since I do not know what order everyone else is in, I will just wing it and let you know who is on whose team.

Ed's pick which surprised the world, picking a female...what? yes, I couldn't believe it either... a girl... wait.. just wait a minute... a GIRL in a drinking contest? Yes I shit you not... wait, she probably doesn't even have a penis?

Everyone's favorite terrorist, Piyum bin Laden is chosen as a sleeper pick for the Anti-Sellouts. Black is a great color to hide in dark places such as closets or under blankets, as well as one to drink in.

NO PICTURES LEFT: Due to death of my digital camera battery and lack of will to waste pictures on such low draft picks.

TEAM DRINKYMCDRINKERSONS:

Jenny I
Sweet Stine Backdoor Queen
Ashley the stupid slut
Joy Jiggilo Male Jiggilo
Jason the Sensation
Jam
I forget

TEAM ANTI-SELLOUTS:

Shaggy John
Billiams
Burnsy
Salamanda
SCULLY!
Oh, yeah and Asian Lindsey
I forget

EXPERT ANALYSIS:

I, being biased against the Drinky McDrinkersons because I am competing against that shit of a team, will take an unbiased view of this event.

Word has gotten out that my team has been labeled as the "underdog." I think it's just lowsy intimidation tactics being used by the opponent to try and psych us out, or fulfill their needs to enjoy the sweet taste of false hope being labeled as the "predicted favorite" before being dealt a crushing defeat.

Sure, they have Big Tom and Rusty, who can probably kill half the keg themselves, but you also got Ed to balance it out. ZING. Woodsy, Meat, James, and Ryan Gray round out the solid core of the team. The rest are just mindless pawns.

The Anti-Sellouts are stacked with the strong leadership and drinking ability of Teggy. Not to mention Shaun fuckin Staunton who can outdrink anybody in this room, piss all over the place, and do it again. MPK was born with alcohol running through his veins, and I was born with fetal alcohol syndrome. Joe McHale, Billiams, Shaggy John, Burnsy, Piyum, the list goes on and on of high quality liver cirrhosisers.

THE VERDICT:

ANTI-SELLOUTS prevail as victors. Upon realizing their defeat, the Drinky McDrinkersons will attempt to sabatoge and/or bitch about the official results. MPK will put them in their place and probably kick Ed in the face.

COME BACK TOMORROW FOR THE PICTURES AND RESULTS IF I AM STILL ALIVE.

Posted January 31, 2004 at 01:02 PM for GorillaMask.net | Vote for GorillaMask | E-mail | Comments (1103)

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